Ramblings of the depraved.....
 
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2020 4:57 pm
204536 Views
0 Comments , 55 Pending
The Birthday Gift
Posted:Nov 23, 2020 11:02 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2020 4:44 am
446 Views
Birthdays in the age of COVID....

The Spawn's little friend had a birthday today, but because of COVID, they had a 'virtual' birthday party.

WTF?!?

Most bizarre thing I've ever experienced.... Personally, I think it was an easy way to get gifts for a without having to them yourself, as, we still had to drop by the house to drop off the gift even though there were no actual birthday party events included.



And, because I'm that person that can get lost trying to find a Dollar General in a one store town, I had to call the parents to get directions to their home.

Planning to just plug an address into my GPS, I was thrown off a bit when the dad actually started giving me directions.

"Head east on M-32 until you get to...."

What was happening here? East?!? Is that toward Joburg or Elmira...

Ugh!

"Hold on, just a sec. I'm driving, I thought you were going to give me your address so I have my GPS set up on my car's navigation screen."

"GPS? You don't need that, the house is really easy to find...." You just drive here, turn here, head up this road a quarter of a mile...

Is he on crack??

I might as well be following the constellations.

Don't ask how I did it, but I did manage to find the house to drop off the gift.

Both Spawns excited, cheerfully laughing through the screen door as we dropped the gift off on the porch, virtual party already underway with my Spawn attending on her phone.

I consider this one a WIN for today.

Happy Monday!
11 Comments
Aluminum Can Shortage
Posted:Nov 23, 2020 3:48 am
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2020 3:37 am
667 Views

Um.... Wait... What?!?

It appears there is a new shortage on the horizon for Northern Michigan.

Fantastic...

Not only are we brawling over toilet paper, we can't with cash unless we have exact change, but we are now faced with a shortage of aluminum cans as a result of COVID related consumption and inability recycle during the shut down.

Looks like it's glass bottled beer for from here on out...

That is, until there's a shortage of glass, created by the aluminum can shortage.
36 Comments
Hey, Mrs. Wolowitz! Shut the Fuck Up!!
Posted:Nov 22, 2020 2:35 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2020 4:16 pm
799 Views

The longer I live above the Downstairs Nightmares... the more I realize I can't fucking stand them.

I was sleeping pretty sound last night when the sound of hands drumming on the windowsill downstairs woke up.

"JACK! JACK! I need help getting up!"

What the hell?!? I lay there and listened to her yell for what seemed like an eternity when I realized...

I'm living above Mrs. Wolowitz. The only thing missing was her yelling about sex criminals.

Although, I must say, her husband kind of looks like one.... No need to fear them at the door when you're living with one.

I ended up getting up and heading out into the living room, hoping for a little break from the circus, only, it followed me out to the living room. Before I knew it, there was crashing and banging in the kitchen below me and the garbage disposal was going.

Really???

No rest for the weary they say... Or is it the wicked?? Either way, I probably fall into both categories. Lately I feel as though I'm going to hell in a handbasket.

A handbasket without a drink carrier and my fountain pop has spilled all over the front of my shirt.....
29 Comments
The Emotional Manipulator
Posted:Nov 21, 2020 6:15 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2020 3:51 am
832 Views

We all have that Sad Sack coworker has had endure every hard luck story imaginable...

Our Sad Sack transferred to our store about a month ago and works for Nose Hairs.

We had done a company luncheon a few weeks ago and she had complained to that we didn't have a vegan option.

While I sympathized with her, I did tell her that we had a budget to work within and we were using local restaurants that may or may not have vegan options available to us. It was her choice to participate with what food options we had available or choose not to.

I always make sure is a salad option for the employees as we have people with gluten intolerance, allergies, and other dietary restrictions.... So she did not have to go without.

It was after the fact that I was talking with Nose Hairs and he had filled in on her self proclaimed emotional journey....

Abusive husband, no , to feed and support....

I told him to beware, he didn't want to get wrapped up in her 'feel sorry for ' web.

He looked at like I was heartless and said he couldn't help but feel sorry for her, it sounded like she was struggling.

She had him hooked!

I've seen this girl before.... She'll cry because she needs hours but she'll call in all the time. You'll work miracles make her availability fit into the schedule you're writing but then she'll cry because real life has suddenly happened and she has to miss a day for a doctor's appointment. You'll feel bad for her because her rent is late and she's turned on the water works but she refused to work any extra hours because she can't work past sundown on Friday night due to her religion.

I just smiled, said I didn't feel sorry for people like that, and walked away knowing full well this story was going to come full circle.

And, it did.

Imagine my lack of surprise when Nose Hairs came to me, yesterday, complaining the Sad Sack wasn't going to be coming to work at all and he wasn't going to feel sorry for her anymore because she didn't have any .

"So, [Sad Sack] just texted . She over slept. Apparently she's decided to just not come in at all."

"It's like 2 o'clock. What time was she scheduled?"

"That's not the point. She overslept?? So, she's not coming in at all?? It doesn't get dark out until 5. She's always crying because she's broke, she could be working some hours."

I knew she was scheduled at 6am and probably didn't call in at all, just deciding to Nose Hairs cover her bases.

"Why does matter if 's dark?"

"Because of her stupid religion, remember? She can't work past dark on Friday's."

"You realize she's got you wrapped. You just allowed her get out of an improper call in and she left you short. She knows you're going let this stuff happen so she's now working her angles."

He just looked at me... But was like a light went on in his head.

He knew I was right.

"You said this was going happen, and, you were right...."

Here's the thing. really is no difference between Sad Sack and I other than what we've chosen do with our life.

Sad Sack relies on emotional manipulation and pity survive, always looking for someone 'take care of her'.

I know this type of person well as this was my mother.

I learned very early on that this was NOT the life I was going live. I knew that if I wanted things out of life, I needed make them happen. I needed be smart, I needed be kind, and I needed be able take care of myself because nobody else out probably would.

"
26 Comments
What's that I'm feeling?
Posted:Nov 20, 2020 3:43 am
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2020 2:44 pm
1007 Views

I think it's called.... Emotionally drained.

Between COVID and and work and life, I've lost a little bit of myself. I realized this morning that I found a fucking whisker growing out of my chin yesterday and didn't immediately think...

Damn! WTF is that?? I need BLOG about this monstrous discovery! The world needs know of this horror...

Instead, I plucked it out, wrinkled my nose in disgust at myself in the mirror, and flushed it down the toilet. I didn't even save it to show the Spawn my discovery.

I love to hear her exclaim, " My God Mom!"

So, here I sit this morning. I've already cried a little, my Middle turned 18 today. I now have 2 grown and one Spawn of Satan.

I just woke and already feel exhausted, but I know I have a full day of work ahead of as it's orientation day and I have present a good face for the new peeps.

And, it's the Spawn's weekend at her dad's. I would keep her home, but her birthday was yesterday and her dad deserves get celebrate it with her as well... I already hog the holidays.

So, it's not really a Happy Friday.... But, it is a Friday.

Friday!
28 Comments
What do you do when you find yourself awake in the middle of the night?
Posted:Nov 19, 2020 2:02 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2020 4:17 pm
1300 Views
There are a lot of things I'd like to be doing when I'm awake in the night.

Snuggling with a special someone... Middle of the night sex with a lover... Sleeping!!

But, what do I really find myself doing?

Tonight I found myself listening to 'Man Eater' after calling this crazy hotline number.



Cause, yah! I'm that person who sees this crazy stuff on faceplace and thinks...

I'm trying it!
40 Comments
The Mystical Qualities of the Good Boob Sweater
Posted:Nov 18, 2020 3:40 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2020 2:38 am
1376 Views

Ask any woman and she will agree....

There is one magical, mystical shirt in her wardrobe that just MAKES her look amazing!

For me, it's my Good Boob Sweater.

It clings in all the right places.... Slimming where it needs be slimming... Enhancing where it needs be enhancing....

Boobs? They look fucking PHENOMINAL in this sweater!

Today I wore the Good Boob Sweater.

And, it couldn't have been a better day for it!

I was part way through my day when I got paged to the front.

It was a safety auditor on site for a surprise safety audit.

Fantastic....

I had one thing on my side though.... I was wearing the sweater!

So, I headed up front and met the auditor at the door. I noticed right away that his eyes were drawn to the sweater.

Hard not to notice when all you can see is a person's eyes anymore...

I'm ashamed to say, I totally used his awkward attraction to me in my favor to ace my portion of the safety audit. I was a lil flirty when he was flirty, I laughed when he laughed, I joked around with him when he was pretending to give me a hard time.

And, he was preoccupied so he didn't realize there were a couple of employees who didn't have their required training completed. He 'believed me' when I told him that I had the safety binders for the last 5 years in storage and didn't ask me to pull them out. (I really did have the binders, but it would have been a pain in the ass to find them.) He gave us a break on the current year's safety binder because of COVID.

The miracle sweater strikes again!
41 Comments
Math 101
Posted:Nov 17, 2020 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2020 2:39 am
1519 Views

I'm concerned folks....

I'm concerned that this next generation that is coming up in the world cannot do basic math.

And.... I'm talking basic.

One of my new hires from Monday's orientation class was doing her computer based learning today and she came to me for help.

"Can you help me? I'm afraid I won't pass the test. I'm just not good at making change."

Um, ok.... Making change, I get it, can be kind of tricky.

"Ok, I'm not familiar with that training, but I'm sure I can work my way through it."

I headed into the computer center expecting to see some elaborate story problem that would require a little mental acuity on my part. Fractions.... Carrying.... Rounding up....

Instead I see....

The total purchase comes to $14.75 and the customer hands you a $20. You accidentally tender the sale for $200. How much change should the customer receive?

Before the computer is a sheet of paper with a series of failed attempts to solve this math problem.

None of the answers correct.

Like a deer caught in the headlights, she stared at me expecting me to figure out this problem for her.

"Ok, so, the purchase comes to $14.75. Add a quarter and we are at $15. Add a $5 and we are at $20. So, the total amount due to the customer is $5.25."

"What about the $200. What happens to that?"

"There is no $200, that was an error. Remember? We are only making change for the amount the customer gave us."

"How do you know what to subtract?"

"You should be subtracting the cost of the purchase from the total amount the customer gave you."

"$200"

Remind me to always go through her line when I'm checking out!

Happy Tuesday!
40 Comments
Let's play a little game.
Posted:Nov 16, 2020 3:41 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2020 2:01 pm
1728 Views

We'll call it...

How long can YOU keep a straight face?!?

There are a few things in life that bring out my absolute childish worst...

One of them is farts.

I'm like a grossed out, giggling ... Especially when they're unexpected.

I was talking with a coworker about an upcoming event when, out of the blue, she lets one rip.

I was astounded.

Who does this kind of stuff??? And, how can I possibly continue on with this conversation and pretend nothing just happened????

I stood there for a moment, staring at her, nearly frozen in place...

I tried like hell to hold it in, but I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't stop laughing.

My coworkers face was a million shades of red and I couldn't contain myself long enough to apologize.

Oh good God I wanted to die...

As I'm sure so did she!

I finally managed to eek out an apology but it was too late. The damage was done.

She is now the farter who will always be hiding from me in shame.

We'll just chalk this one up to a Monday.
32 Comments
Who wants to be normal when you can be weird like me?
Posted:Nov 15, 2020 11:14 am
Last Updated:Nov 17, 2020 4:40 pm
1813 Views


The Spawn and I decided to have a girls weekend this weekend.

I write a lot about her crappy teenage attitude and her sharp powers of observation, but I don't really enlighten you all on the fun, wonderful things she does also.

She really is a smart, talented girl...

When she brought home yet ANOTHER report card with all A's, I told her we were going birthday shopping.

Next week is her birthday.

So, off we went..... Petoskey bound, as, that was where she wanted to go.

After hitting a few stores, we were eating our lunch on the waterfront when I asked her...

"Hey! They've got a Goodwill up here. Want to stop at Goodwill?"

"Of course!"

"I just don't understand your fascination with Goodwill."

"Oh my God mom, all you need to know is, it's there."

"Whatever.... It's kind of chilly out here, are you cold? Maybe we should eat in the car."

"Uh, where's your new coat??"

"I bought that for Christmas, I can't wear it until Christmas."

"You aren't going to live that long!"

"What?!? You know something I don't know??"

"I meant, you'll have to start wearing your coat or you're going to die from exposure."

"Awww.... she does love her Momma!"

Groaning from the Spawn.....

"You are SO weird."

"One day, you'll be sitting with your , and you'll be telling her all about your weird mom who liked to hide outside the bathroom and scare you when you opened the door. You'll tell her about all the road trips you took and the sights you saw while she exclaimed over and over 'lets get a picture!'"

"She'll probably think I'm weird too."

"Yep."
22 Comments
Proceed at own risk?!?
Posted:Nov 14, 2020 6:23 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2020 2:54 pm
2097 Views


I've survived murder hornets, brain eating amoebas, mysterious seeds, change shortages, and a health pandemic.

I think I've got this....



Happy Saturday!
19 Comments
Tips and Tricks of successful webinar hosting from Adam, the BCBS Rep in Wisconsin
Posted:Nov 13, 2020 3:47 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2020 3:44 am
2214 Views

Thank you Adam for your inspiration in today's post....

1. Placement is EVERYTHING!

To be successful, you have to have your laptop placed in the middle of the most used room in your house. For added effect, sit directly in front of a sunny window so every move, turn, or change in seated position will cause you to be momentarily whited out until your computer's camera has had an opportunity to zero back in on you. Don't worry.... Your two other coworkers have properly seated themselves with their backs to an artistically decorated wall in their home. We won't be looking at them, all eyes will be on you!

2. Appearance is Key!

Yes, Adam, you are on fleek! Your hair, your sweater... You look as though you stepped off a GQ cover and for that I am grateful. While you can't string words together without saying 'yah', at least I can get lost in your award winning smiling. No Adam, don't bother telling your wife that you are doing a webinar with a hundred other people watching you as she comes and goes behind you, trucking a baby around on her ragged hip looking as though death warmed over. We like to see her greasy hair that is partially in a bun and partially held by a headband. I don't think she'll mind that we can see her mismatched pajamas, either. This really helps us stay invested in your boring assed presentation.

3. Confidentiality is a must!

For the fourth year in a row we are being told our benefits are changing, our method of accessing our BCBS tools are changing, and once again we have a new app. , that's right!! It's not one app now access our tools.... It's two!
Even better.... As frustrating as this is, it really helps to be able to see your presentation and notice you didn't bother to remove ANY of your personal information! Slide by informative slide, we now know where you live, when your wife went to her gynecologist last, and what your baby's birthday is.

4. A truly spectacular end!

Forget the Q&A's.... Leave that to someone else. If you truly want to be remembered for days to come, have your come barreling into the room where you are presenting and jump right that presentation laptop. Nothing quite ends a presentation like the sound of a licking a computer and the crashing noises as it hits the floor before it blacks out. It will leave your audience speechless..... Trust !

And there you have it, folks! The Tips and Tricks a successful BCBS Webinar as hosted by Adam, the Rep from Wisconsin!
20 Comments

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