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50 Shades of Dorian Gray
Posted:Oct 14, 2018 3:32 pm
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2018 5:51 pm
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Now there's a mash-up everyone can enjoy .

It's been a LONG time since I got a blog request but much as I did in my very unpopular post where I reviewed the Harry Potter movies just from the trailers I have been asked to do the same for the 50 Shades series .

So here we go , 50 Shades of Grey . Woman in an elevator – remember the trailer for Damages with the lady in the elevator . It’s not like that . “This is just an interview for the newspaper” she says in a voice over . I already don’t like that JUST an interview ? As opposed to what ? Is there anymore overused word than just ? I mean LITERALLY . Oh the guy’s name is Mr. Grey , that’s dumb . I thought his name was Mr. Big . His sexy blonde lady assistant seems like she’s 8 feet high , maybe the other lady is just really short .

I don’t like this lady already , she’s very timid . I guess that’s the idea though – she needs his dude to set her free . “I’d like to know more about you” classic move . Not really appropriate in an interview though . He doesn’t seem all that cool to me . LOL she’s all like “I mean look at me” like she’s not an incredible attractive movie actress or anything . I guess she is wearing a sweater . That’s probably Hollywood Ugly .

This guy looks like a real weirdo . Aww shit the music just changed things are about to get freaky . “To what do you owe your success ?” “I exercise control in all things” . Drop on anvil on us why don’t you ? I wonder what he’s a success in . He’s some sort of business tycoon . I presume they don’t go into that too much .

They’re walking in a forest now . Still part of the interview for the newspaper ? Ha , this movie came out on Valentine’s Day , I wonder which happened more – guys being dragged to this movie or guys taking women to it who really couldn’t have cared less ? “Come on Gina it’s friggin’ romantic ! What do you want from me ?”

Now she’s on a different elevator in an ugly blue jacket – you know because she’s a plain Jane and NOT a sexy movie actress lady . They’re making out in this elevator . I was just talking about that last night . I don’t like being in elevators . Now they’re getting on a helicopter . How far can helicopters actually go ? I’ve always wonder that . Seems like they’d be pretty short range .

He’s incapable of leaving her alone . Stalker alert . She’s into it though so it’s fine . Now he’s playing a piano – I suppose to show that he’s a sensitive type deep down past his alleged macho business exterior . She’s wearing a sheet so I guess they already banged . I suppose you don’t bring up the freaky stuff until after you bang a few times .

He tells her to stay away because he’s bad news . THAT ONLY MAKES HER WANT HIM MORE !!! What a twist ! Now she’s trying to kiss another dude and he runs up and shoves the guy away . Not sure what that’s about . Is there a love triangle here ? Where did he come from ? Maybe he really is stalking her . I feel like if you’re rich you should have people for that .

Looks like this other guy has a motorcycle ? Maybe he’s the blue collar foil to richie-rich here . I wonder if Nicole Ritchie is in this movie . Probably not . Is Lionel Ritchie still alive ? Now they’re banging again . Maybe she was kissing that other dude to make him jelly ? She awakes alone – he’s gone . She’s distress .

“I don’t do romance” he says while finger-banging her under a table at a dinner of some sort . We get it people he’s not a nice guy . Now he’s walking around shirtless but he’s wearing dungarees . Maybe he’s trying to look like the blue collar guy ? That doesn’t seem very dominatoring . But what I don’t know about dominance could fill a book – and that book is 50 Shades of Grey . Or Gray . Not sure .

Oh snap he’s got a blindfold now we’re getting somewhere . “You wouldn’t understand” that seems a little condescending – I feel like BDSM is pretty much understood by everyone at this point . I suppose he meant she wouldn’t understand it on like a deep metaphysical level . People love to pretend that whatever they’re into is totally mysterious and special . I bet she’ll say something like “teach me” or some bullshit like that .

Now they’re flying some kind of super jet . They’re having a grand old time . Maybe his company does avionics . His shirts off again . I’ll had it to the guy he’s got a good body , C minus face though . “Enlighten me then” . I was pretty close . I’m going to give that one too me .

Oh snap again now he opens the LOCKED DOOR to I assume his super dungeon . I understand the drama of the locked door opening but that’s pointless really . I mean does he have roommates ? He’s he trying to keep out ? Maybe the main keeps stealing his silver plated butt plugs . Now we’re getting a super fast montage – brief flashes of nudity , rope bondage , some kind of apparatus , robes hitting the ground – freaky people are really into robes . Maybe his company makes robes .

Not sure I like this version of “Crazy In Love” .

So that’s it I guess . She meets this dude and they bang and then it gets fetishy . Seems a little thin for a while movie let alone a trilogy . I guess we’ll find out .

Moving on – Fifty Shade Darker .

Again comes out on Valentine’s Day . I wonder if the second movie had a significant drop off attendance wise from the first . We got some fireworks going off . Not sure what that’s about . Maybe his company makes fireworks . He’s giving her a present . Apparently we’re supposed to forget the past . Seems a little brainwashy . Okay he’s putting on a mask NOW things are going to get all Eyes Wide Shut I assume . A shot of her feet in heels for the foot people .

That looks like a different dude . Did they switch Mr. Bigs between movies ? The gift is a mask for her – a nice girly one though . Dudes always just have matte Lone Ranger masks , the women get the good ones . Yet another example of the double standard . They’re at some kind of gala . I wonder if it’s a freaky gala or a normal gala .

Wait maybe that was a different guy because now she’s getting flowers and the voice over says I want you back . I guess at the end of the first movie things didn’t work out ? Or is that blue collar motorcycle man that wants her back ? Those flowers are pretty nice .

Mr. Big is looking wistfully out a window . Okay , I get it now the first movie is him being all “I don’t DO romance ya dig ?” but now she’s shown him what love is . She’s not into it though . Their eyes lock in an art gallery – must be stalking her again . Now SHE’s the one being all like “lets bang already bro” . Role reversal ! No more sweaters for this gal .

Are they banging in a shower with their clothes on ? Is that a fetish ? Wait her name is Anastasia ? That’s terrible . Back in the day that was 100% the go-to name for any woman I knew writing erotica . Have you ever met an Anastasia in real life ? I bet it’s Anastasia Steel or something like that . Oh snap what if she’s Remington Steel’s daughter ? That would be a twist for sure . Shared universe !

More fireworks . This second movie must take place on the 4th of July or something . Mr. Big is doing pull ups – his lats look great . Much better face too , if it’s not a different guy they must have done some good plastic surgery on him . She says “this time no rules” it is so fucking ON !
They’re on a yacht . Maybe things get all Dead Calm . Hmm , “no punishments” . What’s that about ? I can’t tell if she’s saying no more freaky stuff or let’s get super de duper freaky . Partial nudity – robes falling to the floor . Hmm , “no more secrets” . So he must have had some secret that broke them up in the first movie . What could it be ?

Okay she’s shutting the door on the dungeon room so I guess they’re back in the swing of things ?

Aw snap they’re in bed together and some other broad is standing there looking at them . Maybe the secret was he’s married ? Maybe blue color motorcycle guy had a sex change and he’s trying to break them up from another angle . That would be a twist . Oh wait she’s gone . So she was a ghost ? Does this get all supernatural ? I mean this is supposed to be Twilight fan fiction are the vampires finally showing up ?

She’s trying to leave a room of some sort and he’s all up in her business . Or wait is that another dude ? She’s shushing her . Did she cheat on him ? Now they’re back at the gala and she’s leaving in a huff because of some other lady . Who’s she ? Is that the wife ?

Now there’s a bunch of cars in a parking garage . Is this going all Fight Club now ? Is it a drug deal ? Mr. Big is getting some kind of report on Anastasia . Is she a mole for a rival fireworks factory ? Now the helicopter is crashing into a river . Is she an assassin from a rival fireworks factory ? I had no idea the fireworks industry was so cutthroat .

Now they’re at a different masked ball ? Stacy is very upset about something and she runs into Mr. Big’s arms who was waiting outside by a car – more stalking ? The other chick is back , not the one from the party the other one – sounds like she’s a jilted ex maybe . So not a vampire I guess .
And that’s it . They really don’t give much information in there trailers . I guess they assume you read the books . Maybe it will all make more sense in the next one .

Part 3 – Fifty Shades Freed

Oh shit they’re married now . I guess she did teach him how to love . Or at least trapped him with a pregnancy scare . I bet that’s why people first got into BDSM stuff – no way to get preggo there . Tying someone up and wailing on them was probably the best thing to do before birth control . A montage of how awesome her life is now that she’s ultra mega rich . Not quite as good as bring a princess but being rich is pretty close . I guess she’s Anastacia Grey now . Do rich people really ride jet skis ? Seems very low class . Have you seen that porn video of the people banging on a jet ski ? I have .

This one also comes out on Valentine’s Day . I wonder if there’s a couple who went to see all three on Valentine’s Day . And if so I wonder what , if anything , that says about them . I further wonder if there’s any couples that are both really into the books . Seems unlikely . REAL BDSM people hate the books and I can’t see too many non-BDSM dudes being into this .

Some sexy stuff . He says all his wealthy meant NOTHING until she came into his life . That’s a good line . I wish I was rich so I could say something like that . That’s the only reason I wish I was rich . She has an office now and an assistant . She’s an editor sounds like – maybe his company is a publishing company ? He wouldn’t be rich then though since print media is dead .

He bought them a house . Doesn’t seem important to the plot . Maybe the house is haunted . Okay I get it now , the architect is a sexy blonde lady – there’s going to be trouble there . Maybe each movie has a different love triangle . She looks pretty tall too . She’s getting all handsy with Mr. Big and Stacy slaps her down , verbally of course , a catfight would be crass in this softcore porn .

Some more sexy stuff . Showing that she’s a match for him . Now a car is following them . A dramatic car chase ? Seems out of place . Hmm , now some scruffy guy named Jack is in the mix . Stacy is very upset about this . More sexy time . I guess his name is Christian . I’ve always found that a little strange . I mean I’ve never met anyone else who’s name is a religion . Except my friend Ed Scientology .

Is that Kim Basinger ? What’s she doing in this movie ? Remember when she went broke and had to be in Wayne’s World 2 ? Talk about movies that don’t hold up well over time . Same with Austin Powers . Now she’s asking someone if he slept with some other woman . Is that Mr. Big ? He looks different . But who else would they be asking ? Did they bring back the original actor halfway through filming the third movie ? That would be a bold move .

Some sort of nightclub fight scene . Huh , now she’s putting a gun down her buttcrack . That’s never seemed like a good idea to me . First of all the metal is probably cold . Second it seems very easy to the gun to fall out of or down into your pants . And third it seems really hard to quick draw from your ass . So wait , she’s having some kind of confrontation with Jack in an abandoned fireworks factory and some other woman is tied to a chair . What the heck is happening here ? Now Mr. Big has a gun ?

More sexy time . Climax pun . And that’s it . These trailers are real coy with details . Maybe there’s not a lot of tell , maybe the running time is 78% sexy time . Seems like movie #1 Lois Lane teaches the Tinman how to love . Movie #2 ???? . Movie #3 action adventure shoot ‘em up ? Dunno . What I do know is that with the release of the book and its popularity, injuries related to BDSM and sex toy use spiked dramatically . In 2012 (you know the year the world ended) sexy injuries requiring emergency room visits increased by over 50% . This is speculated to be due to people unfamiliar with both the proper use of these toys and the safe practice of bondage and other "kinky" sexual fetishes attempting what they had read in the book .

That would be funny if that was the author’s intent because she had stock in a medical supply company – specifically in the surgical tongs they use to extract sex toys from people’s asses . Yes it would .

I’ve heard that the book was horrible written . Why are books with shitty writing always the most popular . I mean the Da Vinci Code ? Fuck you sir . Fuck you .
4 Comments
Shut up about Batman dammit !
Posted:Oct 12, 2018 6:00 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2018 2:15 pm
320 Views

The Batman has been around awhile . As they say in the Lego Batman movie he has aged phenomenally . But it does mean that it’s hard to come up with a new Batman story . Thankfully I the smartest man alive . Unthankfully I use my super intelligence to think about this kind of stuff instead of create a clean burning fuel that also doubles as hand sanitizer .

Here’s the pitch . Opening scene , the standard shit goes down in Gotham – villains are robbing some place and taking hostages and causing a general brouhaha and the Batman shows up to stop them . Which , as always , involves a significant amount of collateral damage . One of the buildings that gets f’d in the A (as the kids say) is an records building . After all hoopla when the criminals are getting wailed on by the police in a windowless interrogation room and the Batman is back at his mansion partying the night away with lady tennis players a crew of dudes is out cleaning up the mess .

One dudes decides to snoop around the records because why wouldn’t you ? Just when the foreman (you know he’s the foreman because he’s balding and has Popeye forearms) bawls at him to get back to work he finds a file called “the Killing Joke” (a little shout for the comic book nerds) and stuffs it in his overalls . Later on he’s in his crummy one bedroom apartment , overalls rolled down , shirtless , eating day pizza and drinking off-brand beer and reading through the reports .

There’s a persistent fan theory about the Joker from the Dark Knight (the greatest movie ever) that his real backstory (You look nervous ? Is it the scars ? Wanna know how I got ‘em ? ) is that he’s a former military dude with PTSD and an ax to grind . We’ll use that but that’s not why he’s the Joker , no , no , no , not at all . This fella , we’ll call him Jack Napier (shout out to the Michael Keaton Batman fans) comes back from serving his country , special ops of course , and things aren’t going great for him . Gotham is a real shithole and he didn’t risk his life out there in Kreblekistan for his hometown to turn into the kind of place where a man in a Halloween costume needs to run around karate chopping poor people .

So he starts agitating and protesting and organizing – things need to change . He starts getting some traction with his grassroots campaign and starts making things uncomfortable for a lot of local power players , you know getting the common folk all riled up and whatnot . So they decide to go for a twofer – not only are they going to rid themselves of an annoying political activists but they’re also going to strengthen their stranglehold on the city .

So they have their police/goons grab old Jacky boy off the street one day after one of his rallies . And they take him to the famed Arkham Asylum where he’s treated to a whole cocktail of psychotropic drugs and various other bad shit – drugs , , mental conditioning , the whole nine yards . They turn him into the Joker .

And then they set him loose on the city and the Joker does what he does and people die and eventually Batman stops him . But the point is that people are scared of his new “super” villain who acts seemingly without motivation . They vote for more police funding , they vote for less civil liberties , they vote for the people who say they can protect them from the Joker menace , they vote themselves less power , they vote out of fear and paranoia – what if the Joker poisoned the water supply ?!?! We a company to come in and take over the water rights – that just so happens to be run by the mayor’s nephew . Etc.

So they keep Jack on ice in the Asylum (you can add in a B-plot love story with a non-Harlequinned Dr. Quinzel if you want) and every time they to stir things up and make people afraid because there’s an election coming up or some such they pump him full of drugs again and the Joker “escapes” from Arkham Asylum and runs amok through the city until the Batman stops him . People are afraid again and they are easily manipulated by the powerful elites who hold Gotham in their iron grip .

Okay , that’s interesting and all 40 but I thought this was a Batman story .

getting to that . So the dude finds out about this crazy conspiracy – they the Gotham City Police Department is using the Joker as a mad dog stalking horse false flag operation to keep their corrupt enterprise going . And he does what anyone does when they find out about a crazy conspiracy – they go on the internet and blab about it . And one listens except for a couple other conspiracy nuts – and their support only hurts his cause because they’re widely regarded as crazy conspiracy nuts . The truth IS out there , but no one cares .

Except the Batman . He cares . And he Batmans the shit out of it – he is the world’s greatest detective you know . And he discovers that it’s all true . His hated enemy and bitter rival – the one man who could possible get him to break The Rule – is actually the victim . Not only that but as he digs into he discovers that all of his enemies have been created by the GCPD . Harvey Dent was trying to lock up bad cops so they made him Two-Face , Pamela Isley was trying to do something about Gotham’s insanely liberal pollution statues so they made her into Poison Ivy , Bane actually is as variety of GCPD officer playing the role for extra , the Scarecrow is a police psychiatrist who likes to study fear close up , etc.

Batman , the ultra-prepared ultra-smart man among men has been getting played this whole time . And that’s not the half of it .

Creating villains is only part of the plan , they also a vigilante to take care of them – and to cause as much damage as possible to the poor parts of town so they can be bought on the cheap and then gentrified . After all , people aren’t SO gullible that they’re going to accept the police driving around town in a tank armed with missile launchers , and no city PD is going to be able to swing flying around in a jet without raising a few eyebrows – so you yourself a good fashioned vigilante . One with enough money to pull it off .

They ID little Bruce Wayne as being the correct mental profile , they kill his parents – which is a bonus because they were crusading do-gooders as well – and the murderer (actually young GCPD officer Jim Gordon) is never caught of course . And to make sure things go the way they want to they bring in Alfred Pennyworth to raise him – a surrogate father/master manipulator who subtly manipulates the hair to the Wayne family fortune to use that fortune to become a nightstalking crimefighter .

The Joker is the stray dog they let off the leash to make a mess and the Batman is the trained attack dog they use to deal with him . And the circle goes on and on . It explains why things never get better in Gotham City . It explains why the Joker and his kind never go to jail , they just end up in Arkham which seems to be about as secure as a breadbag with a twist-tie . It explains why the police never do anything about the Batman himself . It explains everything .

The rich people want an autocratic police state but you have to be subtle about these things – you set up a no holds barred steel cage death match between a man in a bat costume and a psycho clown and people are going to pay attention . Who’s going to worry about abusing zoning regulations when the Joker is blowing up hospitals ? It’s all one big snowjob .

The question is what happens then . The obvious answer is that the Batman rescues the Joker and helps him get back to normal and then they team up and take down the GCPD and all the rich people but that seems somewhat trite .

But then again this is a Batman movie we’re talking about so maybe it’s okay– we ain’t making Citizen Kane here folks .

A really dark ending would be that it seems like Batman is going to rescue the Joker and help him but instead he just beats him up and tosses him in Arkham like always – because even knowing now that it’s all a lie he can’t help himself . It’s all he knows . If the exposes the lie his entire life becomes a lie .

That’s pretty messed up right there .
2 Comments
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
Posted:Oct 10, 2018 5:07 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2018 2:16 pm
625 Views

I came up with another good wrinkle for my Purge/Weekend At Bernie's Movie , the bride is actually a gold-digger who poisons Bernie at the wedding and then has some comedic moments where she can't understand why he's not dying .

You know what’s weird to think about ? Jesus probably couldn’t read .

For some reason the Wizard of Oz is a movie that is often pornified , maybe because it’s just been around so long . Fun game , it’s surprisingly easy to convince people that the Wizard of Oz was the first movie ever made – try it at home . Also surprisingly very few of these porn parodies involve little people . Why would you choose to porn up the Wizard of Oz if you’re not going to go that route ? But then what movies are chosen to be pornified has never made a lot of sense to me .

The point is this , Dorothy in the porn version of the Wizard really gets a raw deal (pun) because look at what she has to choose from . The Scarecrow ? I mean I don’t have a pussy but if I did I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want straw jammed in it . And I know what you’re saying “But 40 , a scarecrow is straw inside burlap !” Yeah , because burlap feels great . Also have you ever sat on a haybale with a covering on it ? It’s just pointy an uncomfortable as hell . I mean don’t get me wrong if you’re going to hump a straw-dick you want some burlap over there if you can get it but it’s still no picnic ya dig ?

Then we have the Cowardly Lion . Two words – penile spines . Lions like all cats and many non-human mammals have spines on their junk that rake the walls of the vagina . Why ? No one knows . But that’s why cats sound like that when they’re banging . No es Bueno . So hard pass on the Cowardly Lion .

So I guess the best choice is the Tin Woodsman ? I mean at least a tin dick is going to be smooth hopefully . So it’s probably just cold and uncomfortable rather that outright painful like our other options . And if the Tin Woodsman is going to be cool about it he could probably warm it up with a heating iron or something first – but obviously you need to be very careful there with temperature control . It’s like they always say – if the Tinman’s cock is too hot to hold it’s too hot to go inside you . Wise words .

I suppose the best case scenario to Dorothy is to try and make to the end where she can bang the Wizard after he’s unmasked . I mean he’s an old dude but at least he’s a human being . I think old balls are better than any of the previous options .

What the heck is the deal with the Wizard anyway ? Is he from Oz or is he from our world like Dorothy ? I don’t remember any native humans in Oz . Munchkins , witches , angry trees , flying monkeys , the assorted weirdos she goes down the Oregon Trail with but no humans . If he’s from out world how did he con his way into being in charge ? And what exactly is he in charge of anyway ? The Munchkins ? And where do these witches come from . Oh wait , I guess the good witch lady looked like a human not a monster . Are witches a race ?
I’m going to admit at this point that I’ve never actually seen the movie .

Why do women have orgasms the way they do ? It doesn’t seem to make sense . One time , and by one time I mean tons of times , a lady told me that she has the big O (not the anime series) from oral but not from intercourse . How does that make sense ?

I understand orgasms as a way to trick us into procreating but if that’s the way it works women should have them from intercourse because last time I checked you can’t get someone pregnant with your tongue . Or if you can you have some real unique physiology .

It’s a tricky area to collect data on but there’s some evidence that having an orgasm during sex increased a woman’s chances of becoming pregnant – so I guess if you want to have a baby go down on your lady after you bang – but that’s even MORE of a reason why women should have them from intercourse .

So what the heck is evolution doing ? It must be good for something otherwise it wouldn’t be present everywhere . Although maybe it’s not . Some women say they’ve never had one – maybe they got the shaft (pun) genetically speaking and they don’t have the orgasm trait .

Back in 2005 Elizabeth Lloyd published a book that stated that women probably started having orgasms as a by-product of men having them and as far as I can tell all the other science people were like “sure” and that was the end of that . But that makes NO sense to me . It’s not like orgasms are a disease you can catch . Or did women start faking orgasms because they saw men having them and over time they became real through the power of “fake it until you make it” . I hate that expression by the way .

That’s not how evolution works is it ? Monkeys have tails as a byproduct of sharks having tails . WTF I say .

They did do a twin study (because twins exist mostly for scientists to study) and found that identical twins SEEM to have the same ability to have rocking orgasms . Which seems to indicate that it’s genetic . But why ? WHY ?

One thing we do “know” is that farther away the clit is from the hole (scientific term) the less likely it is that a woman will regularly achieve orgasm with intercourse . Which implies that there are women out there that have orgasms from intercourse , I’ve just never met one .

Also some asshole scientist probably came up with that anyway “Honey , it’s not my problem you didn’t come , you’re clit is just too far away – there’s nothing anyway can do .”

Do you think Meg Ryan is really good at faking orgasms ? Do you think any dude that sleeps with Meg Ryan feels suspicious about her reactions ?

While we’re on the subject (not really) can someone explain to me how the sterile insect technique works ? So they take a bunch of male whatevers , mosquitos , and they sterilize them and then release them into the wild where they bang all the female mosquitos and that does what exactly ? Insects aren’t monogamous are they ? Doesn’t some other mosquito come along and get all the lady mosquitos pregnant anyway ? Plus do they lay eggs that aren’t fertilized ? Why would they ? There’s so much about insect reproductive biology that I don’t know .

According to the Wikipedia ‘Females that mate with a sterile male produce no offspring’ but how ? You can’t fool mother nature right ? Or do I not understand what “sterile” means ? Are the eggs fertilized but really aren’t somehow ?

If there’s any insect fertility experts reading this please explain .
5 Comments
harder, better, faster, stronger
Posted:Oct 9, 2018 6:24 pm
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2018 2:46 pm
747 Views

A few back I was chatting up a lady and she was grilling me about various things that could disqualify me from the running for getting to touch her boobs and she says to me she says “How many hours a day do you play Xbox ?” and I told her I didn’t have an Xbox nor any kind of gaming console . She was flabbergasted . She was discombobulated . She was gobsmacked . After she regained her composure she goes “You must be more mature than most of the men in their 30s these days .”

And I laughed and laughed and laughed .

Needless to say there was no boob touching .

Movie ideas –

What are two of the most popular movie franchise of all time ? Weekend at Bernie’s and the Purge . Combine them and you have a sure fire hit . See what happens is friends Hercules and Jimmy accidentally kill their boss BUT thinking quickly they realize that the Purge Night is only a week away so all they need to do is make everyone think said boss is still alive until then and then make it look like they killed him on Purge Night . Not enough for you ? Well check this shit out , the night before purge night Bernie is supposed to get married ! So they not only have to puppet him through the ceremony but also through the wedding night . IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINK WINK

Remember in Clerks when Caitlin humps the dead guy in the bathroom ? I do . Apparently the original ending to that movie was supposed to be Dante getting murdered in a robbery . I think I would have preferred that .

Next idea , Crow update . When I was a kid I loved that movie , but now that older and wiser and woke as fuck I see the flaw in it – Shelly was even more victimized than Eric , why didn’t see come back as revenant to get revenge on her attackers ? Am I saying a female Crow re-boot ? NO ! I am saying they both come back together and murder everyone as the loving couple they are . I want to inject a little heart into this bleak rampage of revenge . The final scene after they murder Top Dollar will be the two of them sitting on a hill holding hands as the sun comes up to roast their zombie bones to dust . Romcoms have dominated for too long , it’s time for romror (romantic horror) to move into the market . #horrorfeminism

We’ve got a mash-up and a reboot , what else does Hollywood love to make ? Comic book movies of course . I choose the comic Black Pearl . Average dude is stalking sexy lady and prevents her from being abducted . Spurred on by media fame he adopts a vigilante persona but mostly is still stalking sexy lady . The media continues to whip up a frenzy around said vigilante . Things don’t end well . That’s not very #comicfeminism though is it ? So we to change things . The sexy lady is the one stalking the average Joe . Why ? The shocking twist will shock you ! Right in the groins .

So now what do we ? Clearly a mash-up comic book reboot . We’ll go way back to the original , Zorro , the Gay Blade and in this comic reboot mash we’ll put that together with Robocop . How ? glad you asked . Time travel mother fuckers ! Aw shit there’s time travel too . Why ? Because Zorro is a Terminator sent back to kill Ellen Murphy . You see in the 1840s Don Diego de la Vega bags so many married women that the church prays to almighty God to get rid of him because that’s not kosher and so god sends an angel to kill Zorro BUT Timecop shows up at the last second to throw him through a time-hole because without Zorro there will be no Batman and without Batman there will be no-one to stop Voldemort from taking over Sunnydale . Said timehole deposits Zorro in the grim future controlled by Skynet where he’s captured and taken to be the template for a new Terminator because of his swordplay skills – which are very important to highly advanced killing robots . But during the process Tron interferes from “cyberspace” and gives Zorro back his free will so when he shows up in the past/future instead of killing Ellen Murphy he saves her from a cyborg Tony Montana and the Lost Boys who were sent by Kaiser Soze to take her out . Zorro and Ellen make sweet , sweet love and she becomes pregnant with Luke Skywalker . Unfortunately the bitter cuckold Alex Murphy becomes the Dark Lord of the Sith they call Vader .

Jurassic Fight – People clone dinosaurs and make them battle to the death on Youtube for our amusement . But one of the dinos is gifted Mjolnir and becomes dino-Thor and leads his fellows in a rebellion against the cruelty of man . Only Godzilla can save us from an apocalypse of our own creation .

Shark Tank the Movie – A group of crazy rich people invest in an idea to create tanks filled with water that will be piloted by super intelligent sharks to fight against terrorists . And fight them they do . John Krasinski style .

John Krasinski the Movie – A man named John Krasinski played by Leiv Schriber sets out on a mission to destroy a beloved spy thriller franchise with this goof-goof face .

I had forgotten that after the terrible Ben Affleck Jack Ryan movie they also made a terrible Jack Ryan movie with Chris Pine . Also when is this John Clark movie ever going to happen ? Get on it already Jack Ryan people !

Rocket + Thor buddy comedy . Someone has stolen the Enchantresses golden locks and is planning on using them to entrance the people of earth into giving her an Academy Award – only the mismatch buddy cops of Rocket Raccoon and the Mighty Thor can save the day !

Every Dog Has his Day – Scooby-Do , Brian Griffin , Hooch , Krypto the Super-Dog , Cujo , that dog from Fraser and Marly team up to stop Pussy Galore (not that one the other one , you know the one I mean) who plans on cheating at the Nürburgring by forcing a crash during the race . Her man, Ivan Dimitrov , a racer with an unsavory reputation , is sent to compete in the race. The dogs try to dispatch Dimitrov before he can crash Smith .

Travelling to the Nürburgring , the dogs oversee a meeting between SMERSH Chief , Colonel Gaspanov, Dimitrov , and a third suspicious man - a wealthy American-Korean businessman named Jason Sin . On the day of the race , the dogs narrowly manage to crash Dimitrov before he can ram Smith . They drag the badly burnt Russian from his mangled vehicle in an act of mercy . On a hunch , they investigate Sin's castle residence during a lavish post-race party . There , they discovers suspicious photographs of the space rocket , along with a mysterious girl named Jeopardy Lane . They escape together and after she steals the photographic evidence from the dogs, the spy heads to the U.S. to investigate the rocket launch site . The dogs find the local authorities uncooperative and is rescued from a SMERSH assassination attempt at his motel by Jeopardy . She turns out to be a U.S. Secret Service agent following a trail of counterfeit currency which the Russians had used to bribe the NRL supervisor . They team up and investigate Sin's construction depot in New York State . There , the dogs discovers that Sin is building a replica rocket and are taken prisoner .

Over dinner with the villain it is revealed that he is plotting to destroy the U.S. space program for the Soviets by staging a fake rocket crash in the middle of Manhattan using a subterranean bomb and the replica Vanguard . The dogs are buried alive , but manage to dig their way out and pursues Sin to his explosives-laden subway train at a Coney Island depot . They narrowly miss the departing train , but intercept it with the help of Jeopardy Lane's motorcycle skills (dogs in sidecar) . They leaps on , works their way across the vehicle's roof , disable the bomb and derails the train using makeshift grenades composed of C4 and blast caps . Meanwhile , the real malfunctioning rocket launches and is harmlessly self-destructed using its "Trigger Mortis" fail-safe switch . Knocked unconscious , the dogs awake to find Sin smacking them with a newspaper. As the Korean raises his newspaper to finish them off , the dogs whip a metal chain leash around his leg and tosses the other end onto the live electric rail - electrocuting Sin to death .

Planet of the Apes VS Predator

Superman VS Abbot and Costello

Scarlet Johansen VS Mothra

Final idea – just start having movie stars bang for real on camera and then show it
5 Comments
I'm Batman , I'm awesome , got a nine pack
Posted:Oct 7, 2018 2:28 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2018 6:43 pm
1148 Views

February 19th 2017 I went on a date to see the Lego Batman Movie . It was the high water mark of the relationship . Not because of the Lego Batman Movie (well not JUST because of that) but because we were past the first few weeks/months were things are kind of question marky and nerve wracking but not yet to the part where you start to hate each other . There’s a little sweet spot in there that I assume is why people keep doing it .

I love the Lego Batman Movie . It’s been on HBO for a while now and I watch part of probably ever few days . Does that make me a loser ? Yes . But I don’t care .

As anyone who reads this blog knows (aka no one) I enjoy the Batman . Sometimes people come up to me and that say “Hey 40 , which is the best Batman ?” and the expect me to say Christian Bale or maybe Adam West but I don’t . Because Lego Batman is the best Batman .

Why ?

I’m glad you asked .

Batman has more swagger than anyone . He looks crazy cool at all times , he’s the best fighter in the world , he’s the richest , he’s the smartest , he’s got an unlimited arsenal of cool gadgets . Those things are all in this movie , cranked up to comical levels of excess . Batman is introduced fighting every one of his villains at the same time , while performing a rock song about how awesome he is .

Lego Batman simultaneously mocks and revels in every facet of his character .
Batman has spirit animals of all four Ninja Turtles . He’s a leader , he’s a techie , he’s a jerk with a shitty attitude , but , as we all too often forget , he’s also a totally awesome guy who loves doing totally awesome things .

It’s not just that Batman is more credible a character or his achievements are more meaningful , but that he’s impressive , with more swagger and bragging rights .

Batman always wins with one hand tied behind his back .

Batman is prepared for everything . The coolest thing about him is how hard it is to take him by surprise . He stays up at night thinking about everything you might possibly do to take him out and he comes up with a plan to counter it . In the same way that Bruce Wayne always knows what fork to use at a fancy dinner , Batman knows which gadgets to bring for any occasion . Imagine how powerful it would feel to always be prepared for any eventuality , knowing that you can handle any situation because you’ve already rehearsed it in your mind in every possible configuration .

He can’t rely on superpowers, like Superman does . He relies on his own hyper disciplined mind and powers of observation and deduction .

The hyper-prepared version of Batman who is one step ahead of everyone else is NOT the one who shows up in the Lego Batman Movie . He has a moments of brilliance but mostly impulsive short-sightedness.

One of the moments I found most delightful was when Alfred tells Batman he has to go to a charity event and Batman starts flopping around on the floor , throwing a full-out tantrum . The only thing that cheers him up is a tuxedo dress-up party . Both the tantrum and the joy in wearing fancy dinner jackets are TOTALLY unlike any Batman we know and yet somehow they feel true to the character . It’s almost like we can imagine “traditional” Batman doing those things in his mind and this movie brings that behavior out into the open .

It reminds me of the College Humor skit from a while back about Batman denying that he kills anybody when he clearly just killed a bunch of people . There’s totally a deep Batman who is a stubborn child .

Zach Snyder’s Batman is a fundamental misunderstanding of the character (especially in his cavalier attitude towards manslaughter) . The Lego Batman is also untraditional , but he feels like an EXCELLENT depiction of Batman .

I think a big part of it is that in a Lego movie , violence is basically negated . It’s really interesting ! In both The Lego Batman Movie and The Lego Movie there is theoretically LOTS of fighting , but it’s the most inconsequential fighting I’ve ever seen , because they’re Legos . It’s obviously a lot different than a live action Batman movie , but it also feels a lot different than other animated films . If you’ve ever seen the Kung Fu Panda film , those fight scenes are intense . In Lego Batman, the fighting feels like pushing plastic toys across a coffee table , in a good way . The fighting is still fun to watch – it’s lovingly choreographed and there’s a real joy to it . But it feels low stakes , which decontextualizes the story a little bit.

The point is current day Michael Keaton would be a better Batman than Ben Affleck

Who never skips leg day ? BATMAN !!!
4 Comments
I knew I shouldn't have pissed off that old gypsy woman
Posted:Oct 6, 2018 1:11 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2018 2:29 pm
1385 Views

6 Comments
If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change
Posted:Oct 1, 2018 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2018 6:27 pm
2260 Views

Beautiful words from an dreadful person .

I follow one of my former co-workers on Twitter because she’s a super-ultra-mega liberal (with a foreign twist) and her occasional radical stances amuse me .

She got married recently and she was bragging that on her wedding day she got hammered at the reception , as is tradition , and that night in the honeymoon sweet she wanted to have sex but her husband refused because he said that she was in no condition to be able to consent .

Now , my initial reaction to this is that this is one of her crazy stances that’s going too far . If we’re being honest I think it’s fine to have sex with your drunk wife who’s initiating sex .

Does that make me a horrible person ? Is this the problem ? That I , and people like me , think that’s fine ?

I hate to say “where’s the line” because it seems like guys who ask that are asking because they want to know how shiftily they can behave before the sheriff comes to arrest them , but where’s the line ?

On two occasions my first Meelp friend went out drinking with her pals , and booty called me when she got home and I obliged said call . Does that mean I’m a (BANNED TOPIC) ?

I mean obviously if a dude finds a woman passed out drunk and has sex with her that’s just flat out (BANNED TOPIC) but that’s not the conversation we’re trying to have right ? That dude is just a criminal , the end . What the current conversation is about (I think) is when things aren’t so cut and dry .

What if both people are drunk ? What does that mean ? They’re both guilty ?

If you’re over the legal limit what does that mean ? If you get drunk and rob a Long John Silvers you can’t go “not my fault , I was too drunk to know what I was doing” no matter what your blood alcohol is right ? But if you’re over the limit does that mean you can’t consent legally ? I don’t think so but I don’t know . If you get drunk and sign a contract with someone can you get out of it by saying you were impaired ?

I guess the basic question is does being intoxicated legally mean the same thing as being mentally incompetent ? It can’t mean that though because you can say you’re not fit to stand trial for a crime based on mental competency but you can’t for being shit-faced .

Keep in mind of course that this all comes from the perspective of a non-drinker so I don’t even really know what I’m talking about .

So imagine that tomorrow I decided I’m done with not drinking and I buy myself two jugs of Woodchuck Hard Cider and I go to town . And in my drunken state I pop off a tweet to WNBA all-star Maya Moore saying I want to bang and she happens to be in town and comes over and we have sex . The next day if I say “She (BANNED TOPIC) me” on account of I was too drunk to know what I was doing there is no chance of anything happening other than my name becoming a brief late-night punchline . So does that make it okay or is that just a whole different problem ?

I feel like whenever people talk about this they say something like “you KNOW when someone is too drunk” which seems like a bullshit cop-out to me . Is the answer that you just shouldn’t have sex with anyone who’s been drinking at all ? I’d be fine with that but clearly the US as a society LOVES the booze so I doubt that’s going to get far at all .

So is the solution that you need to make sure you’re AS drunk as the person you’re about to have sex with ? Because that seems to make sense “logically” but it’s clearly insane . If a dude said “She was pretty tipsy so I chugged a 40 real quick to make sure it was kosher” you’d say something like “get away from me (BANNED TOPIC)” .

I mean obviously the real salutation is to bring back prohibition but there’s no way that’s going to fly .

The other day someone said that other countries don’t have the alcohol problems that the US does , not taking about this specifically , and I don’t know if that’s true or not . But if it is true it can’t be just because of the age limit can it ? It seems far too easy that all these problems with alcohol would be solved if kids in America started having a glass of wine with dinner .
If there is a difference it has to be cultural right ? Because whatever you may or may not think about America is certainly seems to be WAY different than anywhere else .

I’m kind of talking in circles about nothing here really but there is one thing I want to bring up . It’s been trendy now for a while to circulate memes about consent being “sexy” . Am I wrong or is that an insane thing also ? Think about it if a dude said “consent really turns me on !” wouldn’t you run screaming away from that weirdo ? Doesn’t saying that consent is sexy equate it to a push-up bra or something ? Am I off base here ? Am I horribly missing the point ?

I’m not sure what the point of this post is but it was on my mind .
4 Comments
She said to me "That's the biggest penis I've ever seen !"
Posted:Sep 30, 2018 7:51 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2018 6:31 pm
2592 Views
And I said to her "I know , that's why I brought you to the penis museum" .

In a meeting the other day a lady was giving a status report and we were running short on time so the dude who was supposed to give his report after he says "No one cares about your report would you stop so I can go ?" This was not well received . But the worst part ? He's right , no one does care about her report - it doesn't effect anything , it's just that everyone has to do it you know ?

When someone is being an asshole it's always worse to me when their assholery is basically what everyone is thinking .

As far as I can tell being in a relationship largely consists of doing things you don't want and slowly building resentment for such until you do something like "accidentally" throw away one of her Care Bears that she's had since she was 8 . Probably the one that got me the most in terms of resentment was going to the farmer's market .

"40 that doesn't seem so bad ."

I know , and that's what makes it so bad you know ? Follow me on this , when your partner asks you do something you AB-SO-LUTE-LY hate you can kind of handle it you know ? Because they know what they're asking . But then there's other things that are like the perfect resentment builders because they're not a big enough deal to make an issue of right ? The farmer's market is number one on my list for that .

First of all you have to get up early on a Saturday . Fuck that noise . Secondly there's dogs all over the place and dogs are stupid and I hate them . Apparently that's a thing - just taking your dog to the farmer's market . And thirdly I'm going to stand in a line for 30 god damn minutes for a fucking breakfast burrito that isn't even that good .

One time many years ago I was engaging in some resentment-building gardening . Things hadn't gotten off to a great start because she seemed to be assuming some level of gardening knowledge that there was no reason to assume . This an exaggeration for effect but it felt to me like this is what happened -

"What do you what me to do ?"

"Garden"

Anyway , so I was standing there will a shovel kind of poking around doing a whole lot of nothing and we were chatting , I don't remember about what . And I asked a question and she responded and then after a beat she said

"Wait , do you think I'm stupid ?"

And I said after a beat "You are soooooooo pretty"

Terrible . And the worst part is I didn't think she was stupid , I was just being a jerk because I was "forced" to garden .

My attempts to get a regular flag-day get together with the gang have failed so my new plan is to see if I can get a tradition going where we celebrate Canadian thanksgiving , since despite what sitcoms would have you believe , you generally don't hang with your crew on thanksgiving since that's family time .

People seem into it this year , but will it stick ? I sure hope so .

I realize that as the single unmarried person in the group this is an attempt to desperately try to keep us together as they drift farther away into their 40deuceless lives but that realization doesn't stop me from wanting to try .

The problem is that this year Canadian thanksgiving is the same day as Columbus Day and some people might think we're celebrating that . Which is no bueno .

I'm making the turkey and stuffing and the traditional Canadian thanksgiving treat Nanaimo bars .



Ingredients

Bottom Layer
½ Cup unsalted butter
¼ Cup sugar
5 Tbsp. cocoa
1 egg beaten
1 ¼ Cups Graham wafer crumbs
½ Cups finely chopped almonds
1 Cup coconut

Middle Layer
½ Cup unsalted butter
2 Tbsp. and 2 Tsp. cream
2 Tbsp. vanilla custard powder
2 Cups icing sugar

Top Layer
4 squares semi-sweet chocolate (1 Oz. each)
2 Tbsp. unsalted butter

Procedure

Bottom Layer
1.Melt first 3 ingredients in top of double boiler.
2.Add egg and stir to cook and thicken.
3.Remove from heat. Stir in crumbs, coconut, and nuts.
4.Press firmly into an ungreased 8" x 8" pan.

Middle Layer
1.Cream butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar together well. Beat until light.
2.Spread over bottom layer.

Top Layer
1.Melt chocolate and butter over low heat. Cool.
2.Once cool, but still liquid, pour over second layer and chill in refrigerator.

Once set, cut into squares and serve. Enjoy.
5 Comments
I am cleaver
Posted:Sep 29, 2018 9:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2018 7:27 am
2637 Views

I had a post all ready to go in my mind about the Batman (it's been a while since I did a Bat-post) but then when I logged in things changed . On the home page I am presented with the ladies in my area who are online which is the same 8-12 people for years and years - but every now and then a new one pops in . Today is such a day . That always draws my eye , and this one was especially noteworthy because it was so obviously a "fake" . I mean there's some good looking folks on here but you can still pick out the ones that are a little too perfect you know ?

Anyway , I enjoy a good fake profile so I checked it out and the second line turned my world upside down .

"I am cleaver" it said . At that moment my life took a 90 degree turn and things will never be the same again .

"40 , clearly that's a robo-misspelling and it's supposed to read 'I am clever' you boob"

NO !

I am cleaver is what it says and what it is supposed to say .

And now I am left to ponder . What does it mean ?

Is it a reference to the John Wayne Cleaver series of books ? And if so in what way ? Is this person also saying they are a sociopath who lives up a strict code to avoid what they perceive as their fate of being a serial killer ? Sidenote the movie adaptation of "I Am Not a Serial Killer" is 92% on Rotten Tomatoes .

Is it a reference to A Perfect Circle and the song "Package" which is a desperate plea for help from someone hopeless addicted to drugs ? And if so what is that trying to tell us ? Is this person a sex addict and they're presence here is a terrible tragedy ? Or they are literally a drug addict and they're indicating they'll trade sex for drugs ?

Is it a reference to the Cleavers , the prototypical American family of Leave it to Beaver ? You know what's super creepy ? Saying something like "Good evening, Mrs. Cleaver. My, that's a pretty dress." Maybe that's just me . If it is a reference to the Cleavers is it a legit thing , I'm normal and all-American like them or is it some kind of subversion ? Is the punchline that the popularity of the Cleavers is based exactly on its perceived deviation from the real world ?

"I am cleaver" is that revealing something about this persons relationship with their father ? And how it has shaped their sexual behavior ? Much idealized as the archetypal swell Dad , the day-to-day burdens of fatherhood in fact overwhelmed Ward Cleaver . Rare was the episode in which he restrained his fury over his sons' misdeeds , often imagined . Can anyone doubt , the emotional damage his rantings and unfair accusations - his emotional abuse -must have done to the boys ?

Is "I am cleaver" a declaring of surviving said abuse ?

Is this person claiming to be me old pal Jimmy "Cleaver" Lever ? Did he transition into a very striking woman and also somehow de-age himself 20 years ? If so how did he do it ? And how does the United States Naval Construction Battalion of which he was a part feel about it ?

IF you could be 20 years younger but the process also reversed your gender would you do it ?

Is it a reference to Brother Lynch Hung and his part in the creation/popularization of the genre of horrorcore ? And if so is this person proclaiming their love for the genre or decrying it's use of violence against women as a form of entertainment ? Do they feel that horrorcore does some good by raising issues of mental health ?

Sidenote it's fun to watch documentaries from other countries about America - there was a British one a few years back that talked about how horrorcore was like a dominate force in American culture when in reality 97% of people have never heard of it . I got a good chuckle out of the posh British people being shocked that this is what America has become . Fun times .

The truth is that the meaning of "I am cleaver" will never be known and cannot be known .

Connect each pair of geometric vertices of an n-dimensional hypercube to obtain a complete graph on 2n vertices . Color each of the edges of this graph either red or blue . What is the smallest value of n for which every such coloring contains at least one single-colored complete subgraph on four coplanar vertices ?

This value is the same as "I am cleaver" , the human mind cannot comprehend .

One thing is for sure though - now , I am cleaver . I have always been cleaver . I shall always be cleaver .

Are you also cleaver friend ?
4 Comments
Sex in your early 20s
Posted:Sep 28, 2018 3:06 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2018 8:45 am
2849 Views

I was chatting with a lady friend of mine recently and she mentioned her few sexual experiences in college were not the best . She went on to speculate that the majority of college age sex was probably pretty bad due to the experience of the people involved . I was forced to admit I had never thought about this . But it also made me wonder , how much sex is really going on at that time in life ? I mean every college movie I've ever seen has everyone banging 247365 at 1000% but someone told me recently that movies are not a good way to formulate a worldview .

So the question is , between the ages of 18 and let's say 25 what was the deal ?

I considered adding a third element of gender to this because I suspect that dudes were having a grand old time in their early twenties and maybe the ladyfolk were not , but nah .
I had tons of sex and it was great !
I had tons of sex and it was weak ass
I had very little sex but when I did look out !
I had very little sex because it felt like aliens probing me
8 Comments , 34 votes
Ugliness = manliness
Posted:Sep 26, 2018 4:34 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2018 2:58 pm
3110 Views

The following states have never had a female governor –

Arkansas
California
Colorado
Florida
Georgia
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Maine
Maryland
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Nevada
New York
North Dakota
Pennsylvania
South Dakota
Tennessee
Virginia
West Virginia
Wisconsin

If your state is not on this list congratulations you are hero . If your state is on this list please move to a state that is not on the list as soon as possible . If you want to move to the great state of Iowa you can stay with me for a couple months until you find a place of your own.

An annoying person at work today was telling everyone with great authority what Hollywood hunks are secretly gay – Ryan Reynolds , Ryan Gosling , Jake Gyllenhall , Bradley Cooper , Channing Tatum , Zach Effron , Chris Hemsworth , etc. and one person who doesn’t understand how morons work said skeptically “how do you know they’re gay ?” to which they said “isn’t it obvious ?”

As I was raining blows down upon them something occurred to me – you never hear ugly male celebs being rumored as being secretly gay . I suppose the deal is that if you’re attractive the assumption (probably correctly) is that you care about your appearance which is clearly feminine and just as obviously a gay man is just a man being like a woman right ?

There’s definitely some kind of notion out there that being a gross monster is “manly” which is interesting . The theory must be that men and women are opposites and women are supposed to be uptight and proper and men therefore need to be farting barfing frat monsters .

Speaking of (not really) the other day a lady of my acquaintance asked me if I would let Matthew McConaughey blow me on his private jet and I said I wasn’t sure because I would be tempted to try and use that to blackmail him which would probably not turn out well . And she said “do you think anyone cares about that these days ?” After reflection , I do , because are there any out gay leading men in Hollywood ?

I can’t really think of any . Ian McKellen maybe but he’s not really a leading man . I don’t think he was out back in the day either . So yes , I do think that Matthew McConaughey would care if I was threatening to leak video of him giving me a blowjob on a private plane over a state that has never had a female governor . And not just because having sex with a blob like me would hurt his street cred .

I had dinner with some of my old cronies from my previous job and we were talking about RoboCop versus Terminator because that’s the kind of thing we talk about and someone said they had seen both movies as a kid and only remembered being scared by them .

RoboCop was pretty scary for a kid because right away the main good guy gets turned into hamburger by Red from That 70’s Show . Which is messed up to a ten year old kid . I remember the dude getting his hand shot off pretty vividly and being disturbed by it . Thinking about this I remembered that the other movie that disturbed me as a child was Darkman which also had the main good guy getting fucked up right away . Mostly what I remember about that is the bad guys repeatedly putting a plastic bag over his head and then taking it off right before he passed out/died .

Now , I watched all kinds of violent movies that were not age appropriate but I assume the reason these two bothered me specifically is because they were scenes where the good guy was helpless – and that probably made me think of all the times my various bully-gangs had me at their mercy and made me think about all the even worse stuff they could have been doing to me .

Why do I bring this up ? No reason really .

I was reading an article about sexual harassment today and it made the claim that most harassers don’t know what they’re doing is wrong . Do you believe that ?
6 Comments
Best of Both Worlds
Posted:Sep 21, 2018 6:18 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2018 5:02 pm
4228 Views

Best of Both Worlds , the season 3 finale/season 4 premiere of Star Trek the Next Generation is a pretty great piece of television . Some people say it's the best Tv show ever . Which it isn't , but it's pretty good .

What I didn't know though is the backstory behind it which is Patrick Stewart was in contract negotiations at the time so they wanted a story that gave them a way to write him off the show in case he deiced to play hardball and they couldn't work out a deal . Which explains the presence of Commander Shelby aka the only competent female character on the show . I always thought it was odd they'd bring in ANOTHER character on a show that already had too many characters for such a critical story arc but knowing what I now know it makes perfect sense . If Patrick Stewart bails Riker becomes Captain and Shelby is the new XO .

Which had to have been a little weird for the actress n'est-ce pas ? The deal is either you're going to be one of the main characters on a hit TV show or you're just going to become nothing and keep grinding away - all based on what Patrick Stewart decides to do with his life . I mean maybe she was cool with that but it seems like it kind of had to suck .

Did you know there's a website dedicated to the legal issues in Seinfeld episodes ? I didn't . My world is a little brighter now . Did you know that most states now allow for women to go topless in public as long as they're not doing it for commercial purposes ? Jane in the episode "the Hamptons" was doing nothing wrong . Learning !

I have a new best friend but she has a real problem with speaking in dating/sex site code - I have a hard time figuring out what she means a goodly portion of the time . What do you think these things are referring to ;

"experimenting with tofu" - According to the internet tofu can mean one of two things , either a slur against hetro white dudes (squishy , white and bad taste) or someone who's a personality mimic , I presume because tofu takes on the flavor of whatever is around it . I have to say it kind of warms my cockles that there's slurs against heterosexual dudes . Either way I suppose she was talking about some squishy white dude she was getting freaking with who may or may mimic the behavior of whatever people are around .

"officiating a wedding" - This one is tricky because I can find no special hidden meaning in the terms officiate nor wedding . I can only conclude that this is a reference of the infamous Red Wedding of Game of Thrones fame and it's a reference to some kind of dastardly undertaking .

"spreading the gospel at the grumpy goat" - So goat = Greatest of All Time , and who was one of the greatest who's also notoriously grumpy ? Kermit Washington . In addition to being great at basketball he was also great at embezzling half a million dollars from a children's charity . So clearly he needs to learn the lessons of the Gospel .

"crying on a pretzel" - This one is also puzzling . Someone said that the pretzel language is a penis reference but that can't be true unless she's into that crazy cock stuff which I sincerely hope is not true - although that would explain the crying . So maybe the "pretzel" is just a complicated issue and the crying is because of frustration ? Similar to "banging your head against a wall" . Or wait no , maybe it's "crying" in the sense of "crying wolf" and the pretzel is some kind of person ? Like you're snitching on someone maybe ? "Lil Nessa crossed into my turf so I had to cry on that pretzel" . That seems right .

"Celebrating April Fool's Day" - This one is easy , April Fool's is clearly a reference to the Second Punic War which resulted in Rome's rise to power in the Mediterranean . Which I guess is something you might want to celebrate . Maybe if you're from Rome ?

"Tackling the cake lady" - Seize the day ?

"Take the rock out" - Of your head maybe ? Like as it 'stop being dumb' ? Or is she saying she's going to take down Dwyane "the Rock" Johnson ? I guess he deserves it for cheating on his wife . And for being a shitty wrestler .
4 Comments
There's one thing that's true no matter where in the galaxy you go - sandwiches are good
Posted:Sep 19, 2018 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2018 5:40 pm
4801 Views

A while ago someone at work asked "does it smell like paint thinner in here to you ?" and I explained that I have a very poor sense of smell , which led to me telling the story (such as it is) of my sister shooting a bottle rocket up my nose .

And I realized for the FIRST time that this happened in the summer of '83 - the same year Return of the Jedi came out .

What's the significance there ? Much like Luke hitting the exhaust port on the Death Star to start the chain reaction to destroy it my sister hitting me IN the nose like that was a million to one shot .

Most people probably think that my sister pinned me down and jammed a bottle rocket in my nose and set it off but that's not so . We were running around playing with fireworks , as kids did in those days - it was a simpler time before rainbow parties and pill swapping - and I said something to her that made her mad (I don't recall what) and she fired said bottle rocket at me from maybe 17 feet away .

Being a sissy boy when I saw that she was firing at me I both ducked and spun away . Now I know what you're thinking , what the hell 40 , were you TRYING to get a bottle rocket up the ass ? First of all I was six you sick bastard and secondly I panicked - obviously the smart thing to do would have been to drop to the ground but it was an instinctual wussy reaction .

The point is the rocket came under my body/torso and right up the nose - which is a highly unlikely turn of events .

But 40 , you're taking about the first Star Wars movie that came out in 77 not Return of the Jedi .

Shut up , there's a connection still !

Did you know that David Cronenberg was one of the original choices to direct Return of the Jedi ? Wrap you mind about that folks . I kind of want to start working on a screenplay of what a Cronenberg Return of the Jedi would have been like . I mean who didn't walk out of Jedi saying "I wish that had been more like Dead Ringers" ? If they did they were time travelers fool because that movie didn't come out for another 5 years !

Anyway , Cronenberg Jedi - think about it .

I had a fairly disturbing dream the other night - an older fellow from work came to live with me as did a mentally challenged person I knew years ago . Oldy had a stoke and his freaked out mentally challenged dude who responded by beating the shit out of him while he was having a stroke . I tried to stop him but he was too strong . So I called 911 and three paramedics showed up , two of them started helping stroke guy and the other one tried to calm down mentally challenged guy but he flipped out again and started strangling her . Again I tried to stop him but couldn't . In the end all 3 paramedics were badly injured and I was trying to call 911 again while hiding from mentally challenged guy .

I suppose if you think dreams mean anything this is a manifestation of my attempts to help people by doing my job and how they're thwarted by the uncaring of others . But dreams don't mean anything .

Many years back I went to a football game with my buddy Floorboard and his GF and my buddy Camelback and his fiancée . As we were getting ready to go Camelback's fiancée says to Floorboard's GF "You look nice" and she said "thanks" and after a beat fiancée said "Usually when a girl tells another girl she looks nice they say it back" and GF said "But you're dressed like a boy" .

Things got real ugly after that .

Is that true ? If you're a woman and compliment one of your peers do you expect them to say it back ?

Have you seen any of the commercials for the new Magnum PI . It looks awful . Wait no , let me change that , it doesn't look very Magnum PI-y , it looks like generic action show # 17 . It actually looks kind of like an A-Team rip off to me more than anything .

Do TV show reboots ever work ? Knightrider sucked , Bionic Woman sucked , V sucked , Dallas sucked , Dynasty sucked , Heroes Reborn SUPER sucked , 90210 suck , Fuller House awful , MacGyver pukatronic , Odd Couple lame , Charlie's Angels garbage , etc.

The X-Files is okay but that's not really a reboot .

Generally there's a reason for this failure , although I have no theory on why the people making these shows can't figure it out .

Good news ! You've acquired the rights to remake that classic show you loved as a child . But hold on ; you watch the series again and you realize something. Shockingly , there's No Hugging , No Kissing - not even sexual tension or a gratuitous bikini shot . Well, that will never do , surely people only ever watch TV for the sex , right ? And what'll keep the parents entertained ? There's only one thing for it : you'll have to make it younger and hotter .

Firstly , all female characters get stripperiffic outfits , while all men get one shirtless scene after another . Then add some "Witty Banter" between the lead characters about penis size , some bow-chicka-bow-wow , a "manly" hero and a chaste sidekick who's a stupid and innocent virgin , a Ms. Fanservice with gag boobs and no nudity taboo . Heck , why not go all the way and chuck everyone in bed together and say it's just you making the series more mature ?

Unsurprisingly , fans tend to dislike these remakes for several reasons . Firstly , these are characters that people have cherished since childhood and it can be very disturbing to see them suddenly start making masturbation jokes . Secondly , some people feel awkward about blatant innuendos , especially when they are so blatant that the clean meaning is harder to find than the dirty one . Third it can seem insulting to both the viewers and to the franchise . It seems to be saying both that "Viewers Are Morons—they won't watch a show unless it has sex in it !" and "this show is so terrible that if we don't chuck some cheap titillation in , no one will watch it !" Finally, given that the sex is effectively added as an afterthought , it can often feel badly taped on .
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