Funny Jokes #5  

RobRoy2012 58M  
0 posts
7/9/2016 8:34 am
Funny Jokes #5


Same disclaimer as the first jokes post.
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[Funny true story]
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

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[Funny true story]
An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express, was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gasman blinked, excused himself and departed.

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The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section, which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

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The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts... is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and asking "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls... is coming home late after a night out with the guys, with lipstick on your collar, smelling of perfume & beer, and slapping your wife on the ass and saying "You're next!"

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When is it perfectly acceptable to kick a midget's ass? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and says "I like the smell of your hair."

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