Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
Blogs > > My Blog |
Member Deleted Post
Member Deleted Post This post has been deleted by |
|||
|
Two comments: One, I will guess that the friction you describe from your sister: "upset over how you talk to my nephew/(her son)" . . . may have more to do with your relationship with your sister than to your interactions with the toddler. 3 of the people you mention in your post are family - your Mother, your sister and your nephew. You don't get to choose your family, as the old adage goes. But you do get to choose how you treat them. So long as you share a roof with your sister, work harder on being kind to her. She has the added stress of being a Mother of a toddler (no joke that) and being married to a man who you describe as having some issues of his own. Second thing is that your nephew is less than 2 years old. That's a difficult age. Maybe the reason why they call it "The terrible two's". YOU are the adult in the Aunt/nephew relationship. Have some compassion for a little person who probably needs love a lot more than he needs discipline. At my gym last evening, a young Father brought his 2-year-old son into the locker-room to change him out of his swim-suit. The kid wanted to swim longer and was screaming his head off and behaving very badly . . . trying to hit and kick his Father while he continued alternating sobbing and shrieking. I was (internally) pretty irritated because why the fuck bring a kid into the men's locker room to begin with. But watching the Dad struggle to calm his son down, I thought back 20-plus years to when I was in his shoes. I caught the Dad's eye; smiled at him and said "The good news is that they DO grow up eventually." Pretty clear that the poor guy felt embarrassed and stressed over his son's acting-out. No point piling on. Because . . . well, 2 years old. Eventually - perhaps soon - you will find a better living situation for yourself. But until then, be kind to your sister and love the little guy. He can't help being 2. Show him some attention when you can manage - read to him; offer to give him his bath or to watch him so his Mother can have some "me time" of her own. I predict those steps - not easy, but not really costing you much either - will improve your relationships with all three of nephew, sister and your Mother. Hang in there. Everyone else has a hard road to walk as well. Be kind to them, ya.
| ||
6/3/2018 10:58 pm |
I have a spare room, literally empty with a bed in it and not much else, but I am impractically far. Beyond that, no it feels like they are trying to push you to the point that you either leave of your own accord or get forced out without a place to really go Not the Whole Truth but the truth that I can see.
| ||
|
You may be the only ally that your nephew has.You're right though It is their house and as a guest you may just have to find a way to deal with it the best you can until you can find an alternative. Going the homeless route isn't the best idea.I don't know if you are working or are looking for work.Being able to make yourself scarce during the most stressful times like when everyones home and milling about when the chaos is at its peak.The library was always a place where it was quiet with plenty of things of interest and most have hours into the evening.My little brother used it three or four times a day just to avoid my mom at home nagging him about looking for work. He did it for a couple of months and no one ever asked why he was there as much as he was. It may sound silly but It's just a thought They were nice enough to help you out.Take advantage of it in ways to lessen your stress and work on resolving some of the issues you have with your sister. You may be at the end of your rope with what's happening right now but just throwing in the towel and leaving and not having a place to shower or sleep safely at night.Will make it that much harder to rebound. I'm probably the last person you would take any advice from but you did ask and I sincerely hope you are able to rise above this and put it behind you for good. Peace! Using more than all the road!
| ||
|
I have zero advice unfortunately. Well no... I have a little advice and that's don't bail (or be goaded into bailing) without a place to go. I realize airbnb sounds kind of ah... bougie, but from traveling a lot, I've been surprised at how many people treat it as a temporary roommate kind of service. Don't know if you've tried that.
| ||
|
I have a 1/2 sis, she had 6 kids, all boys. One, the 5th, is almost a carbon copy of Me in looks, as well as his early personality. When he was about 5 yrs old, I visited her home, while on vacation. My 1st wife was with me. Now, neither of us had kids, but we had lotsa time with our 1st god-daughter by then, so we thought we knew about raising kids. Maybe we did, maybe we didnt. So I am looking at the sunday paper, I ask nephew #5 if wants to read the comics with me. He was eager to do something with me, as his older bros tended to ignore him, baby bro was only 2&1/2 at the time, and Dad, well, he imitated the attitude that the less seen and heard a child was, the better! We looked at a few that only had pics & minimal dialogue, and he was having a hard time even understanding those, much less anything that called for READING ! I asked him what he did in school, he had just finished his 2nd yr of pre-school then, so I assumed he was reading some. His mom jumped in, NO, he is NOT reading yet, and NO, she didnt WANT him reading yet, because it would put him ahaead of kids his age in school and THAT would cause him probs ! Now I was reading before I was 3, and so was she ! I argued with her that it couldnt hurt him to learn to read, since in the fall he would be starting 1st grade, and she said NO, that he was going to a year of kindergarten first, and would start 1st grade a year late! Upshot of all this is I THOUGHT I knew about raising kids, and it turned out out I was RIGHT in this case, as he lagged behind kids his own age all the way to adulthood, in trouble, in & out of school after school, until my sis, his MOM, had to home school him, and his baby bro. Which further screwed up both of them, as they failed to learn how to socialize with their peers. So my Sis, even tho having raised 4 earlier kids, managed to screw up the last 2 royally, prob not intentionally, but to this day both of those kids have social issues that go back to childhood! So, I cant say you did wrong by "helping" with your nephew, I prob would have done the same thing myself, but coming tween a mom & child is a perilous thing, wheter you are right or wrong, and best done if at all outta sight & knowledge of mom ! My aunt lived with me as a kid, was a huge influence on me, taught me values & skills I never learned from my Mom, but she KNEW, to always caution me to not let on to my Mom, her sister, that she was guiding me! I thank heaven she was in my life, and I could have learned much more I suspect, but she walked that fine line tween aunt & momhood, just as you will need to do. Your living sit is a pain I am sure, but always rememeber, YOU are the guest now, and any mistakes you make now may well follow you with your family forever. I hope this helps with some insight. Be well, tread carefully!
| ||
|
lady-Jayne, i have to agree with tickle up above; don't leave or let them make you feel like you have to leave before you have found a solid place to go to. i understand that mom's may not be the ideal place for now but for now make due. and i have found that the best way to do that is keep a low profile, find a neutral place to be outside the home and of course, be respectful with all the simple, common, usual manners; please, thank you, hi, hello, good-bye; don't break your back, just use them when the situation calls for it. and then escape to the safety of your room and look into a another living arrangement in the meantime. i don't see where you said anything wrong to him when he was cryin' about granny being too busy. and as far as the kid goes, the kid has parents. and one thing i've learned is that most parents HATE when someone comes along and tries to 'discipline' their kid in any way, shape or form. let your nephew's parents parent him in any way they see fit, wash your hands of that one, lady-jayne. yes, you're the auntie, but i would stay in my lane until either the parents asked or the kid specifically comes to you in need of 'help' in some way. you know adults are fucked up but it isn't worth putting yourself out there just to have someone shit on the concern you show for the little dude. the situation doesn't have to turn into anything volatile. mom has let you know your sister is upset and now that you know, you pump the brakes way down, say sorry, shift gears and let your sister and bro-in-law deal with the joy and pain of parenthood.
| ||
|
We've had to deal with similar family dynamics on both sides of the family. Here's what we've learned: The problem is never the problem. In other words, whatever problem is immediately in front of you, there is years worth of baggage, dysfunction, resentment, mental illness, and past abuse behind it all. That's a rat's nest of issues to have to unpack. That can't be fixed until people are psychologically ready to deal with their issues. That's more than can be handled by you. There aren't any quick pop psychology tricks that can be applied. Many never work out their issues. They can't. They just don't have the tools to. Here's thing, and it may be a bit of a tough pill to have to swallow ... their problem is not your problem. Parents have to answer before God for how they raise their children, and thus have the God-given responsibility to do so. That doesn't fall to you, even though you're family. You tried to help. You offered help. That speaks well of you and your character. But you were rebuffed. You've fulfilled your obligation, and there's nothing left but to respect their parental decision (no matter how bad of a decision that may be on their part). It's hard, but it is necessary. You're not the one failing those kids, you tried and you did your part, but that was emphatically taken away away from you. You bear no more guilt. It's hard when it's family. But there's just no other way. All I can say is, as they grow up try to signal to them "We know, we all see how bad it is for you, we tried to help but weren't allowed to." Let them know they're not alone in their suffering. That was the best we were able to manage in our family, and it did help mitigate a lot of long term issues. The kids are still damaged, but not as bad as they might otherwise have been. Here's where the news gets even worse ... even if you step back and stay out of their way, they'll still find fault with you. There's too much unresolved baggage to hold out hope of better prospects. You can't just keep your head down and stay out of trouble, as they'll invent trouble if there is none. You're in a bad situation that will probably never improve so long as you're living there regardless of how "in the right" you ever are. As such, I would suggest changing the focus to keeping the peace instead of being right. Since being right will never matter to them regardless, might as well have peace. I feel for you and hope things improve.
|
Become a member to create a blog