Too Much to Ask For
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Posted:Jun 6, 2019 7:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2024 8:37 am
2829 Views
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You deserve a lover who wants you disheveled, with everything and all the reasons wake you up in a haste and the demons won’t let you sleep.
You deserve a lover who makes you feel safe, who can consume this world whole if he walks hand in hand with you; someone who believes his embraces are a perfect match with your skin.
You deserve a lover who wants to dance with you, who goes to paradise every time he looks into your eyes and never gets tired of studying your expressions.
You deserve a lover who listens when you sing, who supports you when you feel shame and respects your freedom; who flies with you and isn’t afraid to fall.
You deserve a lover who takes away the lies and brings you hope, coffee, and poetry.
Frida Kahlo
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You Can't Always Get What You Want
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Posted:Sep 17, 2017 7:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2018 11:24 pm
7641 Views
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For A.S.
I've always had trouble asking for anything, particularly in my relationships. I grew up believing that I couldn't have any needs. Actually, more specifically that I could have needs but they'd never be met, which translated into the belief that having needs is bad. My parents never beat me, we always had food in the house, hot water and electricity were plentiful: hell, we were even a churchgoing family.
But my mother was an addict, my stepfather a workaholic and my biological father bailed when he saw how close my brother and I had grown to the new man in our mom's life. It was easier to concede his role than to stay and watch another man love his , I suppose. My younger brother came along when I was eight, my sister when I was nine and when my parents' relationship began to fracture under the pressure of young , financial hardship, work schedules and good old-fashioned dysfunction from their own childhoods, my mom dove headfirst into her addiction and my stepfather into work and the first of many side businesses he ran in an effort to drum up more money. It fell to me as the oldest to look out for my siblings at the age of nine years old. My brother and I were coming home from school, ages 8 and 7, as latchkey . Then when I turned nine, things shifted. One of my parents would come home from work with my younger siblings, then they would both head out either for work, business meetings or in my mom's case, god knows where. I would make dinner, bathe my younger siblings, put them to bed and then I would stay up, usually watching television until I got tired enough for sleep or my dad would come home, ready for dinner and I'd play the good, little surrogate wife and listen to how his day went, sometimes commiserating on the whereabouts of my mother and what she was supposed to be doing.
So, as you can imagine, I have abandonment issues. It only stands to reason that my father abandoned me, my mother essentially abandoned me, even when she was home she really wasn't there, at least not emotionally or mentally. My stepfather was busy, there was always something more important than us. I learned to take care of myself and then others, I was valued for what I could do for others. I never knew unconditional love. And I learned to make myself small and quiet, so that I didn't have any needs. Yeah, you can imagine how fucked up I came to be.
I picked a lot of wrong people. Boyfriends and girlfriends who needed me, some took advantage of my generous nature and others preyed on my low self-esteem and I allowed them to treat me like the worthless person I believed myself to be. But ever so slowly, through break after break, I picked myself up and put myself back together. Each time, I thought the pain would kill me. I did, in fact, try to do that job myself a few times. But I moved through the pain, past the pain and now when the pain comes up, when strong, uncomfortable feelings creep up, I no longer try to escape, I've learned that running away isn't a solution. If I sit with it long enough and make friends with it, I find the hurt little girl buried beneath all that pain. I listen to her words that were never spoken, never heard. I tend to her wounds and kiss them the way my mother should have. I comfort her and dry the tears she never let anyone see. And the pain never kills me. It just needs to be seen and heard and felt. Then it heals. And after so many breaks and all the putting myself back together, I think I've become more beautiful than I thought possible.
The ace in my pocket, that nearly no one else ever gets, is this: my mother got better. Not only that, when she became a grandmother, my siblings and I got the privilege of seeing her become the mother she should have been. And when I was thirty-three years old and trudging through the shitty minefield of my childhood with the help of my therapist, my mother apologized for everything I went through as a . And there as a grown woman, a wife, mother of a five-year-old myself, I finally got the unconditional love I'd yearned for my entire life.
And now when I ask for something, anything from anyone in my life, I celebrate it! If I am told 'no', it's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean I'm unlovable or unworthy, it's just a word. If I get a 'yes', wow! It usually takes me a while to ask for anything from anyone in my life. When I first meet someone, I wouldn't normally dream of asking anything of someone new. So, that being said....
I started having car trouble on the way to meet a new potential partner for brunch this past Friday. I had to have my Jeep towed to our mechanic and found myself stranded just a few blocks from the restaurant but also without a ride home. Without even really thinking about it, I asked Andrew if he might be able to pick me up, my car had broken down, yada yada yada. I got an 'of course, give me the address' reply. And I didn't even realize that I'd asked for help with thinking about it or that I felt so comfortable with this new friend that I asked for help so effortlessly. I didn't realize it until early this morning.
And of course, he insisted on driving me home after our date. 🙂
Yeah, so you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.
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Lying Liars Who Lie Through Their Lying Holes
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Posted:Sep 17, 2017 11:29 am
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2017 7:47 pm
7405 Views
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Just had to share something that my work husband shared with me this morning. He's on every dating/booty call app out there and so he can relate to stories of meeting flakes and liars. I think I have a number of men that can attest to the fact that I look like my pictures...I think 😝
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Everyday Life
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Posted:Jun 14, 2017 11:19 pm
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2017 11:20 pm
7359 Views
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I broke someone's cherry last week. He'd never been with a Latina before. I was his first. I think I rocked his world. After he went down on me and made me squirt til I soaked through the comforter and sheets (should have put down the mattress cover!), after more foreplay and lots of kissing, after going down on him and listening to his groans, he begged me to let him fuck me. I'd say that's a pretty good gauge of success.
Then I had a series of flakes that really tested my faith in humanity. Actually, I don't have a lot of faith in anything when I'm meeting someone for the first time. You never know what they lied about or hid during chat.
I did meet one guy and just didn't feel a spark. Luckily he took the news well and appreciated my honesty.
I saw the "towel guy at the door" again today. We always seem to run into each other on the IM, get to chatting, turn each other on, video chat on Kik, get off, make plans and talk about getting together but for some reason or another it doesn't pan out. Today we made it happen. And it was fucking incredible again. More like a quickie but I knew it would be better than most. It's so intoxicating having such a powerful effect on someone when merely touching them or going down on them. It's intense having chemistry this explosive with someone I barely know. It doesn't usually happen for me, at least not this intensely. And to be able to give a quick hug and walk away with no heavy emotional entanglements is completely liberating. It sure made for a happy hump day.
I've got plans to meet two more guys next week. "J" will be in town Tuesday and Wednesday nights. We chatted almost all night about two weeks ago and drove each other crazy. I've been looking forward to meeting him since that night. "E" is a bit younger but abso-fucking-lutely adorable and totally hot and such a sweetie. Breakfast plans next Friday and we shall see.
I start my new position Monday. My schedule promises to be grueling but I'm excited to start a new chapter. Though I've been interning in the same position all year, this is a new beginning, my career. I love what I do, I'm finally getting paid to do it and I'm told that I'm good. My patients are always happy to sit and talk to me and allow me to help them in the best way that I can.
Happy Father's Day weekend to all the dads out there. Fuck a father, it's the least you can do!
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Hot Thoughts
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Posted:Jun 4, 2017 10:13 pm
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2024 8:37 am
8028 Views
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You know how you meet someone online and talk about all of the things you're going to do to each other for a while: days maybe weeks even months or years (if they live out of state or country) pass before you ever meet? Then you finally meet and things fizzle, there's just no chemistry or you do fuck and it's meh. Or maybe you never meet up and it's just one of those fantasies that live on in your mind.
Well last night I met one of those where it felt like weeks that we've been talking about how we're going to do crazy things we've never done with anyone else. Getting each other off day after day with the details and dares and utter debauchery via Kik or IM. Well it certainly didn't fizzle, it wasn't meh and the chemistry was off the charts.
It started with a fantasy that consisted of me watching him get off in person, not just via cam or video clips he liked to send to me. I could tell he was shy from his reaction to my boldness when I told him how often I came on the site to watch men's cams, not only that I'd actually watched a few men get off in
person and thoroughly enjoyed myself as well. I suspected fairly early on in our chats that I wasn't his type, whatever that means. He later admitted he'd never been with a BBW before but that we clicked so well in chat and during our brief time on cam that if I was as cute as my pictures showed, we'd have a lot of fun once we did meet.
The fantasy progressed to include me dominating a little which is out of character for me but I'm stretching my comfort zones so I went with it. I was going to make him strip while I stayed fully clothed and torture him a bit, not touching him but letting him get so turned on that his hard-on arrived without a single touch. Then I'd instruct him to masturbate, only cumming when I said it was ok. Eventually it progressed to include sex, me on top with him fucking me with just the tip of his cock, teasing my pussy with it.
Then came his suggestion that I dare him to answer the front door in nothing but a towel. I'd answered the door naked for a former lover but never had a guy answer the front door naked. I especially loved how thrilled he was at the idea and how much he grappled with whether to do it or not right before we actually met.
A kiss as a greeting at the front door was the next part of the fantasy. We'd never met in person before. The thought of kissing first thing was tantalizing. We tentatively made plans that fell through but solidified my arrival at his house the following night. The anticipation was high.
Now I'll admit, my favorite part of this whole scenario was that I was going to knock on the front door, so I liked to send a little 'knock knock' Kik or IM his way to tease every so often. It got him going every time and I loved it.
The day of our meeting I arrived a tad late. I don't like to be early, it gives me too much time to think and possibly flake which I've never actually done. I slowly approached the front door, despite my boldness I am always nervous. I raised my hand and paused, deep breath then 'knock knock knock.'
Do you believe that fucker answered the door in a towel and nothing more!
We laughed nervously and exchanged a few quick words but he pulled me against him and kissed me intensely. My pussy immediately started to ache and I could feel the wetness escape my lips before we even pulled away.
We relaxed and actually talked for a while. We were both nervous and my lack of dominance got the better of me, his shyness him. I moved closer and closer to him, finally leaning closer, showing off some cleavage that I knew would get his attention.
And it began. Hot, deep kissing. Roaming hands. Soft wet aching spots. Soft steel. Moaning and gasping then yelling and whimpering and dirty words and 'oh fuck baby.'
I must say my favorite part of the evening was when he was getting me going for the second round, stroking his perfect cock for me, telling me how hot it would be if I made myself cum right there next to him. Then he stuck the tip of his cock inside me and demanded I cum on it and only after I came on it would he oblige and fuck me with the entire length. I made him promise and as I came I begged him to fuck me. And with the first, second and third strokes, I felt myself gush over and over as he slammed himself right against my Gspot.
It's been over a year since I've been with anyone besides my man. We took a break from polyamory and wore the monogamy for a while, which was nice. I always miss the new experiences with new partners though, getting to know one another and discovering sweet spots and building that connection. Besides the sex itself, we had an amazing time just being. Hanging out in one another's company, no pressure, no expectations, just enjoying the company and possibilities with a new sexual partner.
If that makes me a slut, I am one happy, fucking slut!
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Awakening the Beast Within
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Posted:Jun 1, 2017 8:14 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2017 10:13 pm
7938 Views
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I've been thinking that I should probably bring some levity to this space. I mean those last two posts were basically everything that's been swimming up in my head for the last few months. And no one can live only in my head, not even me! So I thought I'd share my sexual awakening here since it was so life-changing for me.
Once upon a time, I was married to an ogre. No seriously if I could post a picture here you'd think he looked like a Mexican Shrek. And I'm not ashamed to admit that minus the green skin and a few ogre features, I resemble Fiona. She's a badass. Anyway I digress...
I met my 's father during a bad time in my life. I was on a serious rebound and on the hunt for the absolute complete opposite of my previous love, what I believed was the love of my life. My 's father, let's call him 'M', crashed into my life, charmed the pants off of me and proceeded to rapidly impregnate me. It was seriously my own fault. I failed to use a second round of birth control when we went again immediately after finishing our first round of "I-don't-know-you-yet-so-I-can't-get-enough-of-you" sex. We'd been together hardly a month. When the plus sign showed up on the test, we discussed our options and decided to give it a go and try doing the family thing together.
Unfortunately he wasn't very mature for almost 40 and I wasn't yet good at leaving what is no good for me and going after what I want. So fast forward ten years and I'm miserable. Overworked, overstressed, out of love, taking care of everyone but myself and to top it off weighing over 300 pounds so basically killing myself slowly. I got so stressed that I became physically ill and suddenly noticed my clothes were starting to hang off of me and when I weighed myself, I had lost 25 pounds effortlessly. So I took it as a diving off point and started walking, eating vegetarian; but caring for myself meant seeing all the dysfunction in my marriage and what I didn't have: a partnership, peace, love, sex and passion for my partner. We separated then divorced and I felt reborn.
One of the first things I did when the weight loss started was join Meelp. Because of my ex-husband's sexual dysfunction, I'd shut down my sex drive because I just didn't have the means or even motivation to have an affair. Suddenly, I was getting attention from men and I was feeling frisky again after years of feeling dead inside. I met a few someones who rocked the shit out of my world and showed me how alive I really was. I've always been highly responsive and I've been told that the fact that I can orgasm through vaginal penetration alone is not all that common. But I was introduced to my G-spot, I gushed for the first time, and I started having multiple orgasms. Talk about feeling reborn.
There is nothing like some sincere and passionate care and attention and a good old-fashioned orgasm to help a woman feel alive again.
I was talking to the wonderfully charming and inimitably sexy James last night. All night long. There was the back and forth of sneaking him into my house while the bf and the slept (didn't happen, can't happen), let's meet at the 7-11 off the freeway and fool around like teenagers in the parking lot (felt too desperate and very unspecial for what we're sure will be incredibly hot sex). We Kik'd for a bit, then chatted for a very long, torturous while, sighing into our phones, giggling, being polite and then oh-so impolite. It was delicious. The only way it could have been better is if we'd been doing it in person. Which we're hoping to make happen next week. That, my friends, is how to remind yourself that you're still alive.
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The End All, Be All
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Posted:May 24, 2017 3:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2024 8:37 am
7715 Views
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In a traditional paired relationship, are both parties expected to take care of all of the needs of the other? I know that friendships serve their purpose separate from the primary relationship, but we wear so many different hats in our marriages or partnerships: lover, friend, provider, homemaker, parent, is it realistic to expect us to meet all of those needs for each other a majority of the time? Traditionally, many of us were raised with those expectations of marriage or partnership as well as the notion that seeking to have your needs met, be that emotional, mental or sexual, outside of your primary relationship is wrong, whether your primary partner is aware or not.
I'm fighting in my head the notion that my current SO has to be the person fulfilling all of my emotional, spiritual and sexual needs. More specifically, he feels he needs to be the person fulfilling all of those needs and that there is something "wrong" if he is not. He worries he is "not enough" is what he has told me and wonders why I need more than he can give and why I want to seek sexual connections with others while still staying invested in my relationship with him. He isn't actively seeking to fuck anyone else currently, he doesn't feel the need, he doesn't feel the drive and frankly, he doesn't have the time or energy. He doesn't understand that in giving to others I am not taking from him. Unfortunately there are issues of his to work through that are not mine yet I have to work with him if I want to continue to nurture this partnership of ours.
My background is in the mental health field and so it's easy to pathologize everything that comes up. It's taken me years to just allow what is to be in my own life, I can't figure it out for someone else. I've found he is more understanding and relaxes when I explain that the sex I have with others is what it is and nothing more, I approach each connection that I make with openness and whatever happens happens. I believe it's possible to share intimacy without falling in love. And what's wrong with falling in love for love's sake anyway? I am not seeking to break up my primary relationship but simply to enhance it and support it. I am not seeking to break up anyone else's relationship. What if, like one of the authors of The Ethical Slut, we "made sure to be affectionate, let people know what (we) loved about them...most would find a way to be comfortable with (us) without needing to be territorial", doesn't that stand to reason?
I don't share details about any experiences with my SO. He knows if I'm talking with anyone and I always check in when I'm meeting someone, especially for the first time. I've had a number of first "dates" recently since I've just jumped back in the pool. I think there is this fear of the unknown when it comes to opening up a relationship. There is a hunger for details: what did he look like, was he taller than me, bigger than me, what does he do, did he kiss you, did he touch you...all things I would be curious about myself if the roles were reversed. I'm reminded of a question given to me by a friend who is more experienced in the poly world: "tell me if I have anything to be worried about." There are rules laid out, there is communication between all parties, if either of those have been broken or jeopardized then it's time to be worried.
So I powder my nose and touch up my lipstick and offer a kiss before I leave. If he's feeling insecure, I get the question: "tell me if I have anything to be worried about." The answer is always "no, my love. you have my heart first and foremost."
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