When Talking to Black Women  

VenusRedux2 45F
341 posts
4/3/2017 6:20 am
When Talking to Black Women

Guys work themselves into all kinds of problems when talking to black women. Understand there are different rules for black women than for white women.

I hate getting into conversations about race on my blog, it isn’t what my blog is about. It is not that I'm uncomfortable with it, it is just a bigger subject than I know how to handle by my lonesome. There’s just too many layers to it, too many nuances.

However, there’s a lot of guys out there who simply don’t know how to talk to black women … and talking to women online IS what my blog is about, so I guess I have to address this particular subset of race relations.

Here’s some things I hear a lot when talking to guys. Most of the time when it happens to me, I blow it off. Make no mistake, however, just because I didn’t make an issue out of it in the conversation itself doesn’t mean you didn’t lose points for it. You lost a TON of points. So here goes…

"What u up 2?"

Universally, no one likes texting abbreviations. It comes across as adolescent. What’s next, aLtErNaTiNg CaPs? It just isn’t cool. It just looks ridiculous and infantile. Grow up already.

To black women, however, there’s an added concern. Is he coming at me like this because he thinks I’m some hood rat? Is this lazy typing, or thuggish street slang? It’s bad enough when black guys do this, but white guys doing it is doubly reprehensible.

I don’t buy it is an abbreviation or an accident. There’s just no way you can’t "hear" the ebonics in that, even in text form. The alternative is to try to explain how your grammar actually is that bad, and that’s not exactly something that impresses the ladies.

"You into white guys?"

Don’t ask. If you want to be progressive, play off the race issue as if it were the most normal thing in the world … because, one day, you’ll realize it IS the most normal thing in the world. The rest of us are already there, you’re the one that has to catch up.

I’m also not "into" you simply for the color of your skin. If you want me to be into you, you better say something intelligent … and quickly after that ignorant question.

"I’ve got a thing for black girls"

Thank you for reducing me to a mere fetish plaything for your amusement.


"I’m not normally into black girls, but you’re pretty"

Go to fucking hell

"I can say this because I have black friends..."

No … no you can’t. I don’t care what comes next, if it needs that preamble, then you can’t say it.

It is excused in various ways, not just that one, such as "…because I’ve heard black people say this..." or some other lame-ass excuse. The reason is immaterial. The very fact that you have to first justify it means you already know it is wrong.

"You don’t talk black"

First, this is ignorant.

Second, were you expecting me to talk in street ebonics? You must have been in order to be surprised. The fact that contacted me at all expecting me to talk like that indicates you were deliberately looking to go "slumming" with me.

I’m not slum material. Thanks for marginalizing me like that.

"I don’t see color"

Pretending my heritage doesn’t exist isn’t progressive. Spread the word.

This actually has the effect of demeaning my racial identity. I’m not ashamed of where I came from, we don’t have to make it into the pink elephant in the room and collectively pretend it doesn’t exist.

What you want to do is embrace diversity, not homogenize it.

The very fact that posts like this are necessary means you SHOULD be taking race into account. This is about as idiotic as saying “I don’t see gender” or "I don’t see age." Of course you see it, and you respond appropriately. Same here.

I wouldn’t say "talk to me like anyone else" by way of conclusion, as there are some definite trigger issues that you should know to avoid.

In the end, I don’t know what to tell you. On this one, there is just no substitute for genuine racial sensitivity. If you don’t have it, I can’t help you with a blog post or two. If this is hard for you, maybe you shouldn’t be navigating these waters.

KItkat1415 57F  
19963 posts
4/3/2017 10:57 am

ay ay ay... when men find out I am Latina, I get the "Oooh hot! All you Latinas are supposed to spice things up, right? Sex with a Latina! Muy (pronounced by Americans like "mooooo eee") caliente!"

ugh, no. Just because I pass for white with a lot of guys but then they find out I am Latina, that is not a compliment. The passing or the excitement over finding out I am Latina.

I can imagine how men can be with Black women... just as stupid, just as irritating.
Just as long as they don't ask you to touch your hair.
And yeah, I get that, too.
I make a joke about it, run your hands through my hair at your own peril...

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VenusRedux2 replies on 4/4/2017 6:50 am:
That's just the thing. Kids today are growing up exhibiting a TON of racial stereotypes while honestly thinking they're being open-minded and progressive.

My husband got me doing this, learning a simple greeting in people's native languages. People appreciate the effort. That is
a way to celebrate diversity.

Instead, they think they're embracing diversity by perpetuating stereotypes. In your case, it is the fiery latina. If you were asian, it would be the exotic mystical pussy. On a good day, I get African Jungle Queen (I'm Haitian, I'm not even from Africa) ... though I guess that beats being cast as Madea or Aunt Jamima.

BiggLala 48F  
28222 posts
4/3/2017 10:06 am

Thank you...thank you...thank YOU!!! It's unfortunate that we continue to have to write these posts; you're the latest to feel compelled to address the issue.

I'm sure you can imagine my chagrin and how much I cringe when I'm asked if I'm into white guys, or told 'I have a thing for chocolate'. Ugh! Even the, 'I've always wanted to be with a black woman because I've heard they're great at sex. You could teach me a few things.' (yeah, that 'teach me a few things' was one that I was so flabbergasted I couldn't respond for over a day) JUST. STOP.

Oh and growing up, how I've always loved hearing...'you don't talk like most black people'. Ummm, well...I don't know what black people you're hanging around, but the black people I know talk just like me. Perhaps you need some different black friends.

At the end of the day, talk to me like a human first and a woman second. It's so much easier that way. Although, I will add that the other side of the coin frustrates me as well...black men who think that approaching me with street language will attract me, yet the reserve their best grammar for white women.

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VenusRedux2 replies on 4/4/2017 6:29 am:
'I've always wanted to be with a black woman because I've heard they're great at sex. You could teach me a few things.'

This gets to something I might eventually get to. The typical stereotypes of black women that get perpetuated. In that line, you are being cast in the role of Insatiable Sexual Jezebel. As culturally sensitive as we've come as a society, these archetypes still remain. A lot of Americans can't shake these stereotypes, even when they're trying

s2ndegree 61M  
9701 posts
4/3/2017 8:49 am

If I may entertain an actual situation that happened
A couple of years ago.I was called up front to give a
cashier a price on a product these two black girls were
buying as I approached the girls were laughing
hysterically and the cashier was saying no you aren't
one of the girls says he can't believe were sisters
what do you think?I said that's a loaded question
isn't it and she say's he gets it.
I had to explain it to him what this hip
and extremely witty girl was trying to say.Needless to say
she became a regular at the store and she was always razing him
because she thought his blushing was so cute!
Was that out of line?

Using more than all the road!

VenusRedux2 replies on 4/4/2017 6:15 am:
The whole key to both this post and your comment is knowing what you can and can't get away with in any particular situation. The problem is always when people assume they can get away with more than they actually can.

pocogato12 67F  
33190 posts
4/3/2017 7:41 am

Love your comment about texts and abbreviations. They just plain are obnoxious no matter who sends them. I am not in your skin but I truly appreciate the manner in which you presented these social aberrations that exist across the board. Thanks for a thought provoking blog

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VenusRedux2 replies on 4/4/2017 6:13 am:
I never understood that, it takes me longer to abbreviate than to type it out. It isn't the 20-somethings doing this, it is 40 and 50 year olds. Weird.

But the people that do it simply cannot stop. It is like asking someone with a broken leg to walk. I have no thoughts as to why it is so hard for them to change, but it is.

Stephaniecates 57T  
36 posts
4/3/2017 7:41 am

Very well written. I am glad you put this up.

It is a two way street in any kind of possible relationship. Understanding the other person is the only thing that matters.

Level of education, job, type of car a person drives mostly take the lead on this subject of being excepted.

Race issues are diminishing rapidly around the world but will never go completely away. Get used to it. Some will and some won't.

Being understood is the only secret we can keep our entire life. Telling a person how to treat you is just asking for a half baked pie that tastes horrible. Either a person gets it or they don't. Walk away or snuggle in. You don't need much time to figure out the person in front of you that will be that or not.

Attractively fun CD

VenusRedux2 replies on 4/4/2017 6:11 am:
Lately it seems race issues are coming back with a vengeance. Schools are getting segregated again, the whole anti-Black Lives Matter, and the current state of American politics ... things aren't trending in the right direction.

valdezvicvic 62M
997 posts
4/3/2017 7:33 am

I love chocolate, just looks better, part of the girl thing is beauty, something that is nice to look at. You are a human being and your mind is the same as mine, when talking it is mind to mind, heart to heart, there is no difference. We all eat and go poo poo, we are told that we are different because divide and conquer lets the 1%'ers win.

VenusRedux2 replies on 4/4/2017 6:09 am:
Keep in mind that there ARE differences in the experience of black people verses other cultures. While we do strive for equality, equality doesn't necessarily mean everyone gets treated the same. My first bullet point of "What u up 2?" was an example of that. Saying that to a black woman comes across differently than for white women.

Skeemac 52M  
593 posts
4/3/2017 6:41 am

Interesting post.
I would say that generally there are rules for talking to women. Women of all races can be offended by any of the situations you describe above. You could easily substitute asian or brown or black or native or any other race or ethnicity.
The issue of abbreviations is universally challenging. I get messages from women of all ages and some use them and some don't. Sometimes I have to look them up or ask what they meant. I don't attribute it to age..just personal style. Not mine mind you, but as long as one can be understood. It is after all about communicating and being understood. The words matter. People should choose more carefully.
Have a great day.

VenusRedux2 replies on 4/3/2017 7:11 am:
You could easily substitute asian or brown or black or native or any other race or ethnicity.

Absolutely true, but for this and all my other posts I pull my material from conversations I've actually had. I'd have to let the other groups speak towards their own issues.

Asian women are particularly fetishized. Volumes can be written about that. However, it isn't my experience. I can't speak with any authority about it.

notsure1949 71M
9589 posts
4/3/2017 6:35 am

well written

VenusRedux2 replies on 4/3/2017 7:05 am:

VenusRedux2 45F
553 posts
4/3/2017 6:29 am

FYI: There’s nothing wrong with staying out of those waters, I myself stay out of social circles where I don’t feel comfortable

I'm not exactly "kicking it" in the ghetto, nor am I in with corporate executives. I know my place and where I belong.

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