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| Blogs > wickedeasy > wicked and that ain't so easy |
star light, star bright
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star light, star bright sunday is the day that i visit my in prison. today i won't be able to because the patriots are playing at home and you can't get near the place for the traffic. we've talked on the phone already and he''s settling in with the guys to watch the game. they've cooked enough food to feed 20 and only have to feed 10. i sent a check earlier to support the event.not everyone has someone on the outside who still keeps in touch. he has about 18 more months inside. the last few times i've visited we've talked about how it feels to be inside. this is new. for the last three years, we've avoided discussing feelings as he walked the very narrow line of surviving an experience i can't even imagine and done it without compromising his sobriety or getting lugged, or doing hole time. he's managed himself with integrity, is well respected and has a quietness about him that reads very differently from the boy that walked into prison filled with rage and fear. still, a toil has been taken. pieces of his soul have been lost and a shell has been grown...in order to survive, simply survive the noise, the chaos, the constant demeaning. there is no way you can be a man in prison...not truly. so you find ways to be a man that may seem ridiculous to those of us outside the wire. but inside, they make sense. one of the guards told me that my needed to stay away from XX who is a CO on a certain block. he didn't say why...but i gave my the information and he knew the guard who passed it on and nodded to him. this was a man to man communication. done without anything but a nod. i watch all of this and worry. i never eat on sundays before i go to see him. i can't. but once i see him and touch him, i am ravenous and eat chips and candy from the vending machine like a crazy woman. he doesn't tell his dad the things he tells me. they talk sports and stuff. we talk feelings. i want him out of there and yet, since he's been in jail, i've slept. i know where he is. i don't have to worry about the sound of a police car on my street. the worst that can happen has already happened. what will it be like when he comes home? i miss the noise of him in our house. his laughter. hey ma. oh i am so afraid and so hopeful. he seems to have become a man. is this man someone who will be able to live in a world without razor wire? my ....will he be the phoenix? this is what i pray, every night, on every first star. You cannot conceive the many without the one. |
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With your love and support may his transition to the outside be uneventful as he makes his way forward with few difficulties.
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Ah, hard lines, hard lines... one of my friends' sons just went to prison; she spoke of the same mix of sadness, grief, and relief. She knows where he is, knows he's relatively safe for the time, she sleeps better. It doesn't ease the pain. The guilt. The shame. The fear of what can happen to him inside, and the changes that *do* happen. May it be well, with you and with yours...
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Ya know, we... Growing up in prison does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can be a bit more psychologically destructive (in some ways--not in others, though)... but, other than for certain issues, it isn't really too different than growing up in the military. Both can make a man out of a boy. In any case, either will make a boy see the world quite differently than someone who has not experienced either. I would caution you against questioning his stay--the details of it, that is. If he chooses to remain silent regarding those things, once he's out... it would be wise to let that silence speak for itself. There are even a rare few vets left who still can't speak of their time in theater during WWII--many others clear on up through Afghanistan. War in theater, or war in prison--there ain't any significant differences. Both tend to liberate the darkness which normally lays dormant within all men's spirits. Some men embrace that darkness--most manage to survive it. Still others fight against it throughout their lives. If he grew up in there, take that as your gift--his, as well--from God. Know what I mean? Solar...
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You are there for him and support him, which is much much more than many other men have who have been through this experience. And that's all you can do - love him and support him and hope that he'll turn things around when he gets out.  
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As I used to teach in Co-dependancy classes: You have your tools, now you must learn how to use them.
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I hope he comes home soon so your aching heart can be at rest. Prayers for your continued strength.
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9/27/2010 12:07 pm |
I think you are brave, we. Your son has seen this strength in you, your belief and love for him, and this helps make him strong, too. I'm glad he is able to share with you those things that might be troubling him, and I think it shows how much he respects you, because he knows that he can trust you to react with love and support no matter what. tight hugs, we. ce  "All you'll get from strangers is surface pleasantry or indifference. Only someone who loves you will criticize you." - Judith Crist, crack film critic
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15 years ago, a friend's son in California ran afoul of the 3-strikes law; he went to prison for what should have been a misdemenor probation. OK, he went, and served much of his time in Susanville (northern Ca). Now he is a hubby, father of three and runs a remodeling business that feeds and cares for them all. I know his Mom & Dad struggled with the fear and worry when he went in, and when he came out worried that he'd go back to his old ways. He did not! I wish you both well, WE. hugs chas
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11/9/2019 4:51 pm |
They may imprison the body, but they can /\/ever control the (\/)ind/Spirit Spirit is his inner strength, and nothing in the Universe can hold it. Go within, for what can keep You from that, doesn't not exist. The brain is divided, but the (\/)ind is Whole, take*z 2 to make 1 Whole. ][ wish ][ could better work with (\/)y diligence, ][ ]-\\m guilty of lacking.  All (\/)y Best,  Blessing*z upon Y U
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