Not Looking, but Seeing  

hotdreamer1000 59M
8142 posts
6/16/2017 3:27 pm

Last Read:
7/19/2017 10:02 am

Not Looking, but Seeing


I posted a comment on Oldhabits' blog just now which echoed something I have been thinking about recently anyway.

I was talking to a woman friend the other day, and she was saying how her friend had recently had yet another relationship that didn't work out. But although this friend of hers says she isn't looking for anything permanent and just wants to have fun, she keeps meeting the perfect guy, and then being quite upset when it doesn't work out. I mean you know, something like six or seven one to three month relationships over the last couple of years.

I do think the old idea that you find people when you stop looking is true. But it's more complicated than that. It isn't that looking stops you finding people. You have to be open to making new relationships for one to happen, unless you get very lucky or are thrown into an environment which has a lot of natural social mixing, like University, or making movies.

But It's more that whilst looking, we tend to look for our idea of what we want, which can stop us seeing the real person we could click with. In any case, I think the vibe some women give off when they are "looking" either sort of labels them as easy - which is why they attract men who want to use them, or else "wanting too much." Which may be why some guys get scared and run!

For men, or for me anyway, if I am actively "looking," I think I seem too desperate or too needy for the same reasons. But when I am either happily part of a couple, or just breezing along happy with life, not looking for anything in particular, but open to whoever I may meet, then women seem to find me attractive, and I find I can see them for themselves, rather than for some imagined ideal.

Because when you are really looking to meet someone there is a tendency to think someone is more compatible than they really are. So it all seems great to start with, and then you wonder why it never works out. It's because without knowing it, instead of getting to know someone, we fill in all the things we don't yet know from sub conscious ideals in our imaginations. We fall for imagined characteristics the real person we are dating doesn't have. I think that's what keeps happening to my woman friend's friend.

In a very superficial way it happened to me yesterday. I was in the park when I saw a beautiful woman walking towards me about a hundred yards away. Her orange running singlet and calf length black leggings caught my eye. Only someone gorgeous could carry off an outfit like that. Athletic, great figure, bare arms, sexy long legs. I really wanted to walk past her and smile. But as she got closer and closer, my eyesight took over from my imagination, and she wasn't nearly so attractive in reality. In fact now I was really seeing her, I didn't fancy her at all. I had imagined most of her without even knowing I was doing it.......

marysia4u 63F
15315 posts
6/16/2017 3:51 pm

An excellent post, and so very true.


BunSlapper 54M  
20 posts
6/16/2017 4:24 pm



wink wink .... hugs


LiveLifeDoU 64F  
2176 posts
6/16/2017 4:25 pm

Hmmmm men are very visual humans....perhaps this not so attractive lady was your exact match on the inside....but I guess you will never know. I know that sounds critical and I only mean it to be halfway critical because...truly, if looks are important to you, even slightly good looks....then if that's not there, whatever is inside just won't make up the difference, I guess.

but on the rest of your post...I think that when we aren't 'looking', hopefully it's because we are, at the very least, ok with our lives at the moment. It could be that we are resigned to our fate...I hope not, though I have been in that state of mind a few times...but if we are at least ok with our lives, perhaps even quite happy and hence are not actively 'looking'....that attitude does come through and I think perhaps that's why things tend to happen when we aren't 'looking'. People are attracted to happy people.

Good luck with your search!


proud2Baslut4u 47F
12 posts
6/16/2017 5:15 pm

I believe you may be a genius! This post is so true!


porterpiper1 52F
3762 posts
6/16/2017 8:54 pm

some people have to have a mate in their life, because of this fairytale lifestyle we are told through out our life. You are not a complete woman without a man in your life, a man is a dog if he keep dating different women and don't settle down with one, sometimes we do overlook the right one for us because we are living by society perfect woman or man, and I believe not every woman or man want to be married or in a long term relationship


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/17/2017 1:33 am

    Quoting marysia4u:
    An excellent post, and so very true.


Hiya, good to see you, and thanks.


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/17/2017 1:34 am

Thanks....I think......


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/17/2017 1:44 am

    Quoting LiveLifeDoU:
    Hmmmm men are very visual humans....perhaps this not so attractive lady was your exact match on the inside....but I guess you will never know. I know that sounds critical and I only mean it to be halfway critical because...truly, if looks are important to you, even slightly good looks....then if that's not there, whatever is inside just won't make up the difference, I guess.

    but on the rest of your post...I think that when we aren't 'looking', hopefully it's because we are, at the very least, ok with our lives at the moment. It could be that we are resigned to our fate...I hope not, though I have been in that state of mind a few times...but if we are at least ok with our lives, perhaps even quite happy and hence are not actively 'looking'....that attitude does come through and I think perhaps that's why things tend to happen when we aren't 'looking'. People are attracted to happy people.

    Good luck with your search!
Really good points - I think you are right, most people are attracted to happy people, and it shows when what you are really looking for is someone to stop you feeling bad.

Incidentally, although I agree it is commonly thought that men are more visually orientated than men, I am not sure I am typical in that respect. If I was I think I would deserve your half criticism. I suppose it does matter, but I tend to use looks more as an attempt at a shortcut to what is inside - people do give away a lot of information about their personality in the way they present themselves. I don't only fall in love because of the way someone looks. The example from the park the other day was only included as a bit of fun, and to explain my point about the potentially illusions of something not seen or known clearly. I wasn't actually looking to meet the woman I saw, and I totally agree with you that if you are too focussed on looks you can miss what is inside. I was just trying to use the effect of visual distance to give an example of how easy it is to imagine what we think we are looking for in a person.


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/17/2017 1:46 am

    Quoting proud2Baslut4u:
    I believe you may be a genius! This post is so true!
Well I wouldn't go that far, lol....but it is very kind of you to say so!


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/17/2017 2:02 am

    Quoting porterpiper1:
    some people have to have a mate in their life, because of this fairytale lifestyle we are told through out our life. You are not a complete woman without a man in your life, a man is a dog if he keep dating different women and don't settle down with one, sometimes we do overlook the right one for us because we are living by society perfect woman or man, and I believe not every woman or man want to be married or in a long term relationship
Oh yes, I agree Porter, and I must apologise for the implied assumption in my post that everyone is looking, or should be looking, for a life partner. That was very short sighted of me. Of course, that was what the post was about, because the people I was writing about are looking for life partners. And I think many of us like to have a life partner because is really does suit us, not just because of a fairytale we have been told. (Although I agree many people are also affected by that. )

But that doesn't mean I think there is anything wrong with other relationship lifestyles, and of course a woman can be complete without a man in her life. No one has to only date one person and settle down. That's exactly the attitude I think my friend's friend should take. Be complete on your own, whether you feel you want a partner or not. And I would never criticise her or anyone else for having lots of short relationships. It's just that she would rather find someone long term, and at the moment it isn't working for her.

Great to see a comment from you here by the way, I hope you'll come by again soon.


oldhabits88 33F  
166 posts
6/19/2017 8:52 am

Still "not" looking, lol. Just having fun in the meantime though. And I think you're right. When I was searching for the "the one" I'd make such small characteristics and habits grandiose in my mind so he'd be "the one" I never looked at the whole picture when it came to the guys I was with. It clouded my judgement and then I'd get in over my head about how much I like this guy when I didn really KNOW him in his entirety.


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/19/2017 1:06 pm

    Quoting oldhabits88:
    Still "not" looking, lol. Just having fun in the meantime though. And I think you're right. When I was searching for the "the one" I'd make such small characteristics and habits grandiose in my mind so he'd be "the one" I never looked at the whole picture when it came to the guys I was with. It clouded my judgement and then I'd get in over my head about how much I like this guy when I didn really KNOW him in his entirety.
Hey there. Thanks for inspiring the train of thought. No harm in having fun in the meantime, lol. In fact that was already going to be the theme of my next post, as a result of something Porterpiper wrote.

I really hope that you get your life just how you want it to be.......and then someone who really is "the one," (someone you could even get hooked on and never have to have any side effects or withdrawal symptoms, ) comes along and throws everything up in the air again in the best possible way!


Violette001 47F
4466 posts
6/21/2017 10:34 am

"But It's more that whilst looking, we tend to look for our idea of what we want, which can stop us seeing the real person we could click with. In any case, I think the vibe some women give off when they are "looking" either sort of labels them as easy - which is why they attract men who want to use them, or else "wanting too much." Which may be why some guys get scared and run!"

Ok... you're officially the resident psychologist now. You should've told me this 20 years ago! lol

Have you watched the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 yet? there was one a scene in which this alien guy, is telling this alien girl that she's ugly. But she isn't, and he is. well, you do get used to him, so he's not really ugly either, but she's pretty right off the bat. At any rate, he tells her, that it's actually a good thing to be ugly, because then, you know for sure that those who are your friends, and who claim to love you, truly do, but if you're attractive, you'll never really know for sure if you're truly loved.

And that, although it was all meant to be amusing, to me, it felt like it had a lot of truth to it, being on the unattractive side of the spectrum, i've often wondered, how things would've been different if i'd been more attractive. I still wonder, because i know, i totally judge people by their looks. When a man is out of shape, it's harder for me to excuse him, than a woman with a bunch of kids in tow... you know, she has a physical reason for being out of shape. Plus, men have it so much easier to keep themselves in good shape because of higher metabolisms and more muscle mass, etc etc. So... if an out of shape, less than attractive person like myself can be so judgmental of someone else's physical appearance... i imagine it must be really really hard not to judge by looks for someone who looks good!

I believe i got derailed somewhere along the way there. but one of the things i told myself i was being superficial about, before i got married, was the fact that i noticed that i wasn't attracted to him on a physical level. I should've listened to myself.

"Do not put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"
--Author Unknown



hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/22/2017 9:18 am

    Quoting Violette001:
    "But It's more that whilst looking, we tend to look for our idea of what we want, which can stop us seeing the real person we could click with. In any case, I think the vibe some women give off when they are "looking" either sort of labels them as easy - which is why they attract men who want to use them, or else "wanting too much." Which may be why some guys get scared and run!"

    Ok... you're officially the resident psychologist now. You should've told me this 20 years ago! lol

    Have you watched the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 yet? there was one a scene in which this alien guy, is telling this alien girl that she's ugly. But she isn't, and he is. well, you do get used to him, so he's not really ugly either, but she's pretty right off the bat. At any rate, he tells her, that it's actually a good thing to be ugly, because then, you know for sure that those who are your friends, and who claim to love you, truly do, but if you're attractive, you'll never really know for sure if you're truly loved.

    And that, although it was all meant to be amusing, to me, it felt like it had a lot of truth to it, being on the unattractive side of the spectrum, i've often wondered, how things would've been different if i'd been more attractive. I still wonder, because i know, i totally judge people by their looks. When a man is out of shape, it's harder for me to excuse him, than a woman with a bunch of kids in tow... you know, she has a physical reason for being out of shape. Plus, men have it so much easier to keep themselves in good shape because of higher metabolisms and more muscle mass, etc etc. So... if an out of shape, less than attractive person like myself can be so judgmental of someone else's physical appearance... i imagine it must be really really hard not to judge by looks for someone who looks good!

    I believe i got derailed somewhere along the way there. but one of the things i told myself i was being superficial about, before i got married, was the fact that i noticed that i wasn't attracted to him on a physical level. I should've listened to myself.
I like it when you get derailed, it makes me smile!

Always listen to yourself.

I personally think there are other ways to tell whether you are genuinely loved.

Also, I think it is a bad idea to be resentful or suspicious of being loved for how you look. I don't really mind why I am loved, as long as I am. I certainly do not want to be loved only for my mind and nothing else. There are lots of little quirky bit about me, and I like the idea of being loved for those parts too.

I don't suppose there are many women who would react any better to being told - "I love you awfully much, even though you look awful," any more than they want to hear "you're pretty dumb, but you are damn pretty."


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
6/22/2017 9:23 am

    Quoting rainbowsox:
    Neither of us. Were looking
    Our friends were. Looking on our behalf
    For that. We are eternally grateful!

    Had I been looking. I would've been too afraid. To approach E'
    Fearing she was either. Straight. Or straight outta my league

    Reading the reply's
    Why should anyone ever. Apologize. For having a physical type?
    I think that's. Total bullshit. And an unfair criticism
    I prefer Fruity Pebbles. To Wheaties
    Should I not buy them? Is it shallow of me? I can't help my preferences
    The key. Do my preferences. Prefer me?
    Luckily. She does!

    Love,
    H'
I agree, you can't help having preferences. But I think it is a good idea not to pre-judge. I once fell in love with a woman I had corresponded with, before I saw a picture of her. When I did, she didn't look anything like what I would normally consider my "type", but we had already begun to really like each other anyway. After a while I began to notice women who were her sort of shape and think, "wow, she looks hot." I kind of temporarily converted myself to like women who looked like her, lol.

If you think about it, thinking E was out of your league was just as much a false prejudice as worrying too much about whether someone is the right "type" or the right background. As it turned out, she wasn't out of your league. Thank goodness - otherwise you and I wouldn't know each other!


KItkat1415 57F
19782 posts
7/18/2017 2:31 pm

Well this is my first comment over here.
I like the post. My perspective being a bit different because I am polyamorous means that anyone who seems to be a serial monogamist (so many 3 month relationships in a few years), I would suggest they look to why they prefer monogamy and perhaps consider thinking about polyamory.

Not that I am trying to convert people, but honestly, many do not realize that they do not want a primary partner and would prefer more than one. Or that they want a primary partner who doesn't necessarily fulfill all the roles they would like a lover to fill (pun intended?) and need more lovers in their life.

In reading the comments on this post, I have to make a comment about attractiveness. I have been called attractive, but I grew up near Hollywood and in my young adulthood made friends with some somewhat famous people who are otherworldy attractive compared to my more common attractiveness. Did that make sense? Anyway, I know what beautiful looks like and I am not that. Some people would be attracted to me solely on my attractiveness but being the person that I am, I can see through it when someone is just all about the attractiveness of another or wanting to be seen as part of the "golden couple" that pervades so many smaller social groups.

kk

The observant make the best lovers,
I may not do right, but I do write,
I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life,
Kitkat
Come check out my blog
KItkat1415
check out this post by me
Adventures In Body Grooming
#39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath
If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
7/18/2017 3:37 pm

    Quoting KItkat1415:
    Well this is my first comment over here.
    I like the post. My perspective being a bit different because I am polyamorous means that anyone who seems to be a serial monogamist (so many 3 month relationships in a few years), I would suggest they look to why they prefer monogamy and perhaps consider thinking about polyamory.

    Not that I am trying to convert people, but honestly, many do not realize that they do not want a primary partner and would prefer more than one. Or that they want a primary partner who doesn't necessarily fulfill all the roles they would like a lover to fill (pun intended?) and need more lovers in their life.

    In reading the comments on this post, I have to make a comment about attractiveness. I have been called attractive, but I grew up near Hollywood and in my young adulthood made friends with some somewhat famous people who are otherworldy attractive compared to my more common attractiveness. Did that make sense? Anyway, I know what beautiful looks like and I am not that. Some people would be attracted to me solely on my attractiveness but being the person that I am, I can see through it when someone is just all about the attractiveness of another or wanting to be seen as part of the "golden couple" that pervades so many smaller social groups.

    kk
That's a really good point about polyamory Kitkat. But the trouble with polyamory, (as I who have never tried it see it ) is that it requires more than one set of people to fully embrace it - as opposed to one person wanting it and the others just going along with it - before it can work well. And I think in the kind of mainstream society this particular friend, (and of course I myself) are part of, open polyamory would simply not be considered acceptable, even if we thought of it, and wanted to try it. It is something I have wondered about myself, but certainly in my case, though I don't know how it would apply to my friend's friend, I like the idea as a fantasy, but for a number of reasons I don't think it would suit me in real life.

As to attractiveness, yes, I get what you mean about otherworldly attractive. The kind of people who look pretty great in films, but who, were we to be face to face with them in real life, would render us speechless with amazement. It's the same with people who have real charisma. The whole room is captivated the moment they walk in. Weird, but I have seen it happen. I am glad to hear that you are "common attractive," I think that is good enough for most of us. I can remember a couple of girlfriends of mine who I started out thinking were common attractive, and who, after I had fallen in love with them, could leave me pretty speechless now and then!

But joking aside, I can imagine that seeing too many people simply wanting an "attractive" partner for the sake of appearances would be extremely depressing. I think we could all do well to accept that we will be attracted to whoever we are attracted to, and not worry too much about the reasons for it, or what other people are going to think!


KItkat1415 57F
19782 posts
7/18/2017 4:58 pm

HD,
To continue this conversation-
You said : But the trouble with polyamory, (as I who have never tried it see it ) is that it requires more than one set of people to fully embrace it - as opposed to one person wanting it and the others just going along with it - before it can work well.

Me: Yes, this is so true. You really need to identify as poly (which is the capability of maintaining more than one love with sexual component relationship at a time) and really only maintain relationships with other poly people. When I say "identify" I mean to say that it is so not accepted in most society that we actually walk as a group in the LBGTQA Parade because it is hard for people to come out to their families. My father could not, at 87, understand that I can have more than one sexual relationship going and be truthful about it with my partners and they in turn are also truthful to me.

You said: I can remember a couple of girlfriends of mine who I started out thinking were common attractive, and who, after I had fallen in love with them, could leave me pretty speechless now and then!

Me: I completely agree. My ex-husband and father of my children was like that to me. I thought of him as moderately handsome but at one point, I thought he was the most attractive man I had ever been out with. Recently during our son's high school graduation, I realized that he has not aged well (and I suppose I have not, either) and in the photos, I see only a middle aged man who is just common enough looking.

And whilst on OKStupid, I got contacted by someone who I now am great friends with, but I am older than he was looking. He had contacted me and I freely said that I was older than he was and was not exaggerating my age at all. He said, that was all right because I was "attractive enough and would make him look good, should we be seen in public". That kind of took me aback. He is very nice and I cannot imagine what he was thinking about baldly telling me that. He is now seeing someone who is overweight and not all that good-looking but he seems quite taken with her and I am glad that he has gotten over that phase he was in.

kk

The observant make the best lovers,
I may not do right, but I do write,
I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life,
Kitkat
Come check out my blog
KItkat1415
check out this post by me
Adventures In Body Grooming
#39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath
If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40


hotdreamer1000 59M
11612 posts
7/19/2017 10:02 am

You: He said I "would make him look good in public."
Me: Yeouch! Run!
You: He seems quite taken with her.
Me: It is amazing, (in a really good way) how having deep feelings for someone can change how attractive they appear to you.
You: You have to identify as Poly.
Me: Okay, yes, I see how that would probably be necessary. Also difficult for some of us. I suppose I mean me. Not just because of what people might think. Even if I thought I could feel okay about it, and I don't think I could. If I loved a woman who was poly, I think I could accept that. In fact I very nearly have done exactly that once or twice. But in the end I don't think I want to be loved by, or love, someone I can't be always there for. I usually find......or have occasionally found, that if I am with a woman who completely gets my slight fantasy of being allowed to be poly, and doesn't feel threatened by it, then I fall in love with her and neither need or want anyone else.


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