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| Blogs > VenusRedux2 > Conversing with the Divine |
Men Should Not Pick Up the Check
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Men Should Not Pick Up the Check Don’t pick up the check. However noble the intentions may be, don’t let how you were raised send all the wrong messages. I mentioned this in another post, and it came up again in a comment I made. I personally don’t believe on a site such as this that a guy should pick up the tab with a girl he meets here. I was braced for all kinds of resistance to that. I was applying war paint to my face and preparing myself for battle. I was pleasantly surprised to find some of you guys were already there (just when I thought I was a trendsetter). Seriously, good for you guys! I really mean that. That actually makes me excited. There’s some REAL men here. Men who get it. We need more gentlemen in the world, no doubt about it. Just learn to show it in ways that are appropriate to the situation and relationship. Too many guys were raised on the very strict code of "Gentlemen pick up the tab no matter what, it is just the right thing to do." Look, props for trying to be decent and doing the right thing. However, it is a misguided and antiquated notion. Issue 1: It sends mixed signals This is bf/gf behavior. If that’s what you both want, then go for it. However, in the context of a casual relationship (anything that requires an alphabetical acronym … NSA/FWB/FB/BJnSUV or whatever the hell the current vernacular is), this is a terrible idea. Assuming you met here, you should have already figured out what the expectations are before deciding to meet in person. This is about the worst possible moment to suddenly change course and start sending signals that you want to date instead of hang out and potentially hook up. For one thing, she has to spend a significant part of the evening trying to figure out if this is an accidental misstep on your part, a deliberate signal, or an unconscious tell betraying underlying desires. For another, she has to now figure out how to maneuver things back on track. And she has to do all this while out with you in person without hurting your feelings. Issue 2: It creates pressure for women Listen up: There’s no amount of times you can say you’re not expecting anything in return … there is no magnitude of emphasis that can be added … there is no depth of meaning to be imbued that will eliminate this pressure. There is pressure. Period. For example, there is a Social Contract involved in simply buying a girl a drink. For a guy, he means to convey that he’d like a chance to talk to the girl. Understanding that she doesn’t yet know if he’s worth the time, he ensures that she’s not financially impacted should she not like him. All she stands to lose is a few minutes of her time. For me on the receiving end, it means I am obligated to talk to him for the duration of that drink. He’s not offering me a drink purely out of generosity. I am expected to politely decline the drink if I have no intention of talking to him. So there’s pressure. Plain and simple. Maybe not pressure to sleep with the guy, but pressure nevertheless. That pressure grows and is felt more acutely as the financial and time investment grows. I am expected to respond in ways comparable to his level of investment. Eventually it will grow to the point where women feel pressured into sex. Anything less and I am expected to reject those advances. The only way to remove that pressure is for the guy to either not pay, or go somewhere so cheap where paying is a non-issue (a cup of coffee, for example, I’m not feeling a whole lot of pressure on your investment of a buck fifty). Issue 3: It creates a power imbalance If you set me up as the Queen of a Thousand Subjects, you’re going to get stuck presenting yourself as yet another subject. By that analogy, I already have a thousand. Are you going to show up in my royal court bearing gifts to appease your Queen? You could do that, but understand that Queens don’t respect subjects, they respect Kings. The thing is, I’m not asking to be the Queen of a Thousand Subjects. You’re the one setting me up as one. Anyone who thinks elevating women to that pedestal is doing himself any favors is sorely mistaken. You forever forfeit a substantial amount of power in the relationship. You establish yourself as a doormat who will beg and plead for her approval. You can’t easily get this back once it is lost. Issue 4: YOU are the star of the show, not the meal or the activity Think of it this way, you have some kind of market value. As a woman, I’m trying to determine that value to see if it is enticing to me. If you have to constantly add to your market value by way of expensive meals or activities to make yourself more attractive, what does that tell me? That’s a signal that you must not think your value is all that high. If you don’t think you’re worth the time, don’t expect women to somehow argue with you on that point. They are going to accept it and move on. All because you sent the wrong signal. It doesn’t matter if any of these are your objective or not. You may very well be doing it because “that’s how I was raised.” Just accept that your antiquated notion of chivalry is at odds with what you’re looking for. It causes more problems than it solves, and for what? What’s wrong with just being a decent, fun guy? |
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I always offer to pay but am told no.
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This is BF/GF behavior... so fucking true. You can't start out that way but just be looking for a friend to have sex with... I'm just saying... Thank you. kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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For me sharing works. Meeting from whatever site, whatever kind of relationship. As I am looking for a regular partner, the next date and the one after that, the future so to speak, are a possibility, on that first date. So I am happy to pay. She can pay for the next one. If there is not going to be another date, that is fine. When I payed for the first date I payed for me, I wanted to be there with her, I did not pay so she can feel the pressure. Or owe me a blow job in the end of the night, because I may of payed for a meal. And I can hardly say at the end of the meal, ''well it does not look like you wanna meet me again. I was going to pay for both, but now you need to pay half'' without expecting a plate smashed on my head! Heck, may be I am different, after all!
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Very interesting post, I agree with you about avoiding a restaurant meet. I prefer an early evening (still daylight) or lunch meet which seems more relaxed. You have some points that I had never considered. Would you consider doing some kind of poll of women that agree or not?
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I concur for the most part. I cherish being a gentleman. I have been called a lot of things, but I still open the door for her, I hold her coat so she can put it on. I even hold the hair out of the way of the coat collar. But I agree about casual dates. I generally ask if they care, if I pay the bill. This gives them the out you speak of and keeps my gentleman needs too. 
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I solve the "pressure issue" a different way. If I pick the place , I pay. In fact in a couple of instances I have arrived early and told the hostess to tell my wait person to make sure the check is given to me regardless of the venue. In some other instances, if he wants to pay I leave the tip- that's called trying to share. takes the "burden" off the table period. The only time I recall this not happening was a totally blind date at which we did not go to the place we agreed on. We walked to a place he had passed on the street. It still is 5+ stars and nationally know even for my small burg. I think he must have left about $250 there and then we went for a walk- end of evening- class act YES (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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very well written, also there is nothing wrong with sharing the cost of a meal. also if the woman wants to pay that should be no problem either.
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I know this runs counter to the idea of being a gentleman, but I firmly believe this. If this is an issue, just take a girl somewhere other than a restaurant.
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