Smear on some more lipstick , I want my junk to look like the joker when you're done
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Posted:Sep 23, 2012 8:01 am
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2012 7:12 am
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I got a new computer chair - its much nicer than my old one , but its also like 5 inches higher . My typing rhythm is all out of whack . But I shall press on . For you . I love you you know .
Oral Sex is like playing spades ; if you don't have a good partner , you better have a good hand .
It's also like being in the Army ; the closer you get to discharge , the better you will feel .
Applebee's is known to be a frequent hangout for Cougars - read whatever you want into that .
There's an old joke about a guy who walks into a bar , buys four shots and announces "I'm celebrating my first blowjob" . Everyone congratulates him and offers to buy him a drink .
"No" the dude replies . "If four won't kill the taste , then to hell with it ".
For anyone who has never given a blow job before , the joke is funny because the guy apparently didn't like the taste of rainbow sherbet . That's what blowjobs taste like ladies ; Rainbow Sherbet . Anyone who tells you differently is lying , probably trying to keep you from finding out how great they are in order to keep all the rainbow for themselves . It also clears up your complexion and reduces body fat . You girls remember that .
There are certain things you don't want to hear while you're performing oral sex :
•That's my knee
•You really should get that dandruff checked out
•Have you ever done this before ?
•Blue . I think we need to paint this room blue .
•It's not a Pie Eating Contest you idiot
To make sure this doesn't happen to you some tips !
Practice ! Athletes practice their sport . Actors practice their lines . Doctors practice medicine . If you want to be good Practice ! Practice ! Practice ! If you don't have a partner around to practice with you may find it helpful to substitute objects you have around the house:
Yes , the banana makes a fine substitute for a man and it's also a great source of potassium . Did you know that a diet high in potassium can lower blood pressure and reduce the risk of stroke ?
Performing Oral Sex on a Woman
After consulting several real females , I asked them what specific advice they wanted me to pass along .
"Tell them they need to find the little man in the canoe" was the response that had all two women I surveyed nodding their heads in approval . I have no idea what that means , but I didn't want to blow the cool "I'm doing a sex survey" vibe I had going.
I tried to decipher the hidden meaning of this cryptic message for 5 minutes before concluding that it must just be "that time of the month" (the one that causes females to babble insane gibberish). As for suitable practice fields you might find in the kitchen , our female focus group was only willing to confirm which activities would not prepare you .
Since you can't just show actual Oral Sex on TV (except Cinemax) sneaky marketing types are now putting subliminal messages into programs and advertisements in order to boost sales and ratings .
For instance , short of having a match featuring all of Tiger Wood's bimbos , how do you boost ratings for women's golf ? Here's one way the LPGA Glass Dick Trophy and customary "licking of the shaft" ceremony by the winner .
I also found a bunch of pictures of people "going down" on Ronald McDonald statues but you can only post 1 picture on blog at a time (unless there's a way I don't know about) . Probably for the best .
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You can't fight evil with a macaroni duck
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Posted:Sep 20, 2012 4:47 pm
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2012 7:11 pm
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"A good act does not wash out the bad , nor a bad act the good . Each should have its own reward ."
Stannis Baratheon said that do you know its true . Its a million years until the next season of Game of Thrones . Sad face emoticon . Yesterday I was pondering my personality and what makes it the way it is , as always this turned (naturally) to whether I am good or evil . Since I get all my existential advice from AGOT , Ser Davos said that all men are part good and part evil . But then Melisadre said that an onion that is half rotten is a rotten onion "You are either good or you are evil" . So now I don't know what to think .
A lot of people tell me that don't think I'm a bad person , which is their prerogative of course , but honestly who cares what they think ? A lot of people think a lot of things that are way wrong . I could sell my car and give that money to charity and literally save people's lives in impoverished countries . I could sell my house and move in with my parents and save more people . Would I like that ? No . Would they ? Hell no . But people would be alive who otherwise would be dead .
And every day I don't do it .
You can't say I killed those people , but maybe in a way you can right ? If you see someone unawares about to get hit by a train and you don't say anything is that really any different from throwing them on the tracks ? The other day I bought a rug , couch , chair & end tables for my finished attic to make a little reading room . Is there any way that was not selfish ? People laugh about "giving til it hurts" but isn't that the way its supposed to work ? Can you truly call yourself a good person sitting on your couch with your battery powered sexual devices watching your big screen HDTV while people are starving to death elsewhere ?
I talked to my friend Father Dave about that once and he said that giving to charity is the responsibility of all people , but that there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of your labors . Of course he's now been excommunicated and was a borderline alcoholic all along so what does he know ? Also can any of us be said to "labor" ? Like most people I hate my job and its slowly killing me , but its not "hard" (unlike my dick) in the traditional sense . I sit at a desk , I'm not breaking rocks all day .
Speaking of charity , if you were waiting with baited breath for those 67,003 pics of my cock (as I know you all were) you're going to be disappointed . I got my tablet yesterday but I can't for the life of me remember why I wanted it so I added it to the pile and gave it to the local 's hospital . That's the charity my club is supporting this year and I hear whomever donates the most stuff gets a blowjob from Nurse Ripperger so I'm all about it . Although I have gotten an offer for someone else to take some pics of my junk so maybe there's hope yet .
This post has been kind of a downer , I better inject a little levity .
The three phases of owning a computer
Phase 1 - the honeymoon
Your new computer is capable of anything - including splitting the atom and producing baked goods
You have no idea what a 4.9 Megawatt Ram Pulse Drive is but you have one and your friends don't - which is all that matters
If you testicles were made of USB you'd make love to your computer every night
Phase 2 - comfort
You and your computer and now BFFs - you know all its secrets and it knows all yours
Watching someone else use your computer is like watching a drunk orangutan try to solve a Rubik's cube - they have no idea what they're doing and you wish they'd just hand it to you
Phase 3 - Dawn of the dinosaur
The computer is constantly "thinking" even what not in use
Don't open the case - its like peering into the rectum of a 2000 year old mummy
Nothing works right - you blame your computer for all life's problems
Booting up - you get an idea of how long an ice age is
You fear powering off - may not turn on again
The mouse and th keyboard have a nice greasy sheen
Your desktop - looks like the internet barfed all over it
I'm just entering phase 2 myself - how about you ?
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There's a spider in your face right now (probably)
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Posted:Sep 19, 2012 4:13 pm
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2012 3:24 pm
65980 Views
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Can you guess which of the following is not a scientific fact ?
A. There is an insectlike parasite in nature that crawls into another creature's mouth , eats its tongue , then replaces the tongue with its own body , so that the host creature continues to live and eat , never realizing the parasite is there .
B. A different microscopic parasite is responsible for nearly half of all human deaths since the Stone Age .
C. There is a brain parasite that lives in mammals and alters their behavior . Up to 3 billion humans carry this parasite .
D. When musicians play an instrument and miss a beat (because a finger slips , or they're a half-second slow , etc), there is a secret pattern to their misses , as if all humans are subconsciously playing a hidden song with their "mistakes" .
E. A rugby player in England broke his neck during practice and suffered a stroke as a result . When he woke up in the hospital , he was suddenly gay .
The gag is , of course , that all of these facts are true . The fact that there's roughly a 50% chance that a parasite effects my behavior brings back an age old question I ponder a lot . If you found out some aspect of your personality , or your whole personality , was the result of something tangible (like magic pants) what would that mean ? If someone told you tomorrow "Hey person who read's 40's blog , if you stop eating bananas the aspect of your personality you like the least will go away - but some other random stuff will too" would you do it ? I know this seems strange from someone who occasionally visits a therapist but I like the way I am - warts and low self esteem and jerkyness and all . Aren't our flaws and foibles as much of what makes us us as anything ?
Also , did you know that police officer's aren't afforded any rights under the 5th Amendment ? If you're a police (wo)man and you're under suspicion you do not have the right to an attorney and you ARE expected to testify against your own interest . Kind of makes sense , but kind of weird too . I think that should apply to all elected government officials .
In other news , I was in a different state recently and there happened to be a story on the news about the "Immigration Crisis" in Iowa . Since I was unaware of any such crisis I was intrigued . The story claimed that a lot of Cuban immigrants were coming to Iowa and the locals (ie white folk) were none to happy about that . One guy they interviewed made a statement about all the different parasites farmers have to deal with and then said "but the Cubans are the worst parasite" . Ouch . Here's the trick though , there might be a Cuban guy somewhere in Iowa , but most of the people coming here are from Mexico or Central America . Also , aside from my uncle no one really cares .
Bonus fact - one time my uncle told me (in regards to relationship problems) "Women are for night time" , now that's advice you can use !
Also that Cuban parasite line seemed familiar so I looked around on the interwebs and sure enough that was lifted straight from a newscast in Florida . So basically the whole story was BS . I stopped watching the news regularly a long time ago , when did they just start wholly fabricating stories ? Makes me wonder what lies I've seen on my local news about other states . Are there really cougars in California or is it all a scam ?
In other other news recently a comely young lass was bemoaning the fact that my profile pic is woefully out of date(I'm much better looking in person apparently) and she mentioned that I should have a pic where you can see my eyes because they are "breathtaking" . Which is true , but as we all know the eyes are the windows to the soul and I don't need you pervs looking at my soul .
And now , an anecdote from work . This morning I was shocked and appalled to see a new lady in my department wearing a skirt WAY above the knee . As the self appointed code enforcer for the floor I had no choice but to remark to her "This isn't a burlesque show lady , cover your legs !" Turns out she actually is a burlesque dancer (or whatever they're called) in her spare time under the stage name Phoenix L'Amore who often does shows with local musicman Little Ruckus (who is awesome) . Small world . Would you go see a co-workers of yours perform in a burlesque show or some kind of striptease ?
Random topics complete !
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How many balls have you seen this week ?
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Posted:Sep 15, 2012 10:05 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2012 3:48 pm
65560 Views
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Another dude tried to walk off the job on Friday and my dumb boss and his dumber boss cornered the guy in a conference room to try and talk him out of it . I got roped into this for reasons unknown despite the fact I have made it clear that if someone wants to go my opinion is , and excuse my language , fuck them - get out then . Anyway , I'm sitting there saying nothing while these two brain donors try to persuade this malcontent (who' mediocre at his job at best , he's one of those guys who's smart but not nearly as smart as they think they are) to stick around while I'm thinking about ways to make my Golgari Sacrifice deck type II legal . My reverie is interrupted when I notice the dude standing up and unbuckling his belt . I knew what was going to happen next but I didn't look away .
Why ?
The world may never know . Anyway , the dude whips his junk out and due to the massive amount of hair and the non-massive amount of penis all I can see is his balls or testicles if you will . Except the times I was molested as a this is the first time I've seen a dude's balls in really real life . I have to say , it wasn't that bad really . So I guess I'm gay . Coach Langerholtz I guess you were right (I'm still glad you got fired) .
I turned to my dumb boss and was heard to remark "Can we let this guy go now or did you want to talk to him some more ?"
I don't think he heard me .
In other job related news one of the bigwigs is pushing an idea where every 3rd Friday of the month is "No Meeting Monday" - which is self explanatory . As someone who spends 8-15 hours a week in meetings I kind of like this idea , but I don't think the motive behind it - increasing productivity - is going to pan out . So I ask you blog readers who get stuck in a lot of meetings at work - do you think it makes a difference if you have a bunch of meetings in one day or spread throughout the week ? All meetings are useless of course (aside from the free male frontal nudity) but in terms of getting your actual work done .
In non-job related news for reasons unknown (probably malaria) I was fricking exhausted yesterday . I was ready for bed at about 10 AM . So , I tried an energy drink (or 3) for the first time in my life . They were gross as hell but they did keep me awake and alert . I did hurl later on , but that's probably just from the malaria . I'm no internist but I don't think those things are good for you . I would say 75% of the people I know can't function without blasting a couple Monster Energy drinks in their face every day . I think there's something seriously wrong if you're that tired all the time .
In other other news there used to be a game called Pole Dance Hero which was , you know , like Guitar Hero only for pole dancing . I was never any good at it - my lady fell down a lot . Then the makers got sued by the makers of Guitar Hero so they changed the name of Pole Dance Party which isn't nearly as good . Also they went bankrupt due to the legal battle involved . I bring this up (for no reason really) because there is a movement to get pole dancing added to the Olympics . Obviously there's no realistic chance of this happening , but if it did it would probably be lame anyway because it would be a judged event . Those suck - I want direct competition or nothing . So if it does make it into the Olympics I think they should put two poles next to each other and the women climb on then try to kick each other off . Now that's entertainment !
And finally , there's a conspiracy theory here in the great state of Iowa , about how the Megabus is a cover for Chicago to send all their criminals here . I've taken the Megabus a few times to stalk the Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders , but never to Chicago . Allegedly in some of the poor areas of Chicago there are billboards encouraging people to visit Des Moines . I'm not sure if I believer that , but there has been a significant increase in the crime rate since the Megabus started running . If you live in Chicago please visit the most high crime areas in town and let me know what kind of billboards there are .
Thanks
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Show me where you want it
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Posted:Sep 13, 2012 4:53 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2012 7:35 pm
65198 Views
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One of the "local" radio stations here is doing a contest where you can send in a picture of where you want to get a tattoo , people vote , and the winner gets said tattoo . It makes me feel kind of bad because you know some lady with a hot ass is going to win - and she can probably con a free tattoo out of some no class beat down fool (like myself) any time she wants . There is no justice in purely subjective radio contests I tell you . Chances are the "new" rock station in your area is doing it too since they're all owned by 2 megacorps .
Back in my day when I was putting the moves on the ladies all over the place I was never a fan of tattoos , but now at my ripe old age I've realized many of the women on perv on here (and elsewhere) have got a lot of ink . Example ;
I guess people do change . Anyway , I think this is actually a pretty good idea someone with a more popular blog should steal - pics of where you want a tattoo .
Anyway , I asked for blog ideas , and someone (who shall remain nameless AMY) said the only good thing I ever wrote was the review of all the Harry Potter movies (based only on the trailers) and that I should do something like that again . The problem is I only wrote that because I was trying to get all up on the business of a lady who likes Harry Potter - and everyone knows the quickest way to a woman's heart is through mocking the things they like . But I do feel like its high time that someone mathematically proved which is better ;
Die Hard vs. Lethal Weapon
I think we can all agree that the first movie in each series was the best . But while the original Lethal Weapon was just the best of its series , Die Hard Classic is just a great movie period . Also while Bruce Willis is definitely a weirdo , its just in the normal Hollywood way - he didn't go all psycho like Mel Gibson (and Danny Glover to a lesser extent) . I will say one thing about Lethal Weapon , watching it now it seems very action movie clichey but that's mostly because ITS been copied endlessly by movies that have come since . In its time it was a somewhat original and somewhat compelling story . But no one ran across glass with bare feet . Also Die Hard is based on a pretty good book .
Die Hard wins round 1
Sequels are often disappointing - that's just the way it works . Die Hard II was a good example . It was essentially the same as the first movie , only guess what ? I already saw the first movie and it was better the first time . Lame . Lethal Weapon II however was as good as (if not better than) the original . Evil South Africans ? How can you go wrong with that ? SOME people (who shall remain nameless) will tell you that the chick in Lethal Weapon II was "not that hot" but come on , she was plenty hot for the late 80's right ? Plus she died (I think) hot chicks dying in action movies is solid stuff .
Lethal Weapon wins round 2
I walked out of Die Hard 3 after 20 minutes . It was one of the worst things ever to fly into my brain . Not even Sam Jackson could save it . Honestly part of the reason I hate it has to do with the plot - trying to rob Ft. Knox . For personal reasons that wouldn't make any sense I HATE this very concept . Lethal Weapon 3 was also awful but it had Renee Russo in it so it wins .
Lethal weapon wins round 3
The next Die Hard movie had a plot that was already lame in the 90's - cybercriminals huh ? And you need a "hacker" to help you win the day ? Weak ass . But it was pretty good despite that . And it had Tim Olyphant . Lethal Weapon 4 was pretty forgettable but it was the American movie debut of Jet Li - which is kind of something .
Die Hard wins round 4
They made a 5th Lethal Weapon movie on Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia which is surely better than the actual 5th movie they're planning to make even though it had a fully nude Danny Devito wearing a wig plowing a blonde chick - for a long time . There's also supposed to be a 5th Die Hard movie . I assume this will also be inferior to a nude Danny Devito .
Lethal Weapon wins round 5 and is the better franchise by a score of 3-2 . Congratulations to all who participated .
In other news I finally found a way to get through to someone at work today . I've been trying to explain to this very smart person for a long time that if they want me to do something for them they should tell me and not wait until they have 1,000,000,000 things piled up for me before saying anything . I finally got through to them today with this analogy ; Say you're going to get fucked in the ass 365 times a year . Now , would you rather get fucked in the ass once a day for the whole year or 365 times in one day ? See even if you like getting fucked in the ass 365 times in one day is too much yeah ? Seemed like she got my drift .
In other other news all my friends keep telling me I need to buy a tablet . Why ? What's the advantage besides being able to download porn on a crowded bus or being able to get hit by a train while checking your e-mail ?
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It never fails
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Posted:Sep 12, 2012 6:37 pm
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2012 4:55 pm
65593 Views
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The number of people who watch my blog always goes up when I don't post for a while . I've always felt that most people like me a little better in retrospect . Validated !
I have returned from my mystic journey of self discovery (and stalking the Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders) and I will sum up what I have learned with this ;
"The man who reads a thousand books is powerful . The man who memorizes a thousand books is insane ."
I think I had something else I was going to write about but I can't remember now . Honestly I've felt kind of blogged out lately . I mean once you've given everyone step-by-step instructions on how to make love to you what else is there to say really ?
I came home to a crack in my ceiling - I'm not excited about that .
But on the plus side a bunch of my dumb co-workers walked off the job while I was gone . No two weeks notice , no nothing , just gone . I'd like to think the big bosses will realize maybe this means they're not doing so great of a job but then again I'd like to think I have the world's finest cock .
Also doesn't it seem like finested should be a word ?
Anyway , if you have anything you want me to blog out I'm taking requests .
In the meantime , since I have nothing else to say , here's a picture from my blog file I don't remember why I have ;
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Last dance for napkin lad
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Posted:Sep 4, 2012 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2012 8:31 am
66389 Views
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Soon I will embark on an epic journey to Distant Lands . Based on what I learned from playing Oregon Trail as a its likely I shall never return (and that you should never try caulking a wagon) . The defining and perhaps final moment of my life is upon me . Could I turn away from this Great Trek ? Of course I could , it would be easy to do so . But it would be an insult to life itself . Much like my ancestors who came to the new world (to avoid jail or military service) I too shall head off into the unknown to meet my destiny . I do not shrink away , I meet my challenges boldly (or some other word that means something like bold only less bold) and head off into the great beyond .
Pray for my safe return if that is your custom , but more importantly , if I do no return prepare to wreak bloody vengeances on those who beset me on all sides with their inequities . Some of you may be reluctant to drown the world in an orgy of violent bloodletting for some random dude on the internets , but think about this - is a world without 40Deuce really a world you want to live in ? Consider that that harden your heart against pity and remorse . Make your heart a stone , sharpen your swords on suffering and quench the flames of forging with your tears .
READ THIS PART ONLY IF I'M DEAD
Please remember me doing what I loved most ;
Final thoughts ;
slwdwn2pullovr - I have no idea who you are put slowing down to pull over is a good idea , kudos
menteluminosa - Your screenname is great but you're too good looking to be hanging around my blog
smartasswoman - I love you . Not in the way that a man loves a woman (or sometimes another man) but in the way a gorilla loves a kitty
superbj55 - You had me at "you're not that ugly"
wildoats19622 - I didn't realize you live in Iowa until just now
SnuggleBuni41 - One time you asked for a nude picture of me , I have left special instructions for the funeral director - expect an e-mail
DDnMore - You were my first , but my first what ?
sexygirl8354 - I have no idea who you are , but I salute your sexy girlness
Feverpitch60 - Even though you have betrayed me and left me for dead with these circus animals you were the best friend I ever had
travellerabc123 - Tunnel to the center of the earth for me man
powellty - No clue who you are but if I ever threw up on your carpet I'm sorry
TwistedVirginOTR - I've always liked to imagine you were an extra in lord of the rings , but you probably weren't
FMAOPLS - You're my 5th favorite Canadian (second if you only count Canadian ladies)
syndeeangel - I got your profile mixed up with some lady from Portugal , I just found out you're not from Portugal - sorry
Onerealcoocat - I think onerealcoconut would be a better name
SandraD1000 - If I ever went to jail in a women's prison I would like have you as my cellmate
kama732 - Kamas are okay , kamis are better
fm00000000000 - Hmm , no clue , I presume you are ghost - ghost on my friend
Wendylouwhoo - I forgive you for your hatred of cats , if we were both lesbians I would totally make out with you
penman5248 - Continue to fight crime with your pen powers , with moderate power comes moderate responsibility
galen4u - Turn tape over , nuff said
ergo50490 - I met a lady from Malaysia once , she was kind of a bitch , I hope she's not your mom
gottaring - Did you ever see the movie "Gone , Baby , Gone" ? It was really good .
bustybettyboop - In my broomball league there's a team called the Triple B's , I tried to get them to put your face on their jerseys but they stepped on my hair and told me I was fat
Passenger571000 - See you on the other side
jonno6965 - New South Wales is the bomb yo
siva19711000 - Huh , I'm way bigger in Malaysia than I thought
Sassy1Here - I was afraid to look at your profile because I have a cousin your age who lives in Knoxville and I'm was worried you're her ; although she's not very sassy
buxombbw4u - Just press and pull
1or1night - I never figured out what your name was supposed to mean
japaneseass - I says you watch my blog but I don't believe it , if you do your blog is great
Kalia34 - For a long time I thought you were a lady at work who's stapler I stole , turns out you aren't
KarlBloggerfeld - No one would read my blog if it wasn't for you , funny thing is I think you just happened to stumble upon it the one week I wrote a few funny things - burn on you
NatalieWouldToo - Would what ? WOULD WHAT ?
sonic_n_sideshow - I miss you
Vikesgirl - If you mean real viking you are cool , otherwise go to hell
GloryUnBound - I like the world Unbound
Everyone else - Please wear condoms in your ears in memory of me
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Its official - Asian is the best race
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Posted:Sep 3, 2012 10:51 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2013 4:56 pm
68222 Views
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Thank you to all the other races for participating .
The other day I was chatting with one of my fellows and they made the statement that "Nothing racist is ever funny ." Which , I know what he was really trying to say "racism is bad" (and what he was trying to convey "I'm a good person because I think racism is bad" way to go out on a limb) but that statement taken on its face is not true . Humor , of course , is subjective - there's plenty of people who think that horribly racist things are funny . All you can ever say is if something if funny to YOU right ? For instance , one time the comedian on the TV said ;
"So there's this show called the Amazing Race - is that a documentary about white people ?"
I admit it , I laughed . Its a horrible thing to say obviously , but here's the gag - most jokes are . That's kind of what makes them funny (to me) . The stuff that's funniest to me is funny because its absurdism - something that no right thinking person would ever actually mean . Does that make me a bad person ? probably , but its still the way it is .
And while we're on the subject , there's a dude who's on Breaking Bad sometimes (Bill Burr) who is (or was) a stand up comedian . He used to have a pretty funny act . Then he started doing a lot of racial stuff and (to me) he got a lot less funny . He was interviewed recently and he talked about that specifically , and he said the reason he did that was he was kind of pissed about how most black comedians based a large part of the act on ragging on whitey . Which didn't bother him at all as a white person , it bothered him as a comedian . He talked about how hard it us to put together a whole set and he didn't think it was fair that someone else could do five minutes of "You see white people walk like this" and become famous .
I'm not sure what I think about that .
Anyway , now that I've mentioned race I'm sure everyone hates me - and you'd be right to do so .
So riddle me this - its been brought to my attention that most people don't consider oral sex "sex" (thanks a lot Clinton) so what is it then ? The best way to say hello ever ? If someone asked me "Hey 40 , did you have sex last night ?" and I went downtown on a sexy lady I'm supposed to say no ? That won't hunt monsignor . Lets think about this right ? Oral sex - it has the word sex right in it ! Anyway , everyone please stop have oral sex until we get this figured out . Thank you for your cooperation .
In other news , I think if it ever become a pro wrestler my theme music will be "Calm Like a Bomb" . Speaking of music ;
Local Music Song of the Day - I CRY WOLFE- "THERE IN THE HILLS DREAM MAGIC"
Anyway , that's my blog and I'm sticking to it .
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Now I get it , sadly
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Posted:Sep 1, 2012 7:57 am
Last Updated:Sep 12, 2012 6:02 pm
64812 Views
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Local music song of the day - DIRTY LITTLE RABBITS - "YOU SAY"
Since most people are firmly entrenched (I want to say entranced but that only kind of makes sense) in the 21st century I felt it was high time I joined the 20th so I ordered a machine off the internets that has the capabilities for taking what some call "photographs" . I don't even have it yet and all I can think about is the 67,003 pictures of my dick I want to post online . Its a sad realization that I'm no better than the rest of the CHUDs on here (and everywhere in the world likely) . I know no one wants to see it . I know that . But that only makes me want to do it more . Just the idea that someone , somewhere might be looking at my junk feels me with shameful pride . Shide I'll call it . (As long as I'm creating news words , also Validatred - which is when you're unreasoning hatred of someone turns out to be legitimate) I'm disgusted with myself . But I've made me peace with that . I knew a long time ago I was a horrible person .
On the plus side I can update my profile pic someday - I've been told its very misleading . Apparently some people think my dumb head is more important than showing my flabby pale flesh . Noted .
In other news I had a massage the other day and when I walked in the massuese was rubbing the shoulders of the receptioninst , who "joked" as she does every time "You can't have her yet , I'm not done ." To which I "joked" in return "I probably tip better ."
Then when we were walking back to the massage chamber my lady mentioned that I was a really good tipper , which seems like kind of a strange thing to say to me , I don't know why exactly . But as always I was ready to kick the strange meter up several levels and I explained to her that I always tip massuses well because I feel bad they have to touch my disgusting body . To which she said "I like massaging you ."
That took me ABACK . I thought I was making it weird . Its like turning over an ace on the river , she bets , I raise , and then she RE-raises . Before my brain could activate my mouth sprung into action . "Why ?" I gasped .
She said my skin feels "interesting" . What does that mean ? My first thought is that all my moles make it like there's a message in Braille on my body . So I got a book on how to read Braille at the half price book store and checked it out . My moles do read "I serve none but Korrok" in Braille but I'm not convinced that was what she was talking about .
And now , on a sad note , please lets all take a moment to remember Martha Washington , killed on this day in 1802 by her husband (our first president) by a lethal karate kick to the head after a failed drug intervention .
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40Deuce versus the timeless dance of seduction
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Posted:Aug 29, 2012 6:34 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2012 9:57 am
65013 Views
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I forgot last time - Local Music Song of the Day CHRISTOPHER THE CONQUERED - "THE TRUTH IS ON IT'S WAY"
When I got to work today there was a Famous Dave's catering truck outside the building . I couldn't help myself , even though I knew it was unlikely to be for my department I got excited . It wasn't . I was sad . I love ribs .
I've got no moves . We all know this by now . But what you may or may not know is that I don't recognize when people are putting the moves on me either . If you're a lady and you want to have the sexy intercourse with me ; first of all there's probably something wrong with you , secondly you're going to have to make it VERY obvious . If you take my pants off , lick my balls a little , take your clothes off , climb up and insert my penis into your vagina than I might know what's up . A written (and notarized) memo work best honestly . The lady I dated for the longest time ever used to get pissed at me about that . She claim she was "throwing" herself at me and I didn't notice . I'm dense , what can I say ? Of course she got pissed at me a lot . Some of it was my fault .
Speaking of sucking , the other day I got a e-mail from a lady (fake probably) saying she wanted to suck my dick like a leech . Pardon me madam ? I don't care for that idea one bit . First of all leeches secrete anesthetizing chemicals when then put the suck on you so I would even feel it . Secondly , I like my penis blood to stay inside my penis thank you very much . Fun fact , getting even a small cut on your erect penis can quickly lead to bleeding to death since its basically a system design to move a lot of blood and not much else .
Its weird to think how hard a dick can get just from a rush of blood . I want that superpower for all parts of my body , then I could punch people without shattering all the bones in my hand . And man oh man are there a lot of people I want to punch .
Cool Hand Luke is a great movie , if you haven't seen it go watch it now . I'll wait .
There's a line from that movie that probably most people know from a GNR song (the lady who got pissed at me a lot loved them) "What we have here is a failure to communicate . Some men you just can't reach . So you get what we had here last week . Which is the way he wants it . Well , he GETS it ."
I think that a lot when I'm on this site . After the latest married lady incident I've been looking at profiles a lot closer . I was contacted by a woman who's interested in so called "water sports" which I declined to become interested in because "water sports" are not a sport and there's no water involved . Although I guess urine is mostly water . Now , as we all know the penis is not a very accurate urine delivery system - its not like I haven't been splashed a time or two . And honestly , no big deal , I pissed on myself - who cares ? But while I try not to be a judgmental assmagnet if you're doing that for sexual pleasures there's something wrong . I'm sorry I feel that way about something harmless you do , but that's the way it is .
In other news I said the other day that the song "Booty Wave" only have 5 words in it , but I was way wrong . Here are the lyrics for those keeping track at home ;
Booty wave , its like a booty tsunami
Now get down on your knees , and call me your mommy
Don't misbehave , because I know you want me
Surfs up on this booty , hang ten big daddy
You wanna ride this , you can't deny this , come get inside this
Booty wave
And that does repeat a million times , but still that's a lot more than five words . I'm not too proud to admit when I'm wrong . I think maybe prideful would be better grammar in that last sentence . I'm not too proud to admit that .
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Being a supervillain means never having to say you're sorry
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Posted:Aug 28, 2012 5:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2012 10:08 am
66226 Views
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Bah , I almost started writing about my job . My job ! Thankfully we've dodged that bullet . Most of my friends all work at the same place and they spend a lot LOT of their free time blabbing about work . Which bores me to tears and annoys me to no end . Work sucks up enough time of your life without willing devoting more time to it . I don't know , maybe they like their jobs a lot more than I do (although it doesn't seem like it) .
I'd much rather spend time arguing about Star Wars - its the natural state of being for me and my fellow nerds . For instance , take Jabba the Hutt
First of all why do we need to call him the Hutt ? Are they worried we'd get him confused with some other Jabba ? Jabba the pediatrician maybe ? Its a Bozo the Clown situation . Completely unnecessary appellation . Its like calling me 40Deuce the Well Hung Stud . There's just no need . Plus why does he have all these scantily clad ladies chain to him ? Would I do that if I was a crime boss ? Of course I would . But I am a human (probably) Jabba like all Hutts is a hermaphrodite and doesn't reproduce sexually - so what gives ? I thank him for putting princess Leia in gold bikini but it makes no sense . By the way if none of you have seen Olivia Munn dressed as slave Leia check it out .
Now , the one area where my friends and I do differ , is they all say there's no way Jabba could be the leader of a criminal syndicate when you can't even move . I beg to differ . Even in the criminal world success is all about brainpower , not muscles . And eating live froglike creatures in Jabba's case . Jabba is in charge because he's the brains of the operation . He's like Benjamin Linus from Lost (best character on the show by the way) he's not going to kick anyone's ass - he doesn't need to because he's 10 steps ahead of them . Those were my favorite moments from Lost , when the "heroes" thought they had turned the tables on Ben only to realize they were doing exactly what he wanted . Again . Also that blonde chick was pretty hot , not the skinny one who died , the other one . Who died later . But not the super skinny one from that one soap opera . Who died . Huh , I guess only the brunettes got out alive on that one .
I got an e-mail the other day telling that my blog isn't funny anymore . I get one of these every few weeks . Its probably true . I've noticed that outside of a few loyalists my watchlist is kind of a revolving door . The number of watchers more or less stays the same but the people on the list is always in flux . I think most people read my blog for a couple weeks and then bail . Thats really probably all anyone should read in the interest of their own mental health .
Anyway , in an effort to make my blog "funny" "again" here's a list . Lists are funny right ?
6 Reasons why man nipples aren't useless
Storage - Nipples are a great place to hang your tools
Nipples can tell the temperature - If your nipples are pointed towards the heavens that means its 28 degrees Fahrenheit with a chance of snow showers
Wilderness safety - By showing your nipples you can trick predators into thinking you have compound eyes
Navigation - Go whichever direction your nipples point when you're lost
Navigation #2 - In a sea of chest hair a man's nipples help a woman (or man) find his penis in the dark . Halve the distance between the nipples and head due south for the sexy times . Nipples are like the north star .
Laundry - With a couple of clothes pins drying the laundry has never been easy .
There , now laugh you basterds .
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40deuce vs the Indianapolis Colts cheerleaders (again with the chaps ?!)
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Posted:Aug 26, 2012 8:59 am
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2012 10:07 am
64817 Views
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Local music song of the day - HOLY WHITE HOUNDS- "BLACK SUN"
I hate the Indianapolis Colts (for the record I also hate the Steelers , the Bears , the Chiefs , the Raiders , The Browns , the Packers , the Bills , the FUCKING GIANTS , the Broncos and the Charges - football is about hate for me I guess) I'm not sure why . I hate Peyton Manning too (the best day of my life was when he threw 4 picks against the Patriots in the AFC championship - also I think I got a blowjob that day , but mostly it was the Peyton thing) but I hated the Colts before he got there and I still hate them now .
Anyway , despite my hatred for them , I find their cheerleading team to be best . And by best I mean , of course , the one I want to have killer orgy with (literally , its called a deathgasm) . And I think its because they're chaps wearing fools .
I find that very erotic for some reason . And yes , I know some other cheerleading squads in the NFL do the same thing but its not the same . The Coltettes (as I assume they're called) do it best . And I'm going to say they did it first without any back-up to that statement at all . For the record I think its silly to have cheerleaders in pro sports at all (except the Miami Heat ones - those are proper hos right there) but since they do the Indianapolis Coltettes are the best . Also one time when I was expression my feelings on cheerleaders being silly in pro sports this was said to me ;
"What are you ? Gay ?"
If I had a dime for every time I'd heard that I'd have a couple bucks .
In other news , if you're going to use a diminutive of my screen name I prefer 40 rather than deuce . I never knew why until the other day when someone at work was talking about Deuce Bieglow . Somewhere buried in my subconscious I remembered that movie and didn't want to be associated with it .
And , now a new feature , the Machete of the Day - wherein I catalog the kind of people I'd like to kill with a Machete . I've said before one of the (many) things that I hate is when people not only behave like douches , but then are PROUD of themselves . They wouldn't be on the machete list of they at least had the good graces to be ashamed of themselves . I say "I blame reality TV" a lot as a joke , but this time I mean it .
One day as a youth , on vacation , my parents were chatting with some people they knew from the neighborhood who happened to be in the same area (I think it was the Wisconsin Dells - I mostly just remember the rage) My parents asked how this family got such primo lodging . They were only too happy to tell us .
"Well , y'know what the trick is" her mom said boobily . "You just ask to speak to the manager and tell them you're traveling with a handicapped person and can they please help you ."
Of course no one in this family was handicapped . What was worse than this filthy lie was the pride she took in telling it . Like all the people who don't claim misfortune falsely for the purposes of tricking undeserving charity out of others just aren't as smart as she .
I used to date the event manager for the big arena in town and people did this ALL THE TIME . Hey , I'm totally handicapped give me the best seats in the house and free drinks and drive me to the show and would it kill you to give me a handjob ? You know who doesn't do that shit ? Actual handicapped people .
Although she's dead now , there used to be a fairly well-known playwright named Wendy Wasserstein (she won a Tony for The Heidi Chronicles). Think of her as a less funny , less talented Neil Simon . But without a penis . And also dead . In any event , Wasserstein was on Letterman one day promoting her new play and told a story about how she was a NYC native and how her family would go to see the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall every year . For non-New Yorkers , that's like a big deal institution thing . People come from all over and wait in really long lines . Well , turns out Wendy lived like just a subway ride away and each year her family would do this cute thing where they'd walk to the front of this long line of people waiting in the cold , and lie . They'd say they were a family from Arkansas or something who had driven miles and miles for the show and now they were afraid their won't get to see it . According to Wasserstein , that worked like a charm ; Radio City would let them cut the line and give them seats front and center . Isn't that great ? Oh , she was so pleased .
And even though I was a watching TV , I asked, "What about all those families who actually had driven miles to see the show ? Why does your ass deserve that seat more than they do ?" And I have to believe that if she were here , she'd say it was because she had the brains or guts to come up with that great lie . Well , it was a shameful lie . A disgraceful thing to say , and each and every year , it probably did help fuck some more hones t, unassuming person out of a deserved seat . Just as there must be handicapped people staying farther from their destination because some gum-chewing mom has the audacity to tell head-shakingly awful lies when making travel arrangements . Does that not occur to these people , or do they just not care ? I'm not sure , but even worse than the deceit is the pride they take in it . Most of the world is smart and brave enough to craft some deceit ; the emotion you should be feeling is shame .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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