Getting some...religion
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Posted:Apr 11, 2017 4:32 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2017 5:22 pm
4928 Views
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Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 . After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more . A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
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For a friend...
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 6:54 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2017 4:24 pm
4953 Views
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I have a special friend who will like this one.
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse? A: She's the one with the dirty knees.
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Jizzneyland
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Posted:Apr 7, 2017 4:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2017 6:49 pm
6178 Views
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And back to the Urban Dictionary.
Jizzneyland
When a city or town specifically zones an area for "adult" businesses.
"Did you know that the City Council voted on the Jizzneyland zone last night? I'm not sure if 70 acres near a residential neighborhood is going to be enough.
I'm going to be offline for the weekend I'll look in Sunday night. Prof
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2
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Who knew?
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Posted:Apr 6, 2017 4:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2017 6:48 pm
6438 Views
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Who knew that Pinterest has sex quotes? So much more helpful than turning a pallet into a three stall hamster garage.
"Let's settle this argument like adult; naked, in the bedroom."
"I hope your day is as nice as your butt."
"Overworked and under fucked."
"Want to come over and watch some porn on my flat screen mirror?"
"I kinda wish you were touching me inappropriately right now."
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3
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Just as I feared...
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Posted:Apr 5, 2017 4:32 am
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2017 4:19 am
6494 Views
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I've noticed something about the many, kind and generous, members who comment in my blog. There isn't anyone local, no one nearby.
Perhaps its just as I feared, I'm funnier and better looking from a distance.
Sigh.
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And on that porno theme...
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Posted:Apr 4, 2017 4:46 am
Last Updated:Apr 4, 2017 3:13 pm
5378 Views
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Next time you're having sex with your significant other, stop right in the middle of it. When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this in a porno once. It's called buffering."
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But you showed me...
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Posted:Apr 3, 2017 3:53 am
Last Updated:Apr 4, 2017 4:49 am
5430 Views
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I recall my first time with a condom. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
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3
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Too much work
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Posted:Apr 1, 2017 4:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2017 8:52 pm
5305 Views
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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
I'm in the middle of a 12 day stretch at work without a break, again. Most days 12 plus hours again. I'm really hoping that it is spring like outside when this patch is done. Raking and bicycling is sounding really good right not.
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Just like in the movies?
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Posted:Mar 31, 2017 3:36 am
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2017 3:38 am
6866 Views
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A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"
The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?'
So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jack-hammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."
The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?
"Turns out we watch different movies."
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5
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Always a solution
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Posted:Mar 30, 2017 3:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2017 6:24 pm
5433 Views
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A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.
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Southern boy at heart
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Posted:Mar 29, 2017 4:10 am
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2017 3:15 am
5474 Views
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Let me touch these titties, Let me kiss this sexy mouth. Let me lie with you in bed, Gently gently going south.
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Want a quickie?
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Posted:Mar 28, 2017 7:35 pm
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2017 3:15 am
5151 Views
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Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Prof: "Sigh"
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She's just trying to be helpful
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Posted:Mar 28, 2017 4:27 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2017 7:32 pm
4532 Views
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A man asks his wife on their 25 marriage anniversary, 'Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?"
"Yes, honey, three times."
"When was the first time?"
"Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you."
"Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?"
"Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to do the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?"
"Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?"
"Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?"
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