The Death Rattle!!  

hotmamamm 44F  
11406 posts
8/29/2017 9:54 am
The Death Rattle!!


Hello Friends,
I posted this over a year ago and deleted it. I regret that. As you know I have been talking about how I am recreating my blog format. One of the sections I will be adding is personal stories about me. What I have lived through. Yes I know this site is sex related however I find it therapeutical and I will use my outlet the way I see fit. Afterall this blog represents me not just the exhibitionist. Thanks for letting me share everyone!

THE DEATH RATTLE

The death rattle. The most horrifying sound that echoes in my mind. I hear it in my nightmares as I relive watching my mother gasp for her last breath. Even though she was flatlined. A flood of emotions overwelmed me. The fairytale ending was crushed by reality.I stepped outside and looked within as I watched our life rewind to my very first memory. November 1, 1981. I was six. I was dressed up as Lemon Meringue as I was scavengering through my halloween candy. I noticed my mother was crying. I could not comprehend what was going on. She was also unaware of my presence. I continued to walk down the hall to see my sister.Her name is Lindsey. She was two months old. To this day I will say she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. She was laying there so peaceful and calm. I loved to watch her sleep. I remember hugging and kissing her. I adored her . That is when my Mom walked in with a police officer. I can still remember the look in her eyes. She was scared. She was terrified. She was acting hysterical. This is the first time I have seen her act this way. It was not going to be the last. My sister passed away the night before. That was my first life altering moment. I truly believe I lost more than my sister that day. I also lost my mother. Her mind was cracked. She was never the same. She had post traumatic disorder, depression. self medicated. Also so desperate for love that it did not matter if it was taking away my innocence. She was later diagnosed with Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder. Most of her personalities did not like me. I left home when I was 15 after my family secret. I am ashamed to say this but I hated her. Fast forward my life 22 years later with a lot more history in between. I am in the hospital room as she is on her death bed begging me for forgiveness. I told her I was okay. Truth be told I am not. I told her I understood. I was not telling the truth. I told her I forgave her. That was not true at the time. When I told her these words. I did not tell her for myself. I told her because that is what she needed to hear. I felt empathy. All my hatred turned into sympathy. There was something very familiar in her eyes. She was scared. She was terrified. She was broken. I can not waste my energy being angry anymore. As the puzzle fits together I realized it was not her that I despised. It was the disease. In a way she was just as innocent as I am. How could I not have compassion. Once I was able to separate the two. Forgiving her was easy. Forgiving myself is not. It is Three years later and I think about her everyday. The daydreams of the " what if" possibilities that will never exist. I am filled with guilt, remorse and sadness. I love my mother. I fucking hate the disease. My biggest fear is.. Will it take me??

hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/29/2017 9:54 am


mememe612 50M  
56 posts
8/29/2017 9:58 am

Wow


dreamvisits2014 70M
317 posts
8/29/2017 10:04 am

I am sorry to here what has happened but now you have to move on and yes it is hard. I have had cancer that is incurable but treatable now for 13 years. I live for today because you never know what tomorrow will bring. You are a great young lady and glad to have meant you. Chin up and boobs out and walk proud.


Tmptrzz 57F  
68401 posts
8/29/2017 10:22 am

I am so sorry my friend I lost my little sister to SIDS when she was not even three months old. And I still remember her funeral today I was barely a little over a year old. Its so sad that this happened to you, and your mother, I can't even imagine what you went through as a child..

Just your average every day run of the mill nana here!!!


Story435 71M
2861 posts
8/29/2017 10:51 am

That is very sad for you!
Butch


s2ndegree 60M  
9609 posts
8/29/2017 10:56 am

How does one respond to such a life changing story?Besides feeling like I was punched in the throat and wiping tears from my eyes.I take a moment in silence,wipe more tears and think to myself how can I be so compassionate for someone I don't know or will ever meet?

It's just the way I am I guess.Your story is something that makes any hardship I have ever had to endure like ripping a bandaid off.

Thank you for sharing something so personal.It's not often we as humans get
to see how the lord works at ensuring that your late sister's request that he take care of you for the rest of your life!

Using more than all the road!


HamburgDave2 76M
16567 posts
8/29/2017 11:12 am



Visit my Blog Older but no Wiser and find out more


goodatpoetry2 69M
16571 posts
8/29/2017 11:49 am

What a sad story. . Of course you didn't realize that her illness was at fault and not her.. That's very understandable.
Now you must move on.


rhill4fun 59M
133 posts
8/29/2017 1:13 pm

sorry for you jeanine


Looknfind18 67M  
4005 posts
8/29/2017 1:22 pm

thank you for sharing Jeanie, you are in my thoughts.


dec47 72M
819 posts
8/29/2017 1:30 pm

While it is personally sad for you, know that others have walked along this path that you are on.
You do have an advantage, in that you know it is part of your history and can take steps to check yourself out.
Prayers and blessings to you.


veryfunnycple64 55M/56F  
21782 posts
8/29/2017 3:14 pm

forgiveness takes time....love yourself....love others....it will come!

“Life is available only in the present moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Come and read my blog! Become a watcher!


veryfunnycple64


bigblackman21221 49M
4093 posts
8/29/2017 3:35 pm

Thanks for sharing that.

I hope that whatever way you choose to deal with this works out for you.


citizen4722 62M  
64507 posts
8/29/2017 3:40 pm

My biggest fear is getting Alzheimers. It took hold of my gran, my uncle and more recently, my mother.
I'm just grateful I have many fond memories unlike yourself which must have been extremely hard to take.


Mary022015 63T
82 posts
8/29/2017 3:54 pm

Oh Jeanie, that is such a frank, honest and moving story. You are a wonderful lady with such a beautiful smile. Love and hugs to you xxx


sexydad1167 52M  
1361 posts
8/29/2017 3:56 pm

I have heard that about a lot of personality altering diseases. Addiction to something like Alzheimer's. Hate the disease not the victim. The victim has very little or no control over what the disease does to them and how they act. My Grandfather had Alzheimer's. It destroyed him. he went from the nicest gentlest man i have ever met to someone who was mean and violent. I would watch that and say "that is not my grandfather, that is not the man I loved" As much as it broke my heart, my grandmother who was at the nursing home everyday, it tore her apart. to watch the man she had spent over 70 yrs of her life with fade away. I hate that disease.

Now i am not a doctor but i play one on TV, but if her disease has you this freaked out, have you spoken to someone about it. Are there any tests? You have made it this far in life and none of life's surprises have set you back like your mother so maybe you are all good. We can all keep our fingers crossed for you.


tmacshane26 35M
2092 posts
8/29/2017 4:26 pm

That was a powerful but very sad story Jeanie. I'm so sorry you lost your sister then your mother. My mother has the same traits and a few other ones the doctor has not discussed with her. She tells me everyday she will not live by the end of the year. She keeps getting sicker and sicker by the day. I just thank god she is not lying in a hospital bed right now. I continue to pray for her everyday hoping she beats this.

My prayers are with you too Jeanie.

Happy Tuesday!


Leegs2012 46M
47425 posts
8/29/2017 4:49 pm

Very emotional post my friend. My Aunt had Schizophrenia. That was awful to see and watch. Visits at the sate hospital...a horrible atmosphere. I wish you well through this whole experience... losing family members is hard, especially if things are not going well.. I am sorry for your losses.


wantaplay8 66M
5607 posts
8/29/2017 5:04 pm

Hugs...I kind of know what you feel...I understand the comforting statements for your mom, this would be an act of a compassionate person, you...you were a victim of circumstances, your responses to that are normal...sorting the feelings I don't think we can...I avoid those feelings if I can...your history brings back mine.. Hugs.


AmazgMrC 63M
32 posts
8/29/2017 5:37 pm

Hi Jeanie,
My sincere empathy, and sympathy for your loss of your family.
I recently lost my Aunt to Alzhiemers. I lost my wife to pills and alcohol in 2014. I wanted to die that day. I asked God. What did I do to deserve losing my best friend and my lifetime mate and partner. In 2010 I lost my father to botched surgery. Ended up getting sepsis. By the time the inadequate staff realized what happened. It was to late . I to live with the horror of my dad gasping for his last breath. Since my wife's passing I have been trying to put my life back together. It's not eazy. With that being said, God has a plan for us. We don't know what that is? A good friend of mine and Minister shared something with me. He said, God will never put you in a situation that you can't handle. I am still trying to figure that one out myself. What I do know about you for following your blog now for approximately a year now.
You change people's lives literally. You are the most giving and down to earth classy and undeniably sexist lady that I am proud to be your friend. You have my personal info. I am only a click away.


oldbstrd55 62M  
3116 posts
8/29/2017 7:56 pm

The pain of watching is the most difficult part, It sets in the deepest. My heart goes out to you. I watched my mother die from bone cancer. The pain she endured was extreme. Of course my Christian aunt blamed me for her suffering because I was not a believer. I did not witness the end, my older brother arrived and sent me home, I had seen to much already. My father passed minutes before I arrived and my wife's breathing continued to slow till it stopped, no big breaths, and watched her turn a pale grey before her heart stopped. Memories that will last till our final breath. I've told my kids that no one is allowed to watch me die.


A1driver4 54M
6 posts
8/29/2017 8:18 pm

Thank you for sharing this again (I do remember reading this when you posted it before). That was such a brave thing to post and I think that everyone here would agree that you are an amazing woman.


dreamon78 59M  
1188 posts
8/29/2017 8:29 pm

Granting your mother peace in her final hours was a beautiful and selfless act, even if it was contrary to the feelings in your heart. I have had far too many close friends lose a child and it leaves them with an emptiness and guilt that is unimaginable. I have also seen firsthand the devastating impact it has had on the siblings of the lost child. A home filled with delight is suddenly a place of inescapable sadness that they wrongly feel responsible for not being able to fix.

You were a victim of circumstances that were beyond your control and even your understanding. No child can ever compensate for the loss of a sibling and yet for some reason they all feel an obligation and a guilt for not being able to mend an irreparably broken heart.

It was clear your mother felt tremendous pain for letting her inconsolable grief rob you of the joyful childhood we all deserve. I hope you can find peace in the fact that even though she was never able to overcome her pain, she always knew you deserved better. You had every justification to be bitter and you rose above it and unselfishly granted your mother the eternal peace she could never find here. Hopefully, that tremendous act of love and kindness allows you to find your own peace.

Life's a journey not a destination

Please checkout my blog dreamon78


Tez74r 45M

8/29/2017 9:33 pm

thank you for sharing, not an easy post to read as it touches on things so close to home, as do a lot of the comments. i hope these bring you a little comfort. very touching xx


Horny45152 50M
273 posts
8/30/2017 1:21 am

Thanks for sharing Jeanie....your true friends here understand - this is your blog and you use it how you want. glad i am a friend of yours


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:25 pm


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:27 pm

    Quoting dreamvisits2014:
    I am sorry to here what has happened but now you have to move on and yes it is hard. I have had cancer that is incurable but treatable now for 13 years. I live for today because you never know what tomorrow will bring. You are a great young lady and glad to have meant you. Chin up and boobs out and walk proud.
My chin is always up. I have to be selective of when my boobs are out..LOL Thank you for the kind words.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:27 pm

    Quoting  :

It is sad but like you stated a part of life. Thank you for listening!!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:32 pm

    Quoting Tmptrzz:
    I am so sorry my friend I lost my little sister to SIDS when she was not even three months old. And I still remember her funeral today I was barely a little over a year old. Its so sad that this happened to you, and your mother, I can't even imagine what you went through as a child..
Thank you. I am sorry for your loss as well.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:33 pm

    Quoting Story435:
    That is very sad for you!
    Butch
It was but in a way I feel like it developed who I am as a person. Thank you for commenting Butch!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:37 pm

    Quoting s2ndegree:
    How does one respond to such a life changing story?Besides feeling like I was punched in the throat and wiping tears from my eyes.I take a moment in silence,wipe more tears and think to myself how can I be so compassionate for someone I don't know or will ever meet?

    It's just the way I am I guess.Your story is something that makes any hardship I have ever had to endure like ripping a bandaid off.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal.It's not often we as humans get
    to see how the lord works at ensuring that your late sister's request that he take care of you for the rest of your life!
Such kind words. Thank you. The personal posts are always the most challenging however they seem to be the most fullfilling. I appreciate you listening!!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:38 pm

Thank you Dave!!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:39 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you. That is very kind of you to say! I appreciate you listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:43 pm

    Quoting goodatpoetry2:
    What a sad story. . Of course you didn't realize that her illness was at fault and not her.. That's very understandable.
    Now you must move on.
Yes. Sometimes I wish I could just forget it would make it a lot easier. Thank you for commenting goodatpoetry.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:44 pm

    Quoting balooint:
    I remember when you posted it. Sad then and sad now.

    Always thinking of you love!
Thank you so much balliont!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:46 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you it was a hard piece to write. The main thing I worry about is depression not anything else. I appreciate your comment!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:47 pm

    Quoting Digiduder:
    I am so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing it, though.

    My relationship with my father was horrible at the time. Now, I can come to grasp with it. I understand that all of us are broken and damaged in ways others, and sometimes ourselves, never know. A lot of our actions come from that state and are reactions to that pain.
I appreciate you listening. I also agree with your statement.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:48 pm

Thank you rhill. It has made me quite strong!!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:49 pm

    Quoting Looknfind18:
    thank you for sharing Jeanie, you are in my thoughts.
Thank you for listening Lookn


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:50 pm

    Quoting dec47:
    While it is personally sad for you, know that others have walked along this path that you are on.
    You do have an advantage, in that you know it is part of your history and can take steps to check yourself out.
    Prayers and blessings to you.
Thank you dec. I appreciate your kind words!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/30/2017 9:54 pm

    Quoting veryfunnycple64:
    forgiveness takes time....love yourself....love others....it will come!
Thank you..It is a daily thing. I appreciate you commenting!


dan_nl_2006 37M
1116 posts
8/31/2017 6:08 pm

I think you did the right thing by sharing this post. It is sad to see someone so beautiful, so lovely and so innocent go. But in the end we all have to go back. I am sure baby sister in haven.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:41 pm

    Quoting bigblackman21221:
    Thanks for sharing that.

    I hope that whatever way you choose to deal with this works out for you.
Thank you for listening!!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:44 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    My biggest fear is getting Alzheimers. It took hold of my gran, my uncle and more recently, my mother.
    I'm just grateful I have many fond memories unlike yourself which must have been extremely hard to take.
In life we have to fear many things. It is so sad to witness this with loved ones. All we can do is live life and hope for the best. Thank you for commenting citizen.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:44 pm

    Quoting Mary022015:
    Oh Jeanie, that is such a frank, honest and moving story. You are a wonderful lady with such a beautiful smile. Love and hugs to you xxx
Thank you so much sweet friend. Hugs to you as well


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:46 pm

    Quoting sexydad1167:
    I have heard that about a lot of personality altering diseases. Addiction to something like Alzheimer's. Hate the disease not the victim. The victim has very little or no control over what the disease does to them and how they act. My Grandfather had Alzheimer's. It destroyed him. he went from the nicest gentlest man i have ever met to someone who was mean and violent. I would watch that and say "that is not my grandfather, that is not the man I loved" As much as it broke my heart, my grandmother who was at the nursing home everyday, it tore her apart. to watch the man she had spent over 70 yrs of her life with fade away. I hate that disease.

    Now i am not a doctor but i play one on TV, but if her disease has you this freaked out, have you spoken to someone about it. Are there any tests? You have made it this far in life and none of life's surprises have set you back like your mother so maybe you are all good. We can all keep our fingers crossed for you.
It is such a hard thing to watch but yes you are right it is the desease not the person. Thank you for listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:46 pm

    Quoting tmacshane26:
    That was a powerful but very sad story Jeanie. I'm so sorry you lost your sister then your mother. My mother has the same traits and a few other ones the doctor has not discussed with her. She tells me everyday she will not live by the end of the year. She keeps getting sicker and sicker by the day. I just thank god she is not lying in a hospital bed right now. I continue to pray for her everyday hoping she beats this.

    My prayers are with you too Jeanie.

    Happy Tuesday!
Thank you. I am sorry for your pain as well.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:48 pm

    Quoting Leegs2012:
    Very emotional post my friend. My Aunt had Schizophrenia. That was awful to see and watch. Visits at the sate hospital...a horrible atmosphere. I wish you well through this whole experience... losing family members is hard, especially if things are not going well.. I am sorry for your losses.
Thank you so much . I am sorry for your pain with your aunt as well. It is a hard part of life. I appreciate you listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:49 pm

    Quoting wantaplay8:
    Hugs...I kind of know what you feel...I understand the comforting statements for your mom, this would be an act of a compassionate person, you...you were a victim of circumstances, your responses to that are normal...sorting the feelings I don't think we can...I avoid those feelings if I can...your history brings back mine.. Hugs.
I always have avoided those feelings as well. In order to heal I feel like I need to face them. It is not fun..LOL Thank you for listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:51 pm

    Quoting AmazgMrC:
    Hi Jeanie,
    My sincere empathy, and sympathy for your loss of your family.
    I recently lost my Aunt to Alzhiemers. I lost my wife to pills and alcohol in 2014. I wanted to die that day. I asked God. What did I do to deserve losing my best friend and my lifetime mate and partner. In 2010 I lost my father to botched surgery. Ended up getting sepsis. By the time the inadequate staff realized what happened. It was to late . I to live with the horror of my dad gasping for his last breath. Since my wife's passing I have been trying to put my life back together. It's not eazy. With that being said, God has a plan for us. We don't know what that is? A good friend of mine and Minister shared something with me. He said, God will never put you in a situation that you can't handle. I am still trying to figure that one out myself. What I do know about you for following your blog now for approximately a year now.
    You change people's lives literally. You are the most giving and down to earth classy and undeniably sexist lady that I am proud to be your friend. You have my personal info. I am only a click away.
Thank you so much sweet friend.I appreciate you sharing your story. Such a strong person you are. hugs your way


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:53 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you so much longago. The what if mind games are the worse. I appreciate you listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:53 pm

    Quoting  :

Thank you so much mrscott. I appreciate your kind words!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:55 pm

    Quoting oldbstrd55:
    The pain of watching is the most difficult part, It sets in the deepest. My heart goes out to you. I watched my mother die from bone cancer. The pain she endured was extreme. Of course my Christian aunt blamed me for her suffering because I was not a believer. I did not witness the end, my older brother arrived and sent me home, I had seen to much already. My father passed minutes before I arrived and my wife's breathing continued to slow till it stopped, no big breaths, and watched her turn a pale grey before her heart stopped. Memories that will last till our final breath. I've told my kids that no one is allowed to watch me die.
Thank you. My heart goes out to you as well. I do not want my kids to experience this as well. It makes me sad.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 6:56 pm

    Quoting A1driver4:
    Thank you for sharing this again (I do remember reading this when you posted it before). That was such a brave thing to post and I think that everyone here would agree that you are an amazing woman.
Thank you so much. That is a very sweet thing for you to say.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 7:00 pm

    Quoting dreamon78:
    Granting your mother peace in her final hours was a beautiful and selfless act, even if it was contrary to the feelings in your heart. I have had far too many close friends lose a child and it leaves them with an emptiness and guilt that is unimaginable. I have also seen firsthand the devastating impact it has had on the siblings of the lost child. A home filled with delight is suddenly a place of inescapable sadness that they wrongly feel responsible for not being able to fix.

    You were a victim of circumstances that were beyond your control and even your understanding. No child can ever compensate for the loss of a sibling and yet for some reason they all feel an obligation and a guilt for not being able to mend an irreparably broken heart.

    It was clear your mother felt tremendous pain for letting her inconsolable grief rob you of the joyful childhood we all deserve. I hope you can find peace in the fact that even though she was never able to overcome her pain, she always knew you deserved better. You had every justification to be bitter and you rose above it and unselfishly granted your mother the eternal peace she could never find here. Hopefully, that tremendous act of love and kindness allows you to find your own peace.
Thank you so much. Such thoughtful words I do appreciate it. I loved her very much I just wish I would have been more educated with the desease when she was alive. I would have done things different,


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 7:00 pm

    Quoting Tez74r:
    thank you for sharing, not an easy post to read as it touches on things so close to home, as do a lot of the comments. i hope these bring you a little comfort. very touching xx
Thank you so much Tez


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 7:01 pm

    Quoting Horny45152:
    Thanks for sharing Jeanie....your true friends here understand - this is your blog and you use it how you want. glad i am a friend of yours
Thank you for listening Tools I appreciate that!!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 7:03 pm

    Quoting OlderWiser1959:
    I am so sorry for what you have been through. I cannot imagine how things must have been for you. So much for the young mind to comprehend. You have done very well to become the wonderful person you are.
Thank you. It has made me a stronger person. I appreciate you listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 7:05 pm

    Quoting  :

I am so sorry for your lost. I find our mind to be a powerful force. The thoughts of the what if possibilities are hard to overcome. Great to see you again Thank you for listening!


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
8/31/2017 7:05 pm

    Quoting dan_nl_2006:
    I think you did the right thing by sharing this post. It is sad to see someone so beautiful, so lovely and so innocent go. But in the end we all have to go back. I am sure baby sister in haven.
Thank you so much dan ni


wellhung8inch4 57M
100 posts
8/31/2017 9:35 pm

Jeanie,
I thought you had me won over by your incredible beauty and your incredible sexiness. This post opens up a whole new way that I see you.....I admire you for what you have gone through and how you view yourself. you are an amazing woman, never ever think less than that about yourself!


dukelacross717 31M
4 posts
11/7/2017 8:16 am

Wow you are just so damn sexy. I'd love to pound that pussy with this Big Black Cock.


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
1/6/2018 4:04 pm

    Quoting wellhung8inch4:
    Jeanie,
    I thought you had me won over by your incredible beauty and your incredible sexiness. This post opens up a whole new way that I see you.....I admire you for what you have gone through and how you view yourself. you are an amazing woman, never ever think less than that about yourself!
Thank you so much. This was a very hard topic to post. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Happy weekend to you sexy friend


hotmamamm 44F  
15855 posts
1/6/2018 4:07 pm

    Quoting dukelacross717:
    Wow you are just so damn sexy. I'd love to pound that pussy with this Big Black Cock.
. Naughty!


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