Handle Initial Rejection Like a Boss - part 3  

VenusRedux2 45F
341 posts
3/15/2017 5:47 am
Handle Initial Rejection Like a Boss - part 3

Suggesting meeting in person should NEVER be offered in the conversation simply because you ran out of things to say.

Seriously guys, I mean it when I say never.

Jumping straight to the conclusion: This is a conversation killer. Every time. One from which you will not recover.

It is amazing what percentage of the conversation is spent exclusively talking about meeting … offering to meet, not taking no for an answer, offering again, and again … me saying no, still saying no, explaining why I’m saying no … enough already!

If you spent half as much time actually engaging people in conversation you might actually get laid from time to time.

I’m convinced it comes up as often as it does because guys don’t know what else to say. They don’t know how to guide a conversation. They finally get a response from a girl online, yet have given no thought whatsoever as to what to say after the initial “Hi.” So when they’re stuck, they just default back to “Let’s meet.”

We all know how this goes:

(guy with a vague profile and a penis pic, picking up the conversation immediately after the initial greetings)

Him: So what are you looking for?
Me: Nothing specific, I’ll know it when I see it
Him: What are you into?
Me: Nothing exotic
Him: You into white guys?
Me: Fortunately, this isn’t the Jim Crow south
Presumably he’s trying to figure out what that means
Him: Want to meet sometime?
Me: Based on what I know about you right now?
Him: What do you want to know?
Me: More than I know right now
Him: I’m 6’2, 195, blond/blue, I work out, I like to play the guitar
Me: Cool
This is such a vague and superficial description. Why does everyone think this tells me anything?
Him: So would you consider meeting?
Me: Based solely on that description?
Him: You can ask me anything
Me: You’re the captain here, you’re steering the ship
Him: Yes, but it takes two to tango, you’re not exactly making it easy here
Me: If you have a problem with how the conversation is going, why are you trying so hard to meet me? The fact is, I don’t know you. I’m not going to meet you.

Guys seem to have a complete and utter inability to imagine how women are responding to them. The forced and contrived questions doesn’t come off as smooth natural. They never seem to grasp that the questions they’re asking don’t give women enough of a range of responses to work with. Little wonder why they get the verbal equivalent of a grunt and a shrug. Then guys get frustrated that “women here are uppity bitches.”

Right from the very beginning, it is clear this person is under a terrible illusion that any of this qualifies as an actual conversation, as if asking about my sexual proclivities is going to magically open up the doors to the conversation.

This guy ignored every red flag I sent him. I was disinterested in every question he asked and showed it by giving him vague and non-committal responses. At no point did the conversation flow freely and easily. It was awkward and stilted at every step.

None of this is advancing the conversation. Instead of making more tempting, it is pissing me off!

It is too pushy, while also simultaneously sending a clear message that you’re totally out of conversation. Either by itself will kill your chances to meet her. Both combined means you’ve just successfully shot yourself in the foot. Now you’re NOT going to meet. Ever. Period.

Getting the obligatory objections out of the way

”But I just want to know if she’s open to meeting, that’s all, I didn’t mean right now”

First off, I’m calling BS on that. It was an offer to meet, plain and simple. Trying to rewrite the conversation and frame it as “I just want to see if it is an option” is gaslighting. You really want to start this relationship by insulting me? Just say sorry and redirect the conversation back to safer ground.

Secondly, I’m here and I’m talking to you! No matter what anyone says, as long as she’s talking to you, you have a chance to impress her and induce her to meet, regardless of what she may or may not have initially had planned. That’s how relationships get started, everyone feels each other out and eventually settles on a direction. So why bother asking? It is on YOU to get it done, not her to have prior expectations that you can swoop in to chivalrously fulfill (how noble of you).

Lastly, most women won’t meet on a first conversation no matter how good you are. They can't. Even if the desire was there, the unexpected timing is not likely going to allow it. So congratulations, you just killed the conversation with a question that didn’t need to be asked.

“I’m better in person than I am online”

You’re not that guy. If you were, this wouldn’t be your forum of choice to meet women. If conversation is dragging online, it’s going to drag in person. No, you’re not going to rally in person and do better.

“But I am trying to gauge her level of interest”

Sorry to break it to you like this, but she’s not interested.

“You don’t know that. You’re not a mind reader.”

Sorry, but I DO know. Every woman knows. Even other guys would know. Even you know. Deep down, you know. You’re only asking the question because you’re hoping beyond hope that you’re somehow wrong. But you’re not wrong. She’s just not that into you.

Women who are interested are going to give you clear and unambiguous signals. The fact that you simply don’t positively know her level of interest means she isn’t sending those signals.

What you should be doing instead

Try talking to me like I’m a human being, not like you’re trying to politely solicit an escort. Have an actual conversation.

I’ll probably expand on this at another time, but you really should have the first few questions mentally mapped out beforehand, complete with all the usual permutations of possible responses. The objective in doing this is to hope that one of those questions will land on a conversation that is free flowing and natural. At first this may feel stiff and wooden, but as you find your unique style and voice it will become much more natural.

In addition, I briefly outlined this once in this post: Priorities in the Conversation. The priorities in the conversation shouldn’t be “get her to meet me.” The priorities should be to make me laugh, get me to ask questions (without having to say “is there anything you’d like to ask me?”), and get the conversation to a point where it isn’t simple parity of You speak–I speak–You speak. Doing that will naturally lead to her wanting to meet.

Everything else I’ve seen all lead to conversational dead ends.

In the inability to get conversation off the ground, guys inevitably exhaust every question they had prepared in only a few short minutes. With nothing left to resort to, the inevitable question becomes “Do you want to met?”

The answer is NO, I DON’T.

Give me something to work with and get the conversation flowing. Then the desire to meet will happen naturally and organically. She’ll address the subject when the time is right. There is no need for you to bring it up at all until then.

BiggLala 48F  
28370 posts
3/15/2017 1:49 pm

*clutching my orange juice* Don't talk about me like I'm not here! 😩

Ahem...kidding, lol! I don't mind you calling me out...that's one the best compliments I could ever receive. Your posts never fail to provide great insight to me, so I thank you.

I 100% agree that this is how 99% of my conversations go here, pic begging included. The rare occasion that I enjoy the banter is usually with men too far away for meeting to matter. I completely abhor these types of conversations, that I term Q&A Sessions, as if the guy is reading from a checklist...how enticing. I find it amazing that many men in the 40+ age range still don't realize there is no secret sauce to talking to women, or rather the secret sauce is...just talk. Not every conversation is going to be gold, and you might not meet your objective, but that's okay. I'm pretty sure I've said it before...just talk to a woman like a person and you'll increase her interest in you by a huge margin.

Lastly, I appreciate that you mention the disparity in the m:f ratio here (in one of your responses). The common opinion of most men is that women have it so easy here given all the attention each woman MUST receive. Ummm, yeah...no! I'm sure there are some women who have that luxury. However, for most I'd say it's quite the opposite. In fact...it's my long held opinion that the men who know how to converse with women have the upper hand here AND are in high demand. Those men are the ones that have the women fighting for their attention, so the ratio works in their favor.

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VenusRedux2 replies on 3/15/2017 2:54 pm:
Aww, thanks

The m:f thing has been on my mind for a bit now. I think one of the biggest inhibitors to conversation here is how few people understand what's really going on in the heads of the people they're talking to. They're confused because they've been led astray. Guys buy into all these myths about the site, many repeated by women themselves, that just aren't true. Then guys start acting all funny trying to compensate. The m:f ratio is one such example.

I think the reason you manage to get that banter that you're looking for from people so far away is precisely because of the distance involved. Since meeting is off the table, they're able to actually converse without this tremendous weight of "Don't blow this!"

hotguy479 40M
12 posts
3/15/2017 6:46 am


banjo6660 54M
614 posts
3/15/2017 6:35 am

So true Venus

VenusRedux2 replies on 3/15/2017 7:03 am:

BigMan757362 58M

3/15/2017 6:17 am

Wow this is very good information. Unfortunately this guy is kind of thick. I would have to add that for some of us guys we are still women shy, meaning that it is hard to ask questions that do not sound dumb. I like you idea of mapping out the first few questions so we have them at hand. The problem is with so many guys for every women we have to do the best job we can when we get the chance. Thank you for the insight and the advice, better get working on some questions and responses. By the way do you like nachos,and long conversations with someone who can communicate? So what do you think of our current economic situation? Are you a baseball fan, and have you filled out a NCAA bracket? When is your next post on this subject can I get a previewed copy Going to need it.

VenusRedux2 replies on 3/15/2017 7:03 am:
First off: "This guy" isn't just one guy. For women here, this is how MOST conversations go. The only thing I left out was the begging for pics.

That's important to understand for the second point ... I actually disagree about the paranoia about the gender disparity here. Yes, men outnumber women here almost 10:1. However, now that you're aware of what your competition looks like, it takes almost nothing to set yourself apart from them. Women here aren't getting the conversations they want even if the ratio was 1000:1.

However, yes, knowing how to guide a conversation is probably the ultimate key to success. Having a pre-planned outline goes a long way. Glad to see someone is paying attention to what I'm saying

VenusRedux2 45F
553 posts
3/15/2017 5:54 am

So, in the end, there's no way to "handle" this rejection. It shouldn't be brought up in the first place!

At least, not like this.

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