Conversing with the Divine
 
Come on, it shouldn't be this friggin hard talking to a girl!

The Art of Conversation is an inherently necessary skill to be successful here. So let's start learning it.

This isn't about man bashing. This is about ditching the boring and lame attempts at seduction and start having the conversations that are wild, fun, and lively so you can get a successful seduction

When men start having better conversations, we ALL win.
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Conversational Autopilot
Posted:Feb 27, 2017 8:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2018 9:55 am
4047 Views




Most conversation here is repetitious and predictable. Snap her out of that trance of dealing with the same conversations over and over again.





In men’s fantasies, we’re sitting here in our lingerie lusting over pics of your dick and begging to have that thing in side us. With our trusty vibrators in hand, we’re so gushing wet that it’ll take a mop to clean up the mess.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be in that state more often. Too bad life just doesn’t work like that.

The reality is that I’m probably in my less-than-sexy sleepwear – pajama pants, a worn-too-many-times t shirt, robe, hair scarf, panties with holes in it, no bra (no, not a good look for big girls like me). I’m online checking in on my various social media outlets of choice. I’m likely folding laundry or doing some other mundane chore with my tablet on.

I will often accept a chat invitation or two to spice things up a bit. Honestly, I’ll never meet anyone for sex. I’m a happily married woman. But that won’t stop men from trying. I’ll admit, I enjoy the attention.

I’m in a near hypnotic state clicking the same buttons every day, having the same conversations over and over again. All of it, even the anger and hostility, is all being done by autopilot.

The conversations are less than scintillating. Guys either can’t get the conversation past pleasantries...
How are you?
Enjoying the weather?
What are you up to today?
Working today?
Did I ask what you were up to today? Really? Nothing?
You sure?

BORING! The minute I’m finished with what I’m doing, I’m bailing on this conversation without so much as a “Sorry, gotta go.”

Or, guys get over-excited and go to the other extreme. They want what they want and won’t take no for an answer...
What are you looking for?
Wanna meet?
No? That’s ok, no pressure, how about later?
Enough time? Wanna meet now?
Now?
Here’s my cell number, text me so we can meet

This actually doesn’t upset me. I get this every day. Literally, every day. It doesn’t produce a strong reaction anymore. It’s simply…BORING!

Do you know what happens when someone manages to break that routine? Cue up that scratching sound of a record player abruptly stopping.

Your goal when talking to someone for the first time is to snap her out of that hypnotic state of autopilot as early in the conversation as possible.

Talking about the weather won’t do this. Neither will brazen sexual references.

Flirty conversations, however, WILL accomplish your goal.

Mr Too Brazen:
Him: I’m 5’11, 180, in good shape, I exercise regularly, and I absolutely love giving oral sex
YAWN
Me: This isn’t the 1950’s, everyone likes oral
What’s he expecting here? That I’d fall all over myself thinking “I better get me that before he offers it to the next girl”? Do you really think my eyes are bulging out of my head with that offer. No. It’s BORING
Him: You’ll be on your knees begging me for my cock
Does he really think this comes off as anything other than having serious psycho-sexual issues? Reading too many penthouse letters I guess
Me: What gives you the impression I’m somehow into forced submission?
Him: It’s not like that
Me: I’m the one on my knees, in a subservient position, lacking any and all impulse control simply from seeing a strange penis in front of me … what does that tell me about your perception of women?
You know, I came here for some excitement, he’s not giving it to me. All that’s left is to verbally berate him.
Him: I just meant you would enjoy great sex with me
Explaining himself. This is called Lampshading a Wrong Turn. By not changing the subject it doesn’t allow the conversation to move past the faux pas


At this point, I’m BORED with him … that’s why I’m toying with him. While he may think I’m angry and upset, every day I’m having this same conversation with someone. It’s all autopilot at this point.

Avoiding this by opting for safe conversational choices at every turn isn’t the solution either.

Mr. I Take Pride In Playing It Safe:
Him: Do you chat back?
I hate this opening, but no one else is chatting at the moment
Me: Sometimes
Him: Good
[silence]
Him: What are you up to today?
Me: Not a whole lot
I know that’s not much of a response, but this isn’t a question anyone cares about anyway. It’s merely a pleasantry
Him: Enjoying the weather?
Me: Would almost confuse this for spring
Him: Yeah
[silence]
Him: Did you go out at all?
Me: No
Him: That’s too bad, it’s really nice out
I know it’s nice out, we’ve already covered this, move this conversation along
[silence]
Him: Working today?
Me: Yes, I go in later, I have the evening shift
Him: What do you do?
Me: Manager in a retail store
Him: Cool
Me: Yeah
What else am I supposed to say? I could ask him questions in return, but the conversation is just so uninteresting that it would simply be prolonging the agony
Him: I’m going to take the to the park today
No doubt this was meant to tell me something about him. He likes being outdoors, he has a dog. Neither detail is particularly interesting. Why waste time telling me boring stuff?
Me: Cool
Yup, the dreaded one syllable response. This isn’t the conversation I came to the site to have


Should I continue? Or do you want to tear your eyeballs out reading this? Yeah, me too.

He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t offend me in any way. He was polite and respectful. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that it’s BORING!

Mr. Playful and Fun:
Him: Planning on going out and enjoying the unseasonably warm weather today?
Me: Nope, gotta work later
[waits a minute or two, but not too long]
Him: Gimme your opinion: Peter Dinklage. Sex symbol? Or no?
Cue up sound of abrupt record player stopping sound
Me: The dwarf from Game of Thrones?
Him: Is “dwarf” even politically correct?
Shows social awareness, doesn’t concede that everything a woman says is automatically great and wonderful. It invites further discussion should I choose to accept it.
Him: But yeah, that guy
Me: Hell yeah! I’d do him
Him: Ahh, you’re a freak aren’t you?
Me: Proudly so
Him: He does have gravitas doesn’t he?
Didn’t go down the rabbit hole of brazen sex talk, good, goal is to stay flirty, not brazen
Me: His voice alone can talk me into an orgasm


So I admit it, I’m a freak. But who got that out of me? Brazen sex talk almost always goes nowhere. Playing it safe just makes me want to perform ritual suicide. But the playful and flirty conversation never fails.

What did that brief exchange tell me? He likes Game of Thrones. He knows who’s trending. He’s socially conscious.

What did the other exchanges tell me about the other guys? They like the outdoors (BORING!). They like cunnilingus (BORING, everyone is making that same offer).

4 Comments
Nice Guy – the online equivalent of a Certificate of Participation
Posted:Feb 23, 2017 10:17 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2017 6:29 am
3731 Views






Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome

A common online obsessive disorder whereby a man feels a compulsive need to qualify himself as a Nice Guy at every chance and to to every girl he talks to online, often doing so to a fault as all other positive personality traits are given no priority whatsoever.




You know what I’ve learned after all my years of being online? Most guys I come in contact with are decent, kind, respectable people. Even the ones that come on strong can often be calmed down in short order. You’re pretty much all nice guys.

Yet, despite that, “Nice guys finish last.” This is, unfortunately, a very true statement. Nice guys tend to be BORING. They consistently opt for the ‘safe’ choice at every point in the conversation. Things never get interesting with them. They manage to say nothing wrong, but at a cost of never saying anything right either.

Yet all you guys here are tripping all over yourselves trying to prove to me that you fit this mold of Nice Guy despite the fact that it gets you nowhere.

Don’t women want a nice guy? Of course.

Don’t women worry that deep down, you’re really not a nice guy? Of course.

Should you therefore conclude you should be telling me your a nice guy every chance you get? Oh Hell No!

Here’s what women often say when they like a guy: “He’s handsome, smart, thoughtful, likes Netflix documentaries as much as I do … and he’s a Nice Guy”

So, after hearing this, men start telling every girl he meets online “Hey, I meet the criteria you’re looking for, I’m a Nice Guy, we should hook up.”

You’d think this goes without saying, but Nice Guy wasn’t exactly the only thing she saw in the guy. So why focus on that to the exclusion of the others? That’s exactly what Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome does.

EVERYONE claims to be a Nice Guy. And to your credit, most of you guys actually are. But what does that tell me? Precisely nothing.

If you’re telling me you’re a nice guy, that means you’re not showing me. Never tell, always show. Let the woman come to the conclusion on her own. By self-congratulating yourself, you forfeit any points you would have otherwise scored for having such an attribute.

Think about it, do confident men walk around telling women they’re confident? That would be not only be silly, it actually betrays a LACK of that quality.

‘Nice’ is the online equivalent of a Certificate of Participation. Everyone gets one. And since everyone has one, it isn’t special. It isn’t noteworthy. It isn’t anything to be proud of. You don’t put that on a resume or hang it on the refrigerator door.

So why are you guys waving this Nice Guy award around proudly? It’s not setting you apart from the crowd, it is defining you precisely as being part of the crowd.

I’m not saying don’t be a nice guy. What I’m saying is that Nice Guy is a very low bar to reach. Set your sights higher. Show me qualities that will impress me more than ‘nice.’

Don’t be that guy who puts Mr. Nice Guy on display and never shows me anything more. Be fun and flirty. Be thoughtful and insightful. Be whatever you want. Just don’t be Nice and only Nice.

13 Comments
Outcome Indifferent Mentality
Posted:Feb 21, 2017 7:19 am
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2017 7:23 am
4534 Views




We often talk about confidence being the key to success. However, few know how confidence is actually displayed. Being Outcome Indifferent is the answer.





Confidence is an aphrodisiac. It makes us wet. Like, gushing wet.

On the other hand, being needy, clingy, insecure, or desperate is Women Repellent in a Can – spray this stuff on and no one will come near you.

While everyone seems to know that confidence is the key to success with women, it doesn’t answer the more fundamental question of "What do confident men do differently than others?"

Confident men are not overly concerned about success or failure. Truly confident men can walk away from something if it isn’t what they want without looking back. Ideally, however, you’d like to convey that before it ever becomes necessary to actually play that card. So it can be a tricky skill to master.

Confident men carry an aura around them of indifference.

Think about it. If a guy truly has many attractive women he could call up and any given moment, is he really going to be losing sleep over his success or failure with little ol’ me? No. If he fails with me, or I blow him off, he’ll just move on fully confident he’ll be successful with the next person and never even give me another thought – hence his indifference.

The opposite of Outcome Indifference would be the Outcome Obsession, which goes something like this...

You meet someone you click with and you really like …
... naturally, the more you want it
... ... the more it means to you
... ... ... so the harder you try
... ... ... ... meaning that you're agonizing and fretting
... ... ... ... ... leading to displaying insecure and clingy tendencies
... ... ... ... ... ... the less likely it is to actually happen!
The more you want it, the more elusive it becomes. This is the furthest thing from confidence. Being overly concerned about the outcome actually hurts your chances.

So here’s how to exude that certain indifference that confident men have.

Know when to bail, and how to bail

Not bailing on the person altogether, merely that one individual conversation.

Outcome Obsessed people will NEVER end a conversation. They simply won’t.

What often happens is that they finally finagle their way into an exciting conversation, but as it starts running out of gas, they just can’t bring themselves to end it. So they string it along far, far longer than they should. As it gets more and more boring, I get more and more disinterested … yet the conversation just won’t stop. They will drag that conversation on all friggin day.

This is very uncomfortable for women, and threatens to strain all the goodwill you’ve just built up.

Men want exciting conversations too. So if you’re not getting it, walk away! Outcome Indifferent Men (aka Confident Men) don’t force a bad conversation. They don't linger in boring ones.

Better to leave too early than too late. If you start getting the sense that the conversation is ebbing away, better to leave on a high note than to try to bring it back and ruin all the goodwill you’ve established.

The technique is crazy simple: If the pace of the conversation is languishing, just let it languish. You don’t need an awkward excuse to leave.

Drawing attention to the fact that the conversation is slowing down only makes it worse. Don’t do that. You think she doesn’t know how the conversation is going? Just stop responding if there’s nothing left to respond to. Better yet, say nothing for an hour, then come back with “Just finished watching the season finale of ...whatever..., you gotta see what happens! EPIC!” It gives her an opening to come back in, and shows you aren’t uncomfortable just because there was a little bit of silence, and suggests that you weren’t just sitting there dumbly.

Inventing contrived excuses to leave also works, just be aware that it comes with a very specific caveat. Far too often, the minute you say “I have to go” the floodgates of conversation suddenly open again. Once you say you’re leaving, you have to leave. Anything less demonstrates an obsession with keeping her attention.

Outcome Indifference doesn’t panic that a conversation is running out of gas. There will be other days, other conversations. Not every conversation has to knock it out of the park.

Match her pacing

This applies more when you get to the level of texting. It is probably the single most important skill I'll ever advocate, and it is crazy easy to master.

If she’s responding in real time, you respond in real time.

If she’s taking minutes to respond, you’re going to take minutes

If it takes her two hours to respond ... I’m seriously not kidding here ... not a single word in response in anything less than 1 hour and 59 minutes. Make her wait!

This is a HUGE mistake nearly all men make. If it is taking her hours to respond, yet you respond instantaneously, you’re clearly Outcome Obsessed. It concedes too much power to her. She knows she can walk all over you, and you’ll still lap it up like a cat to cream. Better to signal that she’s no more important to you as you are to her. Outcome Indifferent people are able to let the silence hang without fear that she’ll move along.

Seriously guys, if you pick nothing else up from this blog, learn this one technique. It takes exactly zero time to master. No special verbal skills needed. She’ll never even realize you’re doing it – on her end, it’ll feel...oddly comfortable.

Confident men put their phones down. Even if you’re doing nothing, the last thing you want to signal to a potential partner is that you’re sitting on the couch staring at your phone trying to induce a woman to text you through sheer force of will. Signal that you go out and have a life, not by saying it verbally, but by not being quite so readily available.

Brush off her attempts to judge you or shame you

She’s the Queen of a Thousand Subjects. She’s going to try to treat you like any other of her peons and see if you take the bait. Peons will take any abuse she throws at them, no matter how rude, abrasive, or demeaning. Not you though. You’re going to handle this like a King.

Don’t apologize or make excuses for who you are or what you want. Own it.

You are neither going to retreat into your shell like a frightened turtle (by apologizing or feeling ashamed), nor are you going to pound your chest in false bravado like a gorilla (by defending yourself or explaining your actions or desires).

At some point she’s going to ask you questions that will make you sweat. For example, she might test in such ways as … Are you a loser who can’t get laid? Are you ashamed of being here? Does it embarrass you that you’re horny?

Women do this in varying degrees of self-awareness. Sometimes it is totally and completely calculated on my part. Other times I do it unconsciously. Yet other times I know I’m doing it, don’t want to do it, and somehow can’t stop myself.

When I do this to men, they almost immediately hide like a turtle and apologize for approaching me. They start making claims that, while others may be looking for sex, they are somehow above that. BUZZ. Nope, wrong answer, thanks for playing. Not only do I not buy it, but if it were true, then what the hell are you doing on a sex site? Don’t apologize for wanting sex and being on a sex site to get it, that’s what it’s for. Don’t change what you’re looking for because I gave you the slightest bit of resistance.

Other men don’t deny it, they acknowledge they’re looking for sex, but they invariably explain why they’re looking for sex. BUZZ. Wrong again. Thanks for playing, there’s consolation prizes by the door. If you have to explain yourself, then you’re conceding the fact that she’s the Queen of a Thousand Subjects and you owe her a response when she demands one – like a peasant.

So what to do when she corners you in such a way? There are several techniques you can employ. Some of the easier one are Agree and Amplify (by taking things to absurd levels, it keeps the conversation fun and playful, while also subtly trivializing her question) as well as Just Ignore It And Keep It Moving (respond in such a way as to not address the actual question, or address other parts of what she said instead, or just change the subject entirely). Other techniques such as Throw It Back On Her might take a little verbal aptitude, not recommended quite yet.

Putting it all together

I love concrete examples. So getting it out of the theoretical, here’s some stuff to sink your teeth into:

(from a male account, middle aged, no pic, vague profile – every disadvantage I could think of … after making getting a conversation sufficiently advanced where I felt confident enough to make an overt pass at her)

Her: Wow, you’re in a mood tonight, horny much?
Attempt at judging and shaming me
Him: It’s the company I keep
Brushed it off without an apology or explanation
Her: Better watch some porn then
Him: Boys watch porn and fantasize to imitation sex, men go out and get what they want and enjoy the real thing
Her: I’m not that easy
Him: Nothing worthwhile is ever easy
This comes awfully close to a compliment without actually giving it
Her: I bet you say that to all the girls
Warning: She’s challenging me with a shit test. Several possible options to go with, in this case, I’m opting for ignoring it.
Him: You like cheesecake?
Brushed off her question. Not catering to her demands on where the conversation goes at all times.
Her: Haha, trying to get me fat?
She’s challenging me again, but much more playfully than before, very good sign
Him: Maybe, no man has ever complained about a nice round ass. How does your ass look in jeans?
Asks her to qualify herself, it plays the game right back at her, yet keeps it playful
Her: Not as good as it looks out of them (winky face emoji)
And there you have it, success!
Him: There’s a diner on Central Ave that has cheesecake, they’re open 24 hours
Her: Not tonight babe. Honestly, I’m too tired to go out
This was the most likely response. The expectation wasn’t that she’d accept, but rather was to induce a favorable reaction, which would make the next attempt that much easier.
Him: Next time I’ll come get you sooner in the evening. Rest up. I’ll catch up with you in the morning.
Notice how it was not her who is choosing to end the conversation. Accepted the rejection with dignity and not groveling like a whiny bitch. Act like you know there will be other chances.
Her: Goodnight

Hang out on the site another half an hour before signing off. Sends a clear and unambiguous signal that (1) I see you there (2) I’m not ashamed of what I want (3) I’m not getting it from you (4) I’ll get it elsewhere.

I know how wrong that sounds. The ‘I’ll get it elsewhere’ attitude sounds less than flattering. But we’re adults here. For me, if I don’t get what I’m looking for in a guy, I’m going to move on. He has that same right!

The alternative is to grovel pathetically at my feet and say “No, you’re the only one I want, if I don’t have you I don’t want anyone else” …. please … no woman respects this type of man. That establishes yourself firmly as a peon playing into her Queen of a Thousand Subjects. You’ll never seduce her by being best peon of all time. Queens don’t want more peons, they want a King!

I challenge all women to tell me you wouldn’t die to be having more conversations like that.

You want to know what I’m looking for on this site? The above example is it in a nutshell. Just the thought of a conversation like that makes me wet.

An example about pacing:

Some context here. Ongoing for about a week prior was me saying Good Morning and not getting a response until something like 3:00 in the afternoon – if I even got a response at all. Even at that point, I couldn’t keep the conversation alive for more than a few lines before she got “busy” again (which I conclude was disinterest, though she would claim otherwise).

I recognized that I was being Outcome Obsessed. I was coming across as needy and thus I was repelling her. Yes, even people that write this stuff are prone to displaying it

She decided what to talk about, when to talk about it, and how long to talk about it – and that ended up being Nothing, Rarely, and Only a Few Lines at a Time. I was giving her all the power. If I was to keep her interested, I had to change that dynamic. The solution? Shift my mentality to Outcome Indifference.

Me: Haven’t heard from you in a bit, everything alright?
Her: Yeah, just been busy
Me: How’d the doctor appointments go?
Her: Went alright, just the yearly womanly stuff
Me: Great. I’m off to the gym, just wanted to check in and make sure all is well. I’ll be around later if you need to talk. Otherwise get some rest
Me: I appreciate it. Have have fun at the gym

So I hit her with a few lines, scored a few points for expressing concern and sympathy, then bolted out of the conversation. Notice how I didn’t wait to see if she wanted to talk before running out. If she wanted to talk, she’d have to wait. I simply stopped being an insecure peon and started acting like a King.

She didn’t come back that night. But in short order her responses gradually became faster. Days turned into hours. Hours turned into minutes. Remember, this works because it feels oddly comfortable to her.

I learned to speak in short, clipped conversations. Open up conversation with “Did you hear what Trump just said about…” Or “You gotta listen to this podcast, it’s called ...whatever..., Find episode 102, it’ll blow your mind” Follow with a few follow up lines, then bolt. Just keep repeating until she starts guiding the conversation into increasingly longer exchanges.

Indifference is that certain je ne sais quoi that projects confidence. The more goal directed you are towards meeting, the more you’ll inadvertently sabotage your efforts. Don’t force a bad hand. Play it cool. Ultimately, the indifference translates to a feeling that you’re in charge. That is exactly the confidence you want to portray, and the means by which it gets portrayed.

4 Comments
Superficial Commonality
Posted:Feb 20, 2017 4:59 am
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2017 12:26 pm
3821 Views




Finding common interests should not be a high priority in conversation. That is sage wisdom that is built upon a flawed premise.





How do you talk to women online? When asked that, how many people are frantically jumping up and down saying “I know! I know! … You comb through her profile and find something you’re both interested in and you talk to her about it.” I can FEEL the smug sense of self-satisfaction in thinking you’ve given the correct response.

The thing is, you haven’t given the right answer.

Every advice column always says this, but it is flat out wrong! It is built upon some very flawed assumptions, and later defended with confirmation bias.

Let’s put this to the test shall we … here is an actual interest of mine …

I like ice cream

Now that you know that, go prove to me that you can build a conversation around it. You can’t, can you?

"But, but, but … you picked the single most generic thing humanly possible. Everyone likes ice cream. That doesn’t tell me anything."

Yep, and that’s the point.

There isn’t a whole lot to be said about it. You can't make a conversation around this. Maybe you can ask about my favorite flavor, or the best places to get good ice cream, that buys you 2 or 3 lines of conversation, and none of it particularly exciting. You’re going to need a whole lot more than that. In short order, you’re back at the beginning, floundering and trying desperately to find something to talk about. So where has this sage advice gotten you?

Flawed assumptions:

If we like the same things, we’ll like each other.

That’s just a sentiment that is flat out ridiculous when said out loud. Of course it doesn’t mean that! Yet the adamant insistence on finding common ground is predicated on that assumption being true. So why do we keep advancing that advice?

Knowing what you like tells me something about you.

It doesn’t tell you a damn thing. The girls in my yoga class share a similar interest as me (yoga), yet what does that tell me about them? I don’t feel I know them. I don’t feel any special bond with them. I don’t even know their names.

The reason is simple, interests are merely superficial.

Finding common ground on a profile naturally leads to conversation.

There is nothing ‘natural’ about it. I told you that was an interest of mine. It didn’t come up organically. It was totally contrived. How is that natural? Most of the time, this leads to the conversation feeling stilted and forced. It’s awkward.

Profiles tell you what people like and don’t like, that’s what they’re for.

People lie on profiles. If it isn’t an outright lie, it is deliberately misleading to put ourselves in the best possible light.

Face it, most of us live boring lives. We get up, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. In between, we do mundane stuff like laundry and wash dishes. Even when we do go out, it usually isn’t all that much to speak of. So profiles, which are supposed to be a trove of relevant information, is intrinsically highly suspect. Most of us aren’t actively out doing the stuff we claim to be doing … we did it a few times many months ago and continue to list it as a hobby.

I can almost hear you thinking: “But what about all the people who claim to have found each other and used this technique? They can’t all be wrong.”

Confirmation bias.

No one is denying that it’s ever happened at all. But the handful of success stories of people using this technique doesn’t overturn the overwhelming number of failures this technique induces. I get more people floundering with this technique in one day than the total number of successes in my entire life.

What you should be focused on instead

Think about it. What is consistently listed among women’s top qualities that they’re looking for?

They always say ‘Sense of Humor.’ In other words, girls want someone who is fun to talk to. Given the choice of someone who is playful and fun in a conversation, and someone who likes pistachio ice cream as much as I do … I’m going to go with the fun guy. Really, is this even in debate?

I want to have fun while I’m hanging out online. You want to know what I’m looking for on this site, I want to relax, unwind, and forget the day to day minutiae of my life (and, if I was single, maybe even get laid along the way). Yet, in all my years on this site, I am not seeing guys give any priority to this whatsoever. If you want to be successful, this has to be priority #1.

Instead of focusing on finding common interests and forcing the conversation around it, be fun and playful and make her laugh, and let the conversation organically go wherever.

Actual Examples

This was the one that prompted the idea for this post, occurred only a few days ago:

Him: What do you like to do? I like ballroom dancing
It was weird hearing this since I often use this as an example here. I'm still convinced he read it in a blog of mine somewhere.
Me: Latin style or ballroom?
[silence]
What is he doing? Googling the answer?
Him: Ballroom
Really? No elaboration? I’m signaling that I know the lingo. I’m giving you an opening. What else do you want?
Me: I prefer latin … salsa, merengue, bachata
Him: Cool
Nothing to respond to, so I didn't respond
[More silence]
Excuse me? Dude, YOU brought this subject up, YOU wanted to talk about, you finally got someone to talk about it with, and when given the chance the best you can come up with is “cool”? Dug down deep for that one didn’t you?

Classic case of someone finding a common interest. Yet that ‘advantage’ only gave him 3 lines of conversation (if you include “Cool,” which is being more generous than I should be). This is an unmitigated disaster!

I know what he was hoping I’d say. He was hoping I’d respond with “You should show me sometime” or “Let’s go dancing together.” Not going to happen! I just met the guy. At this point in the conversation I hadn’t bothered to commit his name to memory.

Do you really think I’m going to talk to this guy again? So where did finding common ground get him?

Common ground got him absolutely nowhere! It was too superficial. We weren’t connecting.

Using my suggestion instead … an actual conversation …

(male account, no pic, no profile, married, it was mid-morning)

Me: What are you up to today? Anything fun?
Her: Nothing really, just laundry
Me: Ahh, the romance of two socks finding each other amid a sea of dirty unmentionables
Her: They’re just white socks, they come in packs of 12
Me: Oh, they’ll just get with anyone won’t they?
Her: The sluts!

A LOT got accomplished in merely 3 lines of conversation. Most of you guys have no idea how many opportunities you miss to score points as a conversation is progressing.

I can now take this conversation in any direction I want. Even if I go in a mundane direction (ie. “Not working today?”), I guarantee you that will go a whole lot farther now that she’s relaxed and enjoying herself.

At this point, she knows nothing about me yet, but she knows she enjoys talking to me. That is the most important thing for her to know. Now, whenever my name pops up on her IM, she’s receptive to talking.

Drawing her into the conversation in a relaxed way is WAY more important to feeling her out for a common interest.

When you finally get a woman to talk to you, forget the adage about finding a common interest. It is a waste of time. It is more likely to backfire than to be in any way useful. Instead, focus your energy into keeping the conversation playful and fun. Once she’s laughing, she’ll welcome you talking to her in future conversations.

2 Comments
The Poofing Phenomenon
Posted:Feb 16, 2017 10:23 am
Last Updated:Feb 23, 2017 11:44 am
3323 Views





Poofing, or the vanishing act so many people do here, is the perpetual concern of anyone about to meet. Understand why women do this, and what you can do to minimize it happening to you.





I've been on both the giving and the receiving end of this phenomenon. Here’s my best advice as to how to avoid this. It isn’t foolproof by any stretch, most of it comes from my own personal introspection as opposed to polling other women, but it will help minimize it by knowing what’s probably going on in her head (or at least a lot of the stuff that was going on in my head, for whatever insights that gives you).

First, understand what she’s worried about:

She doesn’t want to be used

You may not even be planning to do this. In fact, there aren’t very many people out there who are outright looking for a one night stand. One night stands are rarely a planned thing. After all, why limit any good thing to just a one time affair?

There are many possible explanations for One Night Stands:
  • It wasn’t all that good … or at least, not good enough to justify the effort of a second encounter
  • Didn’t find the other person attractive or charming in person
  • Sudden change of circumstances from last week to this week (our lives change quickly and frequently)
  • Let’s face it even if we don’t want to acknowledge it, guilt is often high on the list of reasons for one night stands. Sex isn’t like square dancing, it stirs up a lot of internal baggage after it’s done

    The problem here is that explicitly saying "I’m not looking for a one time thing" doesn’t address those concerns. Neither does planning out several subsequent meet ups as a way of feebly attempting to signal continued interest.

    It isn’t about whether you’re planning a One Night Stand as much as it is about whether she thinks once is all it is ever going to be.

    If she thinks this, she’s not likely going to follow through on an actual meet. The minute things get serious, it’ll break the spell, and reality will set in. She’ll decide it is not worth it, and … poof.

    She thinks you’re not nearly as interested as you’re letting on

    You may be dead serious about wanting to meet and eventually get freaky. But nobody wants to be the backup plan. If she thinks you’re hitting on her because she’s ‘the last gal at the bar’ and it’s her or nobody, or she thinks she’ll be side-lined the minute someone prettier comes along (which she always thinks is imminent), then there’s a high probability of her vanishing on you without explanation.

    She’s wondering “Are you interested in me specifically, or just sex in general?”

    Oftentimes, this is exacerbated by men overplaying their hand. The more you insist you’re interested (or how beautiful you are, or how charming), the more she’s feeling you’re overcompensating.

    Yeah, she'll be interested in you for the moment, but when things start becoming real, this voice will grow louder and louder until she eventually poofs.

    She doesn’t think you’re as great as you’re trying to let on

    The first obvious application of this would be if you’re a 9 and she sees herself as a 5.5. Why is a guy as good looking as you going after an overweight women twice your age with the baggage of three in the house? If you’re so great and wonderful, why are you trying to get with me? The longer this question goes unanswered in her mind, the greater the likelihood of things falling apart.

    But there are more subtle applications as well. For example, you tell her that you’re a nice guy. Great! She’s looking to meet a nice guy. The problem is, if you have to TELL her you’re a nice guy, is that because she would otherwise come to a different conclusion without such assurance? Something to think about.

    Women love mystery. So never tell a girl your best attributes. Show her. Don’t tell her you’re great in bed, instead learn how to be playful and flirty in conversation. Don’t tell her you’re charming and classy, instead lead her to this though sophisticated and insightful conversation.

    If you’re doing too much telling and not enough showing, she’ll second-guess her opinion of you and assume you aren’t as great as you’re letting on.

    You’re too needy. Too desperate. Too insecure.

    This might as well be Women Repellent in a Can. Things will not get very far if you’re giving off these vibes. You’d be lucky to have a conversation of any length.

    However, there seems to be a lot of guys out there who don’t display these attributes until serious discussion of meeting comes into play. They can talk a good game online, but when things start becoming real, it is almost as if a different person starts coming out.

    If you’re too nervous, that’s a sign of insecurity. I know, it is a LOT easier to have a conversation via text or online where you have a minute to consider your best response and self-edit as necessary. You’re no doubt fretting if you can maintain the charm when things are moving in real-time. Trust me, you cannot EVER show this. You’re an adult. You talk to people every day of your life. You just have to trust that you’ll do fine.

    Similarly, if you’re over-eager, that’s a sign that you’re desperate. If you’re texting every ten seconds, it’s a sign that you’re needy. You want her to be impressed by you, but you don’t want to impress her. If she senses you’re trying too hard, she’ll quickly get bored. It is a sign of insecurity.

    How to allay her fears and minimize the chance that she’ll poof at the last moment

    Stick to the number one rule of chatting online: Keep the conversation fun, flirty, and playful … but not overtly sexual. It de-emphasizes the sex, and instead gives priority to the enjoyment of the playful conversation.

    The more overt the sex talk becomes (and perhaps even the more explicit the selfies become), the higher the expectations become. Eventually, expectations are so high that the reality can only disappoint. Explicit sex talk is a sign that the course of the relationship has hit its peak and is already starting its decline.

    This is counter-intuitive, but here goes … DON’T insist on how serious you are about actually meeting. That overplays your hand. Not only is she not going to believe it, it will instead be counted against you.

    Combining all this into an actual example:

    Him: I have to run to the mall and pick up a few items. I’m grabbing lunch in the food court, come join me
    Very, very low key. No pressure. It sounds more like two friends talking than sexual liasons. Signals interest, but not in such an over-the-top way where she’s wondering why she’s so special
    Her: Nothing says romance like greasy mall food.
    Him: What kind of lady passes up mall fare? Are you some kind of secret Nazi?
    Keeping it playful and fun
    Her: LOL. How would I even find you there?
    She has pics, so this question is only relevant if she’s actually considering it, so it is a good sign
    Him: You’ll just have to sit down with random guys and chat them up. You might even meet someone special.
    Her: Noooo. I’d only find creeps, I’m a magnet for them!
    Him: That doesn’t speak well of me now does it? Let me be off. Talk to you later
    Ending the conversation suggests life goes on with or without her. Lingering too long would imply neediness.
    Her: LOL, you’re not a creep. Maybe next time, just give me a little more warning. Bye
    Playfully twisting her words induced her to coming to a positive conclusion about you.


    This conversation is NOT a failure. While it did not lead to a meet, it put her in the correct frame of mind for next time. She knows he’s serious. She doesn’t feel pressured. Nor does she feel that politely declining would set the wrong tone for future conversations. Expectations aren’t ratcheted so high that she feels the reality can only be a letdown.

    Another example:

    Him: How come you’re home on a Saturday night?
    Her: I could ask the same of you
    Him: I’ve talking to this pretty girl for like 2 weeks now, but she thinks watching Netflix documentaries with me is boring, so I have to sit home and watch them alone. Me and my microwavable popcorn.
    Talking about her in the third person to keep it playful. The suggestion is clear that SHE is the one who doesn’t want to meet, even though she’s never actually said that
    Her: Maybe if you came up with a better idea you’d have more success with the ladies (winky face emoji)
    Him: You’re right, women like to get dressed and go out, not stay in. I should suggest Roller Derby!
    Classic agree and amplify. Taking it to a ridiculous level keeps it playful, and opens the door for her to allow something more serious
    Her: What am I going to do with you?
    Him: You’ve already thought of a few things you’d like to do to me, admit it
    Assuming the sale. Shows confidence. Normally this would be a bit too much, but I felt it flowed with the conversation
    Her: I have (this time three winky faced emojis)
    Him: Too bad you didn’t have time to get the little black dress dry cleaned and ready to go
    Keeping it suggestive, yet dodging her invitation to take the conversation down an overtly sexual path
    Her: Who says it’s not?
    Him: Well, YOU might be ready, but I would have to shave my legs
    This gives her an opening to suggest a time in a way that’s cute and fun. If she’s making the arrangements, she’s not likely going to poof.


    At this point, she’s the one driving the conversation. Even if she’s not quite ready to meet right that night (probably too sudden), she’s giving every indication that she’s willing to actually go through with it. This is not someone who’s likely to poof the next time definite arrangements are made.

    Hopefully, by being understanding of what’s going on in her head as the subject of actually meeting is being addressed, you can avoid triggering the POOF mechanism. Hopefully this leads to more meets for everyone.
  • 3 Comments
    Lampshading a Wrong Turn
    Posted:Feb 14, 2017 6:55 am
    Last Updated:Feb 27, 2017 8:44 am
    3053 Views





    When a conversation starts going sideways, don’t say things that only serve to draw more attention to it. It only makes the conversation continue down a bad path. Redirect instead.





    Lampshading is a writing trope that draws undue attention to an otherwise irrelevant detail … as in “hey, look at this lampshade.” It is dialog that is awkward and forced, and that doesn’t naturally flow in the scene. It is not a normal thing to bring up in a conversation.

    Sometimes that is good. For example, if from last season to this season a character is being played by another actor, some odd dialog about "Hey, you look different today, did you get a haircut?" might be appropriate. It is otherwise out of place, yet it is a signal to the audience that "We’re not trying to fool you, we know it is another actor, just get over it so we can move on with the story."

    For actual conversations that aren’t tv/move fictional tropes, it is always bad.

    There are a myriad of common conversational landmines that guys around these parts always seem to step on.

    Is there anything you’d like to ask me?
    Out of conversation already?

    What are you into?
    I’m not to keen in discussing my sexual proclivities with strangers, even here on this site

    Can I have your kik?
    No. I met you here, I’ll talk to you here.

    Would you be up to meeting in person?
    So you want me to agree to meet you, then get to know you to see if I want to meet you?


    Now, those questions are all kinds of wrong. Just eliminate them from your repertoire. They do not advance the conversation in a positive way. However, no matter how hard anyone tries to get the word out, these questions are going to be asked of me no matter what. So it is definitely not going to happen.

    Upon stumbling onto such a conversational landmine, the conversation invariably goes sideways.

    Resist every urge you have to justify or explain yourself. All it does is lampshade the error. Now we’re going to have 12 lines of interaction about your conversational screwup. Is that what you really want the conversation to be centered on for any length of time?

    Example:

    HIM: How’s your morning coming
    ME: Too early to tell, still drinking my coffee
    HIM: Cool

    [silence]
    There’s nothing here for me to respond to, what am I supposed to say?

    HIM: So … what are you into?
    ME: Nothing I’m particularly keen on sharing this early in the conversation, I don’t know you like that
    HIM: I didn’t mean sexually
    ME: But you were hoping I’d respond that way
    HIM: No, I just wanted to know about your hobbies. Maybe you like running or whatnot. Something we can do together.
    ME:We’ve been talking less than 6 minutes, already we’re talking about meeting?
    HIM: You don’t have any hobbies or anything?
    ME:I like ballroom dancing.
    Yes, I'm deliberately not helping him here. While this is an interest of mine, I'm not feeling particularly generous and not about to throw him a lifeline. I'm just feeling too defensive for that.
    HIM: I don’t know anything about ballroom dancing. Perhaps you could teach me.
    ME:Back to the whole meeting thing? I’m not ready to meet you yet.
    HIM: Not immediately, just something for down the road.
    ME: Then why bring it up now?
    HIM: Just to know that it is a possibility. No sense in talking if there is no hope of actually meeting.
    Just can't take a hint can you? Congratulations, this conversation is now over.


    Notice how at each stage, he digs himself in deeper. Eventually, there is absolutely zero hope of a recovery. Not only is it off-putting, it is a little scary. So there’s not even a hope of trying again on another day.

    Remember, there's only so many lines of conversation before I just decide to move on. In this case, ALL of them were wasted on defending a conversational faux pas.

    What you should do in this situation is change the subject:

    HIM: So … what are you into?
    Remember, this is a mistake
    ME: Nothing I’m particularly keen on sharing this early in the conversation, I don’t know you like that
    HIM: I didn’t mean sexually. Just asking generically. How’d you survive the storm over the weekend? You didn’t get stuck shoveling 12 inches of snow did you?
    ME: Fortunately we have a guy who takes care of that for us, thank God.
    Now he's free to direct the conversation in a more appropriate direction


    Notice how much got accomplished by changing the subject.

  • He gave himself a face-saving way out of the mess he created before it became too much of a problem.
  • He gave me an out whereby I don’t have to be forced into an aggressive posture. As much as guys may not believe this, I’d rather not have to do that in conversations. I don’t know if you guys realize the extent we feel our hand is forced in that regard.
  • It toned down the conversation dramatically. In fact, I would have to second-guess whether he wasn’t actually being honest about that (upon reconsidering … nope … he was definitely asking sexually … but he got me to at least reconsider it)

    This is speculation, but what I THINK is happening is that guys somehow instinctually feel that every transition in the conversation has to be ultra-smooth and ultra-graceful. I think their minds are rebelling against the abruptness of the change. It’s too jarring.

    Yet look at the proposed suggestion. It doesn’t come off that way at all.

    In fact, in real world conversations, this happens all the time without anyone giving it any thought. Perhaps seeing our conversations transcribed we second-guess ourselves.

    When the conversation suddenly takes a wrong turn, don’t draw any more attention to it than absolutely necessary by defending yourself or offering explanations. Just change the subject and immediately move the conversation to safer ground. You sacrifice the explanation for better conversation.

  • 2 Comments
    Priorities in the Conversation
    Posted:Feb 13, 2017 12:59 pm
    Last Updated:Mar 15, 2017 5:19 am
    2314 Views






    You only have so many lines of dialog before I lose interest. Don't waste them. Have specific goals and objectives in mind.





    You only have so much time and so many lines of conversation to get me interested in you. Hard to say exactly how many, I'm not an experimental psychologist. But you don't have an unlimited amount of time to get me interested in your conversation.

    If we’re 2 dozen lines into the conversation and we’re still talking about "what do you do for a living?" ... then you’ve failed. I’m bored out of my mind and I want to move on.

    Lines simply can’t be wasted. They are few and precious. Make every one of them count until you’ve established yourself as a bona fide friend. As such, every line should have a specific intent in mind to advance the conversation.

    So once you’ve got her attention, what do you do with it? Where do you direct the conversation to accomplish that goal? Here’s what I propose, have these three priorities in mind (in no particular order):

    Make her laugh

    Get off parity

    Induce her to ask a question


    Make her laugh

    More than anything else, we come here to be entertained. This is a point I make often, yet still cannot be emphasized enough. Instead of focusing your thought process on how to get her pants off or how to get her to send you trashy pictures, focus instead on inducing a laugh.

    You don’t have to be a comedian and tell jokes, but simply keeping the conversation lighthearted and fun will accomplish your goal.

    Trust me, a clever turn of phrase will get you a whole lot farther than 6 pack abs or a 12 inch schlong. It rouses interest FAR more than "Hey, I looked through your profile, and here’s all the stuff we have in common" ever will. It tells me more about you than a list of interests and hobbies ever will, no matter how long or extensive. Most importantly of all, it makes me want to talk to you.

    Again, it doesn’t have to be the funniest statement of all time. Many times, people will appreciate the attempt to keep things carefree and easy, even if the humor itself isn’t much to speak of.

    The problem with parity

    Most "conversation" here (if you can call it that) falls into a very predictable and formulaic pattern.

    You speak

    I speak

    You speak

    I speak

    You speak

    I speak


    That isn’t a conversation. At best, it is the pattern of a job interview. At worst, it is an interrogation. Neither are ways I particularly want to spend a Saturday night with the house to myself.

    If you’re finding this is happening, you are not doing well in the conversation. I don’t care what’s being said, or how scintillating you think it is on your end. If this is happening, she’s not engaged in the conversation. Mentally, she’s not there at all.

    You know she’s engaged when she says two or three things in a row without waiting for response.

    So, how to break this rhythm… The best way I’ve managed to find is to do it yourself. Your engagement in the topic becomes contagious.

    ME: Just watching tv tonight? What are you watching?

    ME: I’m watching Marco Polo on Netflix


    HER: I saw trending, is it any good?

    ME: It’s certainly entertaining, lots of intrigue and stuff. Though almost no effort is made to historically align with the actual Marco Polo. But I guess that’s better than giving it a title of “Random White Guy in Mongolia”

    ME: I thought it would be much more violent than it was, being that the Mongolians were unusually barbaric, even by the standards back then. Instead, there’s a ton of gratuitous sex. Not that I’m complaining of course…


    HER: Haha. I’d probably tune in just for that

    HER: How many seasons are there?

    And there it is. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is hugely significant. She’s now tuned into the conversation and, by asking a question, taking an active role in directing where it goes.

    ME: Yeah, but it’s girls. I know why I like it, why would you want to watch soft-core asian porn?

    ME: Two seasons so far


    HER: Haha, hot sex scenes turn women on too


    Notice how many words I put into it vs how many words she put into it. It is nowhere near equal. The effort gap isn't trivial here. That's just the way it goes. Like any seduction, you have to prove yourself worthy of her affection. In this case, you do that verbally. In fact, you don't want it to be easy. If it was, it's a signal she's not worth it. But this is how it starts. And these are the signals you're looking for to know you're succeeding.

    Not every topic gets this lucky. When I had this conversation, I was prepared in case I got a monosyllabic response to my inquiry. I would have had to then had to come up with some other direction to take the conversation. My backup, in case you were wondering, was “What’s on your Neflix/Hulu watchlist that I need to see? I’m always looking for new stuff to binge on”

    Induce her to ask a question

    I’ve never developed a specific technique that induces this. There really isn’t one. Just keep the conversation interesting enough and it’ll happen on its own.

    I do, however, have a list of things that you should never do in this regard.

    Etch this thought into your mind: Don’t EVER ask "Is there anything you’d like to ask me?"

    That simply isn’t how this game gets played. The game is simple: Whoever initiates the conversation is responsible for making it work. In this case, that was you. This is an instant conversation killer.

    When I accept a chat request or respond to an email, that doesn’t mean I’m interested in you. It merely means I’ve given you an opening to get me interested. Use it wisely.

    Never walk into a conversation without a plan. Hopefully this gives you a strategy by which to frame the conversation. Not only will it lead to more conversations, but you’ll find the conversations themselves are much more meaningful and fun


    1 comment
    Automatic show-stoppers
    Posted:Feb 9, 2017 9:52 am
    Last Updated:Mar 4, 2017 5:25 am
    1931 Views

    In attempting to get the attention of women here, I've compiled a few things that I routinely see that there simply is nothing you can do to recover from.

    Too far away

    Different areas will have different standards in this regard. I’m in a pretty populous area, so my maximum range is no more than a half hour’s drive. Don’t try to fool me, I know how far away you are regardless of how many miles the site happens to be calculating. Attempting to claim “We’re only 31 miles from each other” when I KNOW it is an an hour+ to your town only digs you in deeper.

    I question the relevancy of someone offering to drive an hour+, to hang out with me a half an hour or so, then drive back another hour+. That's a LONG time on the road for just a few minute with me. I'm not that special. And if you think I am, that reeks of desperation. Who the hell has that kind of time??

    If you’re ultra-smooth chat request isn’t working, it might be that there is simply NO line that could possibly be used to offset the distance involved.

    Take special note: There are some women out there for whom too close is also an issue. I can’t say I have been able to make any determination how prevalent this is among the Meelp community, but it is something to keep in the back of your mind. Especially if she’s married, she doesn’t want to worry about running into you awkwardly in the supermarket.

    Out of age range

    Granted, you have no way of knowing ahead of time what age range she’s looking for. But whatever it is, if you’re not in it, just accept the fact that you’re out of the running. It’ll take some awfully good first lines to offset this (and I have yet to see anyone here successfully send me such a line).

    Weird username

    Incomprehensible Gibberish – ie. 1BBC4uNYC4U2Njoy
    I'm going cross-eyed just looking at this thing. WTF!?!

    Tasteless and crude – VaginaSmasher
    Thanks, but I'm good.

    Overly suggestive – IwantToPleaseYou
    I know you do, that's why we're all here and why you're trying to talk to me. The fact that you feel compelled to say it anyway makes you look like a who's never done this before.

    Fetishistic – NippleTortureDom
    If this is where the conversation starts, where are you hoping it going to finish? I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that.

    Childish Keywords – HornyPussyCumLover
    I can't speak for other women on this one, but I just automatically tune out any user that has certain keywords in it. 'Horny,' 'pussy,' and 'cum' all make the list, but it is not limited to just them (those are merely the ones that readily come to mind). I know that you have to be somewhat clever to find a good username, but these are some of the least clever options you can opt for. You're an adult, you're better than that.

    Weird pics

    Seriously guys, some of your pics look like they were taken in the 70’s. Maybe you want to do something about that pornstar mustache, or take a pic that doesn’t look like it is a security key card. Definitely update your look.

    Gray is alright. I like gray. Gray does not necessarily equate to old. However, too many of you guys are just looking flat out OLD. Try to look like you've got some vitality to you.

    Dick pics do nothing for me. However, every once in a while someone will claim that they get more attention with them than with a normal pic. If so, then by all means go with that. Also, if anyone can vouch for this, I'm all ears ... seriously, I'm curious about this issue.

    However, some of you guys have some weird, misshapen dicks. You sure that’s the first thing you want women seeing?

    Teenage girl poses. Stop taking selfies in front of the bathroom mirror with duck faces. It’s not a good look for a guy. I'm seeing this more and more, and it's just weird to me. Seriously, be a man.

    92 attempts in 3 minutes

    Dude, chill out. I'm not kidding.

    One of the possible reasons for this is that guys might be assuming I didn't see the first 157 attempts. Trust me, I did. The fact that you keep trying is making it worse for you, not better. If you REALLY want my attention, maybe try a second or third attempt, just space them out. And for the love of all that is holy, know when it call it quits!

    In conclusion, some of these things are in your control ... others aren't. Regardless, the take-away is that if you're hitting any one of these hot-button issues, there is NOTHING you can say–no matter how clever or sophisticated–that will compensate. All that's left is to move on to the next person.
    0 Comments
    How to get that critical first response
    Posted:Feb 7, 2017 12:23 pm
    Last Updated:Feb 23, 2017 4:38 am
    2545 Views

    Here’s what I’ve learned about trying to get a response out of women here. It took a lot of experimentation to get a decent formula down, but here’s what I’ve come up with.

    DO: Be concise
    Shorter is better. That long, well thought out essay you wrote … It isn’t being read. Sorry. At best I only skimmed over it.

    DO: Ask a question!
    Nothing worse than having someone initiate a conversation, but leave me with nothing to respond with. Give me an opening here. I shouldn’t be left with my one response being “Umm, ok.”

    DON’T: Flatter
    Flattery with get you nowhere. First, insincere flattery is a conversation killer. No one has ever successfully faked it. Second, even with sincere flattery, she hears it so much that you’re adding to it simply blends in with the background noise. Mostly though, it leaves me with nothing to say except “Thank you.” It then forces you to change the subject. You’ve only got so much time to get onto a subject that makes me want to talk to you. This wastes precious lines on something that isn’t advancing the conversation to that point in any meaningful way.

    DO: Be a gentleman, but don’t be overly gentlemanly
    This one goes both ways. By all means, be polite and dignified. However, we know why we’re here, don’t think it is fooling anyone by pretending to be somehow above it all. You know full well where you want the conversation to go. The thing is, I want it to go there too. Just don’t force it there awkwardly in the opening line. That’s a sure fire way to repel women.

    DO: Spell and grammar check
    Badly constructed sentences and glaring errors sends all the wrong messages, as if you couldn’t be bothered to take the 2 ½ seconds to proof it before sending. I’m personally a little more forgiving for obvious autocorrects (I’ve just gotten used to seeing ‘way’ for ‘what’). Mobile devices virtually require autocorrect to compensate for large thumbs, so I’m of the opinion we will just have to get used to dealing with the issues that come with that. But understand that other women may not be of the same mindset.

    DON’T: Use pet names
    It is a lame attempt to create intimacy where there is none. We don’t have that kind of relationship, I don’t know you like that. It just makes things awkward for me. I have yet to meet a woman who was ok with this. Maybe we don’t make an issue out of it, but it is pretty universal that we hate it. Addressing the obvious counter-response immediately: No, I don’t care that you say that to everyone. Do you want to hold onto weird idiosyncrasies? Or do you want to talk to more women?

    DON’T: Ask me to text you or kik you
    Yes, I know it is easier to communicate there. We’ll get there, eventually, just not on the opening line (or even the first 10 lines). I need to know you’re worth giving it out to. What if we don’t click? I’m afraid I won’t be able to get rid of you. The last thing I want is you having my #, or email, or kik. Why on Earth would your first contact with me be asking me for this?

    DO: Understand the difference between the spoken word and the written word.
    If we were to get a transcript of what we actually say out loud, we would be shocked at how nearly incomprehensible it would be. It would be littered with oddly constructed sentences with way too many clauses. Do try to sound natural, but don’t be overly natural.

    And finally, of everything that is said here, this is the one you want to walk away with (so much so I’m going to put it all in bold):

    DO: Be mildly challenging
    This is a tricky skill to master, but it is absolutely essential that you do. You want to put her in a position where she feels compelled to respond. The hard part is not being too aggressive in doing so. You want her to be somewhat defensive, but so much so that it induces anger. In fact, if done right, she won’t even realize she’s defensive. She’ll actually like it that you’re keeping her on her toes.


    Examples, both good and bad:

    48 well experienced years in the art of fun and sexual enjoyment.

    This is a good example of (1) no question and nothing for me to respond to except to say “ok” and (2) it is an oddly constructed sentence that sounds better spoken out loud than it does written down.

    Verdict: I didn’t get rude or abrasive with him. I simply didn’t respond.

    Hello [blank] this clean healthy ddf gentleman in the [blank] area of [blank] County with an above average appetite for sexual adventures might like to spice up the evening for you.(and me)Of course. I have a nice bottle of champagne to get things started and certain that we would have a lot of laughs and a great night together. So now its up to you, if you are serious about having an evening of fun that you will remember forever I awaite your reply

    Couple of things wrong here. (1) Too long. (2) No question. (3) Several BAD spelling and grammar mistakes. I give him credit for trying to rouse interest, but it fails to do so. It is neither challenging nor entertaining. In defense of him being unusually forward, he was responding to a trashy profile I had where I was being over-the-top slutty (this is how I amuse myself when things get boring). So I’m not criticizing him for that, he was merely reflecting back the level of sexuality I was putting out.

    Verdict: Next! Moved along without ever even reading it.

    Here are things I have successfully used under my male account that has successfully struck up a conversation:

    Didn’t get enough excitement over the weekend?

    It is mildly suggesting that she didn’t get any over the weekend. I mean, she IS here isn’t she?

    Verdict: The response I got was “LOL, I did, just not enough.” Wasn’t much of a response. The LOL is a good sign (which she would later overuse in EVERY line she typed back, oi). It allowed a natural springboard into what we both did with our respective weekends … otherwise known as “a conversation.”

    You’re much too young for a place like this, you sure you can handle all the attention?

    Mind you, on my profile I listed myself as a 41 year old married man with no pic and a vague profile, and I’m going after a 20 yr old with trashy pics on her profile. This took some advanced skills to pull off, both in initially getting her interest and then later keeping it. No doubt she was getting lit up with chat requests, so I had to stand out a bit.

    Verdict: She got defensive at first, “Who said I’m too young??” That led to a me leading the conversation to how her trashy pics must generate more attention than she can handle. Took some skill to keep her interest after that, but that’s a blog post for another time. Hey, I don’t see you guys posting accounts of how you were successful in getting the attention of slutty 20-somethings.

    I don’t see any condoms in those pics, you must really trust your partner

    Technically, it violates one of my rules about it not being a question. However, it invites a very clear response. You can imagine how girls here posting action shots of themselves gets attention by the boatload. It was not flattery (insincere or otherwise). Everyone sends her that, so no point going there. Instead of being like everyone, I went in the other direction to stand out.

    Verdict: She felt compelled to explain herself. Yes, it was a longtime partner who she lives with. Hardly an unexpected answer, but hey, I got her talking.

    I hope you enjoyed my quick primer on how to initiate conversations with women here. By all means, especially guys, if you have insights as to what has been working for you, share them. If you're having more success, that means women too are having more success. We all win.

    2 Comments
    The "Problem" With Men Here
    Posted:Jan 31, 2017 7:00 am
    Last Updated:Jun 25, 2018 6:10 am
    1766 Views

    Yes, this is a click-bait post. A provocative title that induces you to click on it so you can rant and rave. Man-hating is our favorite subject here. It never fails to produce enormous feedback – from both women and men.

    Honestly, tell me I’m wrong when I say this, but most of you people who clicked on it have already mentally prepared your responses. They all sound something like this:

    “Yes, men are crude and tasteless”

    “There should be intelligence tests before men should be allowed to use the site”

    “Men are ass-hats who should be castrated”


    No, this isn’t that post. Sorry ladies, but I’m breaking ranks here. I don’t get very many emails and IM’s that are crude. Of the very, very few that are like that, they are easily ignored without getting me all riled up. This is a subject that plagues the blogs here, yet isn’t nearly the problem it is made out to be.

    “That’s because you haven't posted a pic and you have only the vaguest of profiles”

    Yup. You are correct. That is exactly the reason I don’t get the same level of misogyny that you do. Those of you who are posting smut pictures of yourself are nothing less than attention-whores. And you got it, you got exactly the attention you were looking for. Yet you want to wine about it too. Can't have it both ways.

    I'll eventually do a better profile, but I'm still only just getting re-established here.

    “So you’re defending them?!? They are NEVER entitled to do that!”

    Correct again (You ladies are on a roll today! Good for you!). However, we’re not talking about what is just and appropriate, we’re talking about my level of sympathy for getting the single most expected reaction of all time. You decided to appeal the lowest class of society, then are somehow shocked that so many low class people come your way. Sorry, but that doesn’t induce any sympathy from me.

    You want to act like a porn star, but treated like a princess. And you lament how there aren’t enough guys willing to buy into that fantasy for you… please….

    We’re adults here. Act like it.

    “You’re missing the point, they’re WRONG!”

    Ok, re-analyzing the situation… digging deep… nope, still not feeling any sympathy. You knew full well what would happen, and you decided to go through with it voluntarily.

    On some level, you want that response. It allows you to come here and hate on men so you can take some false sense of empowerment out of it. Deny it all you want, but I know why you’re here. You’re here to denigrate others so you can feel better about yourself. Yes, we do this as women. We’re not proud of it, but we all know we do it.

    “Ok Ms. Holier-Than-Thou, enlighten us as to what the problem really is? This should be fun.”

    As I said, the problem isn’t that men are crude. They’re just not. Most guys I talk to are decent and respectful. They honestly do care about not being offensive.

    The problem is that they’re boring beyond words!

    I’ll accept a chat invitation, talk for maybe a half an hour, and maybe only a dozen lines get exchanged. Dude, pick up the pace here. Figure out what you want to say. Get things moving.

    Then I’m stuck the next few days trying to figure out how to duck their subsequent chat requests without coming across as an angry feminazi.

    So, what to do?…. I resurrected my infoblog as to some of the techniques that I think will get you a lot further. If you want to see some of the stuff I’ve written in the past, google: “venusindisguise” blog (you’ll need the quotes).

    I also have additional information from an experiment I ran about making a male profile and seeing how good I actually am at this. It was enlightening. More on that to come.



    6 Comments
    Got bored and came back to the site (don't we all eventually?)
    Posted:Jan 30, 2017 5:34 am
    Last Updated:Sep 23, 2019 6:19 pm
    1487 Views

    For those that remember, I am VenusInDisguise. I'll start setting things up around in here in the days and weeks to come. So, for the moment, pardon the appearance of the place. Give me a little time to spruce it up.
    3 Comments

    To link to this blog (VenusRedux2) use [blog VenusRedux2] in your messages.

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